I can't decide whether this post is actually about boy problems, or friend problems. I mean, neither actually exists right now, but maybe it does. I'm not really sure.
You know, I find myself blogging the most when things start going awry, and I usually don't know why. Tonight, watching a movie by myself on my laptop I was so brutally reminded how cruel high school is to people. Not only did the movie remind me, but the last two days I have had did as well. Now don't get me wrong, I had a WONDERFUL day with two of my extremely wonderful friends, and I would LOVE to spend more time with them. However, as I made plans for things to do during these days away from home I became sidetracked by none other than a boy. One I hadn't seen in about two years and had possible lingering feelings for, but I wasn't quite sure at the time how I genuinely felt. I was hopeful and that was my biggest downfall. I wasn't going in hopes of a date or furthering of the friendship into something more. I was going to see how God handled things that I had handed over to him many times before and just recently even more so.
And boy did God have a way with this one. As many of you know, I have never been in a relationship in my life and sometimes I struggle with it. This time was no different, trust me. I have learned over time that I fall hard and fast, and I know it every step of the way unfortunately. I truly never intend to fall for anyone, but it happens because I try to take things into my hands rather than continuing to hand it over to God. Anyway, let me explain this situation. Having planned to meet up with this friend that I don't exactly know that well was yet another attempt to possibly meet a wonderful guy that I happened to slightly like. We had planned other times to meet up because each of us knew we kind of liked one another but didn't know if we would pursue anything. Shortly after he got a girlfriend and of course I became a thing of the past. Nothing new for me, but soon I was being contacted and he was still in a relationship... No, he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend by any means whatsoever. Trust me, he's a genuinely sweet guy. I became the person to talk to if need be, and I didn't exactly mind but then again I want others to know I'm always around if they need help. Sadly, I feel very responsible for the ending of that relationship between the two of them. I have no clue what he might have to say in this matter, but if I ever have the chance to apologize in person I will. I'm not sure I was the best confident in the fact that I still liked him just a smidge so I was slightly jealous from my forever single standpoint. I feel terrible still to this day. I never intended to keep these feelings around anymore, but they just seem to keep coming back. Maybe it's because there's a boy that actually told me he liked me and I liked him: that's a first in my life (FYI). So today and yesterday I guess were hopeful. I don't know if any of the... I guess it could be called ditching??...... was intentional, but it still hurt. In fact, it brought all the feelings I felt from high school back in a full rush at the same time.
I don't tell people my story... I'm ashamed of my story.... In fact, it's the reason I'm writing this blog without letting many people know that it even exists. If I told you how much hate I felt from being in high school you would never believe me. Why? because every time I entered that school I had an instant smile on my face, whether I wanted to or not. Yeah, it was usually a lie, and it hurt like none other some days, but to be completely honest, I wouldn't want it any different than it was. Yeah, high school was some of the worst years of my life, but you know what? It was also some of my most triumphant, joyous, glorious, and wonderful times as well. I know, that makes no sense, but hang in there and let me explain. When you enter high school it's a giant leap of faith, especially when you're me. You have no clue what to expect, you don't know who is your friend, and you don't know how to act. And to be completely honest, not a single one of those wasn't answered while I was in high school. I always hoped I would fit in, have someone to talk to, hang, and someone to hang around whenever we wanted to do something. This, however, never happened; at least not in my high school. I was the behind the scenes person, the backbone, the "mother" (although i hated the boys calling me that), and the person who was willing to talk to anyone in any need, at any time. But when you have a faith instilled in you that you have known since birth, it's hard to fit in with anyone. I saw EVERY side of every person in my high school from my freshman year, if not junior high, to my graduating day and beyond. I learned so much from each of these people and I can't say I hate them for it. I learned what I didn't want to be like, and I learned how to love people regardless of how someone has or is treating me.
While I never exactly made friend in MY high school because of my high standards for a friendship probably, I did make friends outside of it. I have some of THE most loving friends ever outside of those school halls. They have taught me how to trust, appreciate what I have, love someone because of who they truly are, and most importantly they have taught me how to love them because they love me for who I am.. .not for what I can do for them, and not because I can help them on a homework assignment, they look past what everyone else thinks, and they love me. I didn't know what it was like to have someone love me as a friend rather than a family member. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.
Now, I know I started out talking about boys and ended talking about friends, but really... what's the difference? They're both relationships. They both mean something to me. They're both something I struggle with. I don't hate the fact that I got "ditched" whatsoever. In fact, I believe God was telling me something. Dealing with mixed emotion and confusion got the best of me and I let it take away from my time with my near and dear friends. (which I will still apologize to my two friends for after I finish writing this) It cleared my thoughts, and I now know it's just not something (someone) I need to be striving for... And I'm ok with that. It hurt of course, but hey.. that's life sometimes. Maybe it would hurt less if I genuinely let God take this area under control rather than trying to control it myself every time I start wishing and hoping.
Take care my friends, I love you dearly... but even more importantly: God does. <3
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