Saturday, July 21, 2012
Losing... But not really.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Heart : Broken or Mended?
I can't decide whether this post is actually about boy problems, or friend problems. I mean, neither actually exists right now, but maybe it does. I'm not really sure.
You know, I find myself blogging the most when things start going awry, and I usually don't know why. Tonight, watching a movie by myself on my laptop I was so brutally reminded how cruel high school is to people. Not only did the movie remind me, but the last two days I have had did as well. Now don't get me wrong, I had a WONDERFUL day with two of my extremely wonderful friends, and I would LOVE to spend more time with them. However, as I made plans for things to do during these days away from home I became sidetracked by none other than a boy. One I hadn't seen in about two years and had possible lingering feelings for, but I wasn't quite sure at the time how I genuinely felt. I was hopeful and that was my biggest downfall. I wasn't going in hopes of a date or furthering of the friendship into something more. I was going to see how God handled things that I had handed over to him many times before and just recently even more so.
And boy did God have a way with this one. As many of you know, I have never been in a relationship in my life and sometimes I struggle with it. This time was no different, trust me. I have learned over time that I fall hard and fast, and I know it every step of the way unfortunately. I truly never intend to fall for anyone, but it happens because I try to take things into my hands rather than continuing to hand it over to God. Anyway, let me explain this situation. Having planned to meet up with this friend that I don't exactly know that well was yet another attempt to possibly meet a wonderful guy that I happened to slightly like. We had planned other times to meet up because each of us knew we kind of liked one another but didn't know if we would pursue anything. Shortly after he got a girlfriend and of course I became a thing of the past. Nothing new for me, but soon I was being contacted and he was still in a relationship... No, he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend by any means whatsoever. Trust me, he's a genuinely sweet guy. I became the person to talk to if need be, and I didn't exactly mind but then again I want others to know I'm always around if they need help. Sadly, I feel very responsible for the ending of that relationship between the two of them. I have no clue what he might have to say in this matter, but if I ever have the chance to apologize in person I will. I'm not sure I was the best confident in the fact that I still liked him just a smidge so I was slightly jealous from my forever single standpoint. I feel terrible still to this day. I never intended to keep these feelings around anymore, but they just seem to keep coming back. Maybe it's because there's a boy that actually told me he liked me and I liked him: that's a first in my life (FYI). So today and yesterday I guess were hopeful. I don't know if any of the... I guess it could be called ditching??...... was intentional, but it still hurt. In fact, it brought all the feelings I felt from high school back in a full rush at the same time.
I don't tell people my story... I'm ashamed of my story.... In fact, it's the reason I'm writing this blog without letting many people know that it even exists. If I told you how much hate I felt from being in high school you would never believe me. Why? because every time I entered that school I had an instant smile on my face, whether I wanted to or not. Yeah, it was usually a lie, and it hurt like none other some days, but to be completely honest, I wouldn't want it any different than it was. Yeah, high school was some of the worst years of my life, but you know what? It was also some of my most triumphant, joyous, glorious, and wonderful times as well. I know, that makes no sense, but hang in there and let me explain. When you enter high school it's a giant leap of faith, especially when you're me. You have no clue what to expect, you don't know who is your friend, and you don't know how to act. And to be completely honest, not a single one of those wasn't answered while I was in high school. I always hoped I would fit in, have someone to talk to, hang, and someone to hang around whenever we wanted to do something. This, however, never happened; at least not in my high school. I was the behind the scenes person, the backbone, the "mother" (although i hated the boys calling me that), and the person who was willing to talk to anyone in any need, at any time. But when you have a faith instilled in you that you have known since birth, it's hard to fit in with anyone. I saw EVERY side of every person in my high school from my freshman year, if not junior high, to my graduating day and beyond. I learned so much from each of these people and I can't say I hate them for it. I learned what I didn't want to be like, and I learned how to love people regardless of how someone has or is treating me.
While I never exactly made friend in MY high school because of my high standards for a friendship probably, I did make friends outside of it. I have some of THE most loving friends ever outside of those school halls. They have taught me how to trust, appreciate what I have, love someone because of who they truly are, and most importantly they have taught me how to love them because they love me for who I am.. .not for what I can do for them, and not because I can help them on a homework assignment, they look past what everyone else thinks, and they love me. I didn't know what it was like to have someone love me as a friend rather than a family member. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.
Now, I know I started out talking about boys and ended talking about friends, but really... what's the difference? They're both relationships. They both mean something to me. They're both something I struggle with. I don't hate the fact that I got "ditched" whatsoever. In fact, I believe God was telling me something. Dealing with mixed emotion and confusion got the best of me and I let it take away from my time with my near and dear friends. (which I will still apologize to my two friends for after I finish writing this) It cleared my thoughts, and I now know it's just not something (someone) I need to be striving for... And I'm ok with that. It hurt of course, but hey.. that's life sometimes. Maybe it would hurt less if I genuinely let God take this area under control rather than trying to control it myself every time I start wishing and hoping.
Take care my friends, I love you dearly... but even more importantly: God does. <3
You know, I find myself blogging the most when things start going awry, and I usually don't know why. Tonight, watching a movie by myself on my laptop I was so brutally reminded how cruel high school is to people. Not only did the movie remind me, but the last two days I have had did as well. Now don't get me wrong, I had a WONDERFUL day with two of my extremely wonderful friends, and I would LOVE to spend more time with them. However, as I made plans for things to do during these days away from home I became sidetracked by none other than a boy. One I hadn't seen in about two years and had possible lingering feelings for, but I wasn't quite sure at the time how I genuinely felt. I was hopeful and that was my biggest downfall. I wasn't going in hopes of a date or furthering of the friendship into something more. I was going to see how God handled things that I had handed over to him many times before and just recently even more so.
And boy did God have a way with this one. As many of you know, I have never been in a relationship in my life and sometimes I struggle with it. This time was no different, trust me. I have learned over time that I fall hard and fast, and I know it every step of the way unfortunately. I truly never intend to fall for anyone, but it happens because I try to take things into my hands rather than continuing to hand it over to God. Anyway, let me explain this situation. Having planned to meet up with this friend that I don't exactly know that well was yet another attempt to possibly meet a wonderful guy that I happened to slightly like. We had planned other times to meet up because each of us knew we kind of liked one another but didn't know if we would pursue anything. Shortly after he got a girlfriend and of course I became a thing of the past. Nothing new for me, but soon I was being contacted and he was still in a relationship... No, he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend by any means whatsoever. Trust me, he's a genuinely sweet guy. I became the person to talk to if need be, and I didn't exactly mind but then again I want others to know I'm always around if they need help. Sadly, I feel very responsible for the ending of that relationship between the two of them. I have no clue what he might have to say in this matter, but if I ever have the chance to apologize in person I will. I'm not sure I was the best confident in the fact that I still liked him just a smidge so I was slightly jealous from my forever single standpoint. I feel terrible still to this day. I never intended to keep these feelings around anymore, but they just seem to keep coming back. Maybe it's because there's a boy that actually told me he liked me and I liked him: that's a first in my life (FYI). So today and yesterday I guess were hopeful. I don't know if any of the... I guess it could be called ditching??...... was intentional, but it still hurt. In fact, it brought all the feelings I felt from high school back in a full rush at the same time.
I don't tell people my story... I'm ashamed of my story.... In fact, it's the reason I'm writing this blog without letting many people know that it even exists. If I told you how much hate I felt from being in high school you would never believe me. Why? because every time I entered that school I had an instant smile on my face, whether I wanted to or not. Yeah, it was usually a lie, and it hurt like none other some days, but to be completely honest, I wouldn't want it any different than it was. Yeah, high school was some of the worst years of my life, but you know what? It was also some of my most triumphant, joyous, glorious, and wonderful times as well. I know, that makes no sense, but hang in there and let me explain. When you enter high school it's a giant leap of faith, especially when you're me. You have no clue what to expect, you don't know who is your friend, and you don't know how to act. And to be completely honest, not a single one of those wasn't answered while I was in high school. I always hoped I would fit in, have someone to talk to, hang, and someone to hang around whenever we wanted to do something. This, however, never happened; at least not in my high school. I was the behind the scenes person, the backbone, the "mother" (although i hated the boys calling me that), and the person who was willing to talk to anyone in any need, at any time. But when you have a faith instilled in you that you have known since birth, it's hard to fit in with anyone. I saw EVERY side of every person in my high school from my freshman year, if not junior high, to my graduating day and beyond. I learned so much from each of these people and I can't say I hate them for it. I learned what I didn't want to be like, and I learned how to love people regardless of how someone has or is treating me.
While I never exactly made friend in MY high school because of my high standards for a friendship probably, I did make friends outside of it. I have some of THE most loving friends ever outside of those school halls. They have taught me how to trust, appreciate what I have, love someone because of who they truly are, and most importantly they have taught me how to love them because they love me for who I am.. .not for what I can do for them, and not because I can help them on a homework assignment, they look past what everyone else thinks, and they love me. I didn't know what it was like to have someone love me as a friend rather than a family member. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.
Now, I know I started out talking about boys and ended talking about friends, but really... what's the difference? They're both relationships. They both mean something to me. They're both something I struggle with. I don't hate the fact that I got "ditched" whatsoever. In fact, I believe God was telling me something. Dealing with mixed emotion and confusion got the best of me and I let it take away from my time with my near and dear friends. (which I will still apologize to my two friends for after I finish writing this) It cleared my thoughts, and I now know it's just not something (someone) I need to be striving for... And I'm ok with that. It hurt of course, but hey.. that's life sometimes. Maybe it would hurt less if I genuinely let God take this area under control rather than trying to control it myself every time I start wishing and hoping.
Take care my friends, I love you dearly... but even more importantly: God does. <3
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Live Boldy. You ARE His.
When I was a little girl, and sometimes even to this day I struggle with the fact that I don't fit in and I AM different from everyone around me. It's often extremely difficult on me to sit at home and watch, or think, of all these people that I call my friends go out and spend time together, have fun, laugh, talk, and just enjoy each others' company every weekend while I on the other hand have spent every weekend known to man except a small number which I could probably count on two maybe even one hand at home by myself in self pity.
Recently however I have been getting a lot of convicting thoughts and reminders from God about all indulging in self-pity. I know I shouldn't think thoughts that hurt myself or are hateful toward myself, but it is SO hard sometimes and I just get trapped in the thoughts and they continue to drag me down deeper and deeper. Yeah, I live in a Christian community, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fit in. When I was a young girl I ran across this poem/letter in our house at one point. When I first saw it I kind of blew it off and didn't bother reading it, but a few months later I found it again and it made me cry like I had never cried before.
I know you want to be accepted by others, but you
were not made to fit in. You, My princess, were created
to stand out. Not to draw attention to yourself,
but to live the kind of life that leads others to Me.
Remember, it’s your choices that will pave your path
to life. I will not force you to do anything. I have given
you a free will to walk with Me or to walk away from
Me. I want you to know that you can put on your
crown at any time and let people know that you
belong to Me. You have a royal call on your life. I want
you to remember you wear the crown of everlasting
life, and through you I will do abundantly more than
you would ever dare to dream.
Love,
Your King and Crown Giver
This letter comes from a book by Sheri Rose Sheperd called His Princess: Love Letters from Your King. It truly is amazing how some things can just hit a chord at just the right time in your life. (Thanks to the Big Guy of course)
Again, I do live in a small community where Christianity is what everyone does, but sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. I feel like we're stuck in a rut where we are and we aren't willing to move forward. I want so badly to move forward in my relationship with Christ but it IS hard. I know part of it is my own fault, but I also believe part of it is from this community. I have said it so many times before, but I do believe Satan has quite the hold on this community even if it doesn't look like it all the time. I can feel it so heavily sometimes that it is paralyzing. It's scary. It's downright depressing. I fight until my heart is broken and worn out to try and get others to strive for Christ every day even more than they do already. We are complacent anymore about where we stand as Christians because we live in fear of being politically correct or of being condemned ourselves by those around us.
Really, the fact of the matter is, we all live in fear of pointing out that someone else is sinning and hating us for it. I believe that the word judge that we use so often in our daily lives has been distorted. We are not to judge someone, but how is telling a brother that they are sinning judging them? We ARE told to point out a brother's sin aren't we? If we don't aren't we just allowing them to fall even farther away from God? God tells us to point a sin out to brother and if they hate you for it you are to bring two more people with you to point it out. If they still do not listen you are to let the matter go.
WHY DON'T WE DO THIS DEED GOD HAS CALLED US TO DO?!
We are to help lead one another to Christ in a loving manner. If that requires standing out so be it! Be BOLD in Christ. Yes, you may lose some friends in the process, but we are reminded that why should we gain the whole world just to lose our very soul? You can count it all as loss. If you lose a friend because you are following Christ and seeking to become more like Him and you desire with all your heart to serve Him.... maybe they weren't the kind of person you should have been letting invest in your life. I don't say that to be mean, but out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. It's the truth.
So dare to be bold in Christ, you'll lose friends, gain enemies, and find even greater allies along the way. But most importantly, you will find the ONE thing that matters most in life....God. It won't be easy, and it will have trials along the way. But I always try to remember this: If Jesus Christ endured the pain of dieing on the cross and I added to that pain why am I complaining? He felt the hurt of every single one of my sins, your sins, and the world's sins. I'm feeling short lived pain that will pass in a mere matter of moments to God. If I love God as much as Jesus Christ loves us and His father and was willing to give up His life for me, I can go through this momentary pain. I may not like it all the time, and yes it DOES hurt, but I have THE GREATEST GIFT I CAN EVER RECEIVE WAITING FOR ME after this is all over. And I can't wait until that day.
So how about you, are you ready to be BOLD and stand up for Christ?!
Recently however I have been getting a lot of convicting thoughts and reminders from God about all indulging in self-pity. I know I shouldn't think thoughts that hurt myself or are hateful toward myself, but it is SO hard sometimes and I just get trapped in the thoughts and they continue to drag me down deeper and deeper. Yeah, I live in a Christian community, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fit in. When I was a young girl I ran across this poem/letter in our house at one point. When I first saw it I kind of blew it off and didn't bother reading it, but a few months later I found it again and it made me cry like I had never cried before.
I know you want to be accepted by others, but you
were not made to fit in. You, My princess, were created
to stand out. Not to draw attention to yourself,
but to live the kind of life that leads others to Me.
Remember, it’s your choices that will pave your path
to life. I will not force you to do anything. I have given
you a free will to walk with Me or to walk away from
Me. I want you to know that you can put on your
crown at any time and let people know that you
belong to Me. You have a royal call on your life. I want
you to remember you wear the crown of everlasting
life, and through you I will do abundantly more than
you would ever dare to dream.
Love,
Your King and Crown Giver
This letter comes from a book by Sheri Rose Sheperd called His Princess: Love Letters from Your King. It truly is amazing how some things can just hit a chord at just the right time in your life. (Thanks to the Big Guy of course)
Again, I do live in a small community where Christianity is what everyone does, but sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. I feel like we're stuck in a rut where we are and we aren't willing to move forward. I want so badly to move forward in my relationship with Christ but it IS hard. I know part of it is my own fault, but I also believe part of it is from this community. I have said it so many times before, but I do believe Satan has quite the hold on this community even if it doesn't look like it all the time. I can feel it so heavily sometimes that it is paralyzing. It's scary. It's downright depressing. I fight until my heart is broken and worn out to try and get others to strive for Christ every day even more than they do already. We are complacent anymore about where we stand as Christians because we live in fear of being politically correct or of being condemned ourselves by those around us.
Really, the fact of the matter is, we all live in fear of pointing out that someone else is sinning and hating us for it. I believe that the word judge that we use so often in our daily lives has been distorted. We are not to judge someone, but how is telling a brother that they are sinning judging them? We ARE told to point out a brother's sin aren't we? If we don't aren't we just allowing them to fall even farther away from God? God tells us to point a sin out to brother and if they hate you for it you are to bring two more people with you to point it out. If they still do not listen you are to let the matter go.
WHY DON'T WE DO THIS DEED GOD HAS CALLED US TO DO?!
We are to help lead one another to Christ in a loving manner. If that requires standing out so be it! Be BOLD in Christ. Yes, you may lose some friends in the process, but we are reminded that why should we gain the whole world just to lose our very soul? You can count it all as loss. If you lose a friend because you are following Christ and seeking to become more like Him and you desire with all your heart to serve Him.... maybe they weren't the kind of person you should have been letting invest in your life. I don't say that to be mean, but out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. It's the truth.
So dare to be bold in Christ, you'll lose friends, gain enemies, and find even greater allies along the way. But most importantly, you will find the ONE thing that matters most in life....God. It won't be easy, and it will have trials along the way. But I always try to remember this: If Jesus Christ endured the pain of dieing on the cross and I added to that pain why am I complaining? He felt the hurt of every single one of my sins, your sins, and the world's sins. I'm feeling short lived pain that will pass in a mere matter of moments to God. If I love God as much as Jesus Christ loves us and His father and was willing to give up His life for me, I can go through this momentary pain. I may not like it all the time, and yes it DOES hurt, but I have THE GREATEST GIFT I CAN EVER RECEIVE WAITING FOR ME after this is all over. And I can't wait until that day.
So how about you, are you ready to be BOLD and stand up for Christ?!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Is It Me Or Are Things Changing?
I 'm not one to open up about myself to people unless I have hit a major low point in my life and just can't bear things on my own anymore. I will admit in fact, that this is a HUGE weakness and downfall of mine.
After going on this last mission trip I have realized how out of touch with myself and God I really have become. I used to be one of the most happy and enthusiastic people around, and now I'm only that way when I feel everything in my life is going "right." Now, I had intentions of where this post was supposed to go, but I'm not so sure that's where it's supposed to go anymore.... So here we go.
I have been through quite a bit my high school career and it has truly worn me out. Now, I can say that it is partially my fault, but then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing. As I read the verses James 1:2-4 for our devotion this mission trip I was suddenly overcome with emotion because I realized how out of proportion I have been looking at my life. I can honestly say I have never felt God rush over me in such a way before. When I look back at my life and see what I've been through it really was, and is, very difficult for me to handle, but others don't always see why I feel I have had a rough time with it. Of course we all have different trials we face in our life times, but that happens for a reason. As one of our leaders on the trip said.... we face different situations so we can relate to people. When we become transparent and share our lives with others they see they aren't the only one going through a situation. When there is common ground, it's easier to pull people to Christ..... So yeah, I've been through some tough times, and I have let though hard times hold me back.
I don't want them to hold me back, and I don't want it to hold me back from others, but I am letting it. I would love to say I'm the strong Christian that everyone believes I am, and I really hope I'm on my way there (don't get me wrong), but at this point in my life I'm not. I'm broken, beaten, battered, and scarred; I've said things I shouldn't have, seen things that can never be unseen, broken hearts I can never mend, thought things that can never be unthought, had my heart broken on my own accord, destroyed friendships for no reason at all, and so much more. I have allowed myself to become numb... Not on purpose, but because I didn't know how else to handle things. My heart longs so much to show compassion and love for others, but people make that SO hard for me. I long for friendship and people brush me off as if I've been dust sitting on shelf they just found. My heart knows very little love from those my age, but it sure knows disrespect, hate, and just sheer rudeness. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE having friends even if they are 10 or more years older than me, but that doesn't mean I should be out of my peer group. With such strong convictions that I hold, I know I will always, inevitably, be hated or unwanted by many of my peers, and as hard as this is for me to say, "I'm ok with that."
Now many people probably wonder how I can be ok with people hating me. And I don't mean to sound "churchy" but it's who I am; if I receive the treatment I do simply for following Jesus and loving him then I can live with it. Jesus faced even worse treatment, I shouldn't be complaining. I will however be turning to God more often than I usually do. I mean, He knows what's going on, but I rarely remember to tell Him about it. Yeah, He knows, but I need to remember how frail I am and how powerful He is. He allowed the hardship to come and knows how to control it. So why am I not taking the free ticket for help?.... That's a very good question. And I think I know the answer: PRIDE.
I feel like I have rambled in this post, but to be completely honest..... I think that's ok for once...
After going on this last mission trip I have realized how out of touch with myself and God I really have become. I used to be one of the most happy and enthusiastic people around, and now I'm only that way when I feel everything in my life is going "right." Now, I had intentions of where this post was supposed to go, but I'm not so sure that's where it's supposed to go anymore.... So here we go.
I have been through quite a bit my high school career and it has truly worn me out. Now, I can say that it is partially my fault, but then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing. As I read the verses James 1:2-4 for our devotion this mission trip I was suddenly overcome with emotion because I realized how out of proportion I have been looking at my life. I can honestly say I have never felt God rush over me in such a way before. When I look back at my life and see what I've been through it really was, and is, very difficult for me to handle, but others don't always see why I feel I have had a rough time with it. Of course we all have different trials we face in our life times, but that happens for a reason. As one of our leaders on the trip said.... we face different situations so we can relate to people. When we become transparent and share our lives with others they see they aren't the only one going through a situation. When there is common ground, it's easier to pull people to Christ..... So yeah, I've been through some tough times, and I have let though hard times hold me back.I don't want them to hold me back, and I don't want it to hold me back from others, but I am letting it. I would love to say I'm the strong Christian that everyone believes I am, and I really hope I'm on my way there (don't get me wrong), but at this point in my life I'm not. I'm broken, beaten, battered, and scarred; I've said things I shouldn't have, seen things that can never be unseen, broken hearts I can never mend, thought things that can never be unthought, had my heart broken on my own accord, destroyed friendships for no reason at all, and so much more. I have allowed myself to become numb... Not on purpose, but because I didn't know how else to handle things. My heart longs so much to show compassion and love for others, but people make that SO hard for me. I long for friendship and people brush me off as if I've been dust sitting on shelf they just found. My heart knows very little love from those my age, but it sure knows disrespect, hate, and just sheer rudeness. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE having friends even if they are 10 or more years older than me, but that doesn't mean I should be out of my peer group. With such strong convictions that I hold, I know I will always, inevitably, be hated or unwanted by many of my peers, and as hard as this is for me to say, "I'm ok with that."
Now many people probably wonder how I can be ok with people hating me. And I don't mean to sound "churchy" but it's who I am; if I receive the treatment I do simply for following Jesus and loving him then I can live with it. Jesus faced even worse treatment, I shouldn't be complaining. I will however be turning to God more often than I usually do. I mean, He knows what's going on, but I rarely remember to tell Him about it. Yeah, He knows, but I need to remember how frail I am and how powerful He is. He allowed the hardship to come and knows how to control it. So why am I not taking the free ticket for help?.... That's a very good question. And I think I know the answer: PRIDE.
I feel like I have rambled in this post, but to be completely honest..... I think that's ok for once...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Learning to Love Myself
I've been having a hard time lately dealing with not having a date to prom, never having dated a guy, and not having many friends NEAR me that I can truly count on. I know i shouldn't let it bother me... I'm only a teenager and I'll make better friends and its kind of pointless to date in high school anyway, but sometimes it just hurts.
I know I'm called to love people like Jesus and regardless of how they have treated me I am to turn the other cheek and continue to love them. As some people say, kill enemies with kindness. I have a hard time thinking of how much love I truly can give to these people who have never been nice to me unless they are to benefit in some way. I know this is titled learning to love myself, but i want to bring up some other things as well.
These last couple of days have been as my youth pastor would label "my living hell" and truly, it is... I have begun to live in the life that i hate so much. My friends are being mean, I can't be myself without being yelled at, and I just don't feel like I'm even wanted in my school anymore. And sure, there are a couple of people who will talk to me on a regular basis, but how many of them truly know me and would be there if i needed the help? One of my very best friends lives an hour away and i rarely see her. Next year she will go off to college and i will be in the same place i was after one of my other best friends left for college also. I will be even more to myself and no more happy with my life than i am when someone dies. I have tried to be excited for my friend, positive about the way God is moving her forward, and be excited about where my life will go next, but I don't know how much longer I can be strong.
These last 5 or so days have been some of the hardest days I have had since freshman year. I feel like I am losing my friends and I feel like i am just the nuisance in their lives. I know I shouldn't feel this way but it has been so long since I have done anything with anyone that I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be the person Christ has called me to be and be able to spend time with people. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.
I know I have a loving father and brother, but I'm beginning to miss them. I don't know the last time I hugged either of my parents to be truthful. I don't know the last time my dad told me he loved me. I don't know the last time I had a conversation with my brother where I felt like an equal. Yeah, I know i haven't really brought my mom into this, but to be honest, we don't hardly see eye to eye anymore. I know she loves me, and I know she cares about me, but I just can't get myself to want to be closer to her anymore... maybe someday I will, but at this point in my life I just don't think I can.
My dad has always been the person I look up to and the person I get along with most in the family, but how do I talk to my dad when he is never around, and without it seeming weird. I just gave up trying on that one. So maybe I'll talk to my brother, but I don't even know him hardly anymore. Grow up this, you'll be OK that. That's not what I want to hear. I want to just talk, as equals, for a change. Like we used to.
I have tried to be more social and I've tried to be more involved, but people just make me feel like an outcast anymore so I have decided, "Why do I even try?"
I know I'm not a bad person or anything, but sometimes I wonder why I have dealt with some of these things with all the niceness I have tried to convey. I have always considered the word JOY as I learned it a long time ago. Jesus, Others, and then You, the secret for a joyful attitude. As much as I try to do these things, I'm not so joyful anymore. I love helping others, and I love God dearly, but things are falling apart lately. I don't know the last time I didn't get "yelled" at in school anymore. I can't go to school and be a happy person anymore. School is turning into another one of my "living hell"s. And I don't like it.
All these crazy things happening has made me really think lately, but it has also made me hurt a lot too. When was the last time I loved myself for who I truly am, when is the last time i helped someone joyfully or because I wanted to, when was the last time I was truly happy with what I was doing?
And I can't honestly answer any of those questions... simply because I don't know anymore.
How can I love others and expect them to love me back, when I can't even love myself..........
I actually wrote this last year around this time, but I honestly don't know why I didn't post it.
I know I'm called to love people like Jesus and regardless of how they have treated me I am to turn the other cheek and continue to love them. As some people say, kill enemies with kindness. I have a hard time thinking of how much love I truly can give to these people who have never been nice to me unless they are to benefit in some way. I know this is titled learning to love myself, but i want to bring up some other things as well.
These last couple of days have been as my youth pastor would label "my living hell" and truly, it is... I have begun to live in the life that i hate so much. My friends are being mean, I can't be myself without being yelled at, and I just don't feel like I'm even wanted in my school anymore. And sure, there are a couple of people who will talk to me on a regular basis, but how many of them truly know me and would be there if i needed the help? One of my very best friends lives an hour away and i rarely see her. Next year she will go off to college and i will be in the same place i was after one of my other best friends left for college also. I will be even more to myself and no more happy with my life than i am when someone dies. I have tried to be excited for my friend, positive about the way God is moving her forward, and be excited about where my life will go next, but I don't know how much longer I can be strong.
These last 5 or so days have been some of the hardest days I have had since freshman year. I feel like I am losing my friends and I feel like i am just the nuisance in their lives. I know I shouldn't feel this way but it has been so long since I have done anything with anyone that I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be the person Christ has called me to be and be able to spend time with people. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.
I know I have a loving father and brother, but I'm beginning to miss them. I don't know the last time I hugged either of my parents to be truthful. I don't know the last time my dad told me he loved me. I don't know the last time I had a conversation with my brother where I felt like an equal. Yeah, I know i haven't really brought my mom into this, but to be honest, we don't hardly see eye to eye anymore. I know she loves me, and I know she cares about me, but I just can't get myself to want to be closer to her anymore... maybe someday I will, but at this point in my life I just don't think I can.
My dad has always been the person I look up to and the person I get along with most in the family, but how do I talk to my dad when he is never around, and without it seeming weird. I just gave up trying on that one. So maybe I'll talk to my brother, but I don't even know him hardly anymore. Grow up this, you'll be OK that. That's not what I want to hear. I want to just talk, as equals, for a change. Like we used to.
I have tried to be more social and I've tried to be more involved, but people just make me feel like an outcast anymore so I have decided, "Why do I even try?"
I know I'm not a bad person or anything, but sometimes I wonder why I have dealt with some of these things with all the niceness I have tried to convey. I have always considered the word JOY as I learned it a long time ago. Jesus, Others, and then You, the secret for a joyful attitude. As much as I try to do these things, I'm not so joyful anymore. I love helping others, and I love God dearly, but things are falling apart lately. I don't know the last time I didn't get "yelled" at in school anymore. I can't go to school and be a happy person anymore. School is turning into another one of my "living hell"s. And I don't like it.
All these crazy things happening has made me really think lately, but it has also made me hurt a lot too. When was the last time I loved myself for who I truly am, when is the last time i helped someone joyfully or because I wanted to, when was the last time I was truly happy with what I was doing?
And I can't honestly answer any of those questions... simply because I don't know anymore.
How can I love others and expect them to love me back, when I can't even love myself..........
I actually wrote this last year around this time, but I honestly don't know why I didn't post it.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Ups and Downs
It's pretty hard to stay an upbeat and happy person all the time... This year, however, I seem to have a harder and harder time doing this on a day to day basis. I live each day trying to not only glorify God by what I do, but also to uplift others by having a positive attitude in almost every aspect of what I do. I don't do things in a fake manner; I simply find my joy in God when I need it most.
However, recently I seem to be discontent with almost everything. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I think all my stress is starting to get to me. I have been trying my hardest to stay level headed and on top of things, but I really do start breaking down when I hold it all in for so long. It may be because I haven't had much of a break... or maybe it's something else. I'm not really sure anymore.
*Sigh*I keep using the word 'but' a lot lately..... I don't know.... This is all so confusing, I really wanted to post something to sort out my feelings and possibly feel better.... but(yes, i had to use that word again) I don't even have words to describe anything anymore...
This is definitely not the first time I've felt like this... I must say, when I go up... every down gets lower. And all I can do is to ride it out, pray, and thank God that I still have the right mind about me to stay on this earth and hopefully share my love for him to others... Simply because I DO love him so much just for who he is.
Well, before I use all the words I know, I better stop for the night.
May God bless you all, bring you many blessings as Thanksgiving rolls around, and may you each have ups that are much greater than any down you may have ever faced before.
<3
However, recently I seem to be discontent with almost everything. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I think all my stress is starting to get to me. I have been trying my hardest to stay level headed and on top of things, but I really do start breaking down when I hold it all in for so long. It may be because I haven't had much of a break... or maybe it's something else. I'm not really sure anymore.
*Sigh*I keep using the word 'but' a lot lately..... I don't know.... This is all so confusing, I really wanted to post something to sort out my feelings and possibly feel better.... but(yes, i had to use that word again) I don't even have words to describe anything anymore...
This is definitely not the first time I've felt like this... I must say, when I go up... every down gets lower. And all I can do is to ride it out, pray, and thank God that I still have the right mind about me to stay on this earth and hopefully share my love for him to others... Simply because I DO love him so much just for who he is.
Well, before I use all the words I know, I better stop for the night.
May God bless you all, bring you many blessings as Thanksgiving rolls around, and may you each have ups that are much greater than any down you may have ever faced before.
<3
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Realization
Having a rough day takes quite a bit of energy out of a person. Trust me, I would know after today. From the get go until maybe half an hour ago I have been having the worst day possible in quite some time. It wasn't that things wouldn't go right or things were going wrong. I just wasn't having the greatest day from all the stress that has been building up over the last 2 to 3 months.
I wish I could have looked at things in a "more positive" light, but I don't think it would have made a difference. Granted I had a bad day, walked home before church even started, got in a fight with my mom more than once, and just wanted to get away from people, but my night just hit me.
Driving home tonight I realized how selfish I have been lately. How self centered I have become. And even how greedy I have become. I crave attention but then I want out of the spotlight. Wow... where is God in all of this?
Well... He's been there all along trying to tell me things are OK, but I've been ignoring Him. I told Him I could take care of it, and I didn't need to talk to Him everyday. Sure, having people notice me as a person or friend is great, but is it for the right reasons? Am I being an example of Christ?
I'm going to give an honest answer. No, I haven't been; maybe occasionally I have been, but more often than not I haven't been.
I stepped out of my vehicle tonight and smelled the air. It's been a long time since I've even taken the time to think about something that simple. As I took in a long breath I smelled the rustic and smoky smell of Fall. I could remember the sweet and sticky smell of Spring that I love and the beauty that is behind it, but tonight...... I smelled the air and it reminded me of how putrid and smelly my life has been lately. Yeah, I know... great correlation, right? I guess that's just how God talks to me. Music, nature, and quiet time.
Wow... Our youth group just recently had a lesson over Good, Guilt, Grace, and Gratitude. Which part do we relate to most was asked... And I answered gratitude because I was trying so hard to live for God at the moment and in the months prior. If I were asked that now.... It would be guilt. No questions asked. I'm living in the guilt stage and can't move onto accepting God's grace.
I have the greatest friends (and older brother) EVER who are so willing to pray for me when I'm struggling, but they honestly have no clue how much it really does help me. (especially today) You guys may not know what all I am going through, but I guarantee you probably have an idea if you've been talking with God.
I definitely need to work on the talking and spending time with God aspect of my life. I talk it, but I need to start living it more these days. Maybe then I'll be happy with the little things in life again. Let's all take a little time and see God more. I think we would see what we've been missing a lot of lately.
God Bless you all,and thank you for everything you've done,
Miranda
I wish I could have looked at things in a "more positive" light, but I don't think it would have made a difference. Granted I had a bad day, walked home before church even started, got in a fight with my mom more than once, and just wanted to get away from people, but my night just hit me.
Driving home tonight I realized how selfish I have been lately. How self centered I have become. And even how greedy I have become. I crave attention but then I want out of the spotlight. Wow... where is God in all of this?
Well... He's been there all along trying to tell me things are OK, but I've been ignoring Him. I told Him I could take care of it, and I didn't need to talk to Him everyday. Sure, having people notice me as a person or friend is great, but is it for the right reasons? Am I being an example of Christ?
I stepped out of my vehicle tonight and smelled the air. It's been a long time since I've even taken the time to think about something that simple. As I took in a long breath I smelled the rustic and smoky smell of Fall. I could remember the sweet and sticky smell of Spring that I love and the beauty that is behind it, but tonight...... I smelled the air and it reminded me of how putrid and smelly my life has been lately. Yeah, I know... great correlation, right? I guess that's just how God talks to me. Music, nature, and quiet time.
Wow... Our youth group just recently had a lesson over Good, Guilt, Grace, and Gratitude. Which part do we relate to most was asked... And I answered gratitude because I was trying so hard to live for God at the moment and in the months prior. If I were asked that now.... It would be guilt. No questions asked. I'm living in the guilt stage and can't move onto accepting God's grace.
I have the greatest friends (and older brother) EVER who are so willing to pray for me when I'm struggling, but they honestly have no clue how much it really does help me. (especially today) You guys may not know what all I am going through, but I guarantee you probably have an idea if you've been talking with God.
I definitely need to work on the talking and spending time with God aspect of my life. I talk it, but I need to start living it more these days. Maybe then I'll be happy with the little things in life again. Let's all take a little time and see God more. I think we would see what we've been missing a lot of lately.
God Bless you all,and thank you for everything you've done,
Miranda
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