For those of you that know me, and I mean TRULY know me, you know that I am a dreamer, a thinker, a doer, a lover, a worrier, a hopeless romantic, an ever faithful friend and confidante, and a never-ending giver. While many of these aspects of my life are positive qualities to have, some of them are qualities that both give and take away from who I am. Mainly in the fact that I use them against myself. I have never once in my life I don't think gone a minute without contemplating some complex or simple thought WAY too much. And while I do love the fact that I have been blessed with the ability to think things through quickly, effectively, and efficiently when it is needed, it's also a nuisance. With the arrival of summer has come the ever present problem of TOO much time to think. My brain, while filled with many important and silly things, also has a way of telling me lies and stupid things that make my life miserable.With all of the interesting experiences I have had in my life, and my share of being treated terribly by others for quite some time constantly wears on me.
I can still remember plain as day putting myself in situations where people just wanted to tease me to no end, get a response out of me, or beat me down to make themselves feel better. I constantly came back to these situations looking for the love and friendship I felt I so deserved. I was a child. Yes, my parents and my brother loved me, but I wanted to know that someone who didn't "have" to have unconditional love for me could love me for who I was/am. As the years went on and I continued to be told I was annoying, stupid, loud, obnoxious, and people just couldn't put a positive image to me, I started to believe it. I WAS loud, obnoxious, annoying, and stupid. So, I did what I knew best... to withdraw. I stopped responding to people trying to get a rise out of me. I stopped having fun when my "friends" around me were and I stopped trying to show people who I was. I didn't know how to connect with people because all I'd been shown by those outside my family was how to be mean and hate myself. I tried finding people to talk to as things got worse, but as soon as I started to get close to someone they would up and leave or find someone else to be friends with. I tried to turn to sports and running to get my mind off of things. That lasted until my eighth grade year when I started "maturing" and running became more of a difficulty than an enjoyment. I sought new ways to fill my need to fit in, but nothing worked. I constantly felt empty and alone. I'd find something that helped for a couple of days, weeks, or months, but then my old reminders of how everyone viewed me constantly came back and I was right back where I was before.
Now yes, I know, all of my friends and those that support me in my walk with Christ constantly say to turn to Christ because He is the only one that can fill that space and make you feel like you're worth something. In all honesty though, I still have no clue how that is possible. I have to be completely honest with this all. I've given my life to Christ, and I've worked on a relationship with him, but I've hit a standstill and even a backslide... I know I shouldn't believe all the words that have been said to me, because my Father says none of that is true, but because of my brain and its need to think constantly, I can't get rid of those words. I want to, so badly. I've made strides and jumps in my own self view, but I still can't imagine someone loving me for who I am; all the craziness, weirdness, stupidness, irrationalness, depressedness, my scarred image of what a relationship should look like and the belief that I'm never supposed to have one of my own, the fact that I don't believe I have enough to offer a man who would ever come into my life and even be the slight bit interested, my ability to tear things I so love apart without even meaning to, to pour all of my hate and anger and resentment of others in my past onto those in my present and ruining the friendships I already have..... I could go on and on. That's the thing though, I COULD, but I know I shouldn't.
I've had a couple of people in my life truly invest in me and desire for the best that I deserve. These people are some of the best friends I have, and we aren't even actually "friendship status." How am I supposed to be friends with someone nearly twice my age? I can't go spend the night at their house, tell them stories of things I'm struggling with at the moment and they can relate because they're in the situation now. I can't call them up and say, "hey! I'm bored, let's hang out and watch a movie or go do something fun!" I mean, yes... I appreciate what they have poured into my life, but it's just not the same as having someone my age that is willing to sit there and uncover every little part of me until they see the weak and broken person I am beneath my rough exterior to hide it all. There are things I have done in life that I haven't told some of my closest friends even (Sorry Daphne and Megan and Mysti, and many others), but I'm too ashamed of them and that I even did such things in my life. I don't know what it's like to have a friend who lives nearby and can go do things with whenever we so please. I grew up going to the farm in the summers, not spending time having fun with friends. I haven't found that college friend that I can tell any and everything regardless of what it is (sorry Daphne and the rest of you girls) or when it is.
But I'm a tough person to get along with.... I place myself (and others) to extremely high standards and I'm usually the one setting myself up for trouble as a result. I know what I have to offer and I know how I think I should be treated by others. But it's just not going to happen. If I expected others to text me first, call me to hang out, share their stories from their day without me having to ask, ask me how I'm doing just because they thought of me one day, call me randomly to cheer me up and make me laugh, wipe tears from my eyes when I can't do anything but sit here in a state of loss for what to do with my life, hold me close when I'm so down that I just can't move, and a long list of things I wish I could experience, I would never in my life find a friend to stay with me and I would never see anyone ever. Now yes, I do wish I could have all of those things in a friend, but I also understand that it's not going to happen most likely.
I still have a hard time letting people be nice to me. I mean honestly? Why is that so hard for me? I know I deserve to be loved and treated well, but I'm so conditioned that it's not going to happen that I push everyone away that wants to do any of those things. My roommate this last school year is such a blessing and sport for putting up with me. I'm pretty sure I put her through Hell and back again before we finally learned how to communicate in a way that was effective. I feel terrible for all of the things I said to her in my times of stress and over-thinking and of desperation to get things solved. But I'm also grateful she was willing to work at the friendship as well to make it a better one than it was initially. Yes, Daphne and I had out tiffs, but I know that she's always going to help me laugh things off when I need it. It's just so difficult to be so far from people when that's all you want to feel better. I don't need to talk, I don't need to do anything... I just want to be in the presence of people.
It's a world of life, love, and other mysteries as the band Point of Grace said many years ago. And it's so true. But it's also a world of confusion, chaos, pain, and annoyances if we let it be. I'm constantly working on forgetting how I've been treated in the past and learning to love myself and believe I deserve to be loved by others not because I deserve to be loved, but because it's ok to be loved. Now, I know I use the word love here a lot, and I don't necessarily mean in an Eros or romantic love as is one form used in the Bible, but I mean in a form of affection (brotherly love) and friendship, Storge and Phileo. Some day I may have the Eros form of love, but right now, I think I need to focus on the friendship and affection. This is tough for me; I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic as I've stated before... but maybe that's why I'm struggling lately. I'm looking for the wrong kind of love. I'm pushing things and it's just making me feel empty when it's not returned in the way I hope for. So between all my confusion that I'm feeling and the trouble that over-thinking has brought with it, I'm doing my best to distract my brain from things that don't need to be worried about.
I DO have friends that love me for who I am (even if they don't show it all the time), I DO have worth to me that might take a little uncovering for someone to see and appreciate, I DO deserve to be loved, it's absolutely ok for others to want to know me and I mean ALL of me even if I'm ashamed of some of it, and I CAN keep a friendship even when I'm not the best friend that I should be. People will come and go that just aren't meant to be in my life. I can't change that. But for those that do stay in my life, I am eternally grateful for the love that is shared and the friendship that is built even when I try to tear it down. I apologize over and over again for the stupid things I have done to my friends, between playing guilt trips when they don't do what I think they should be doing in our friendship to just being a devil's advocate and legitimately TRYING to break up a friendship to see if they'll stay around, leave, or remind me of why we're still friends. I thrive off of words so it's tough to not make others give me complements that I so long for.... So to each of my friends reading this, that know me completely, mostly, and just a little bit; I'm a mess a lot of the times, and I'm doing the best I can most times, but I love you like none other and can never express my thankfulness for you in my life.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Catching Up & So Much More
It's been quite some time since I've posted anything or even updated anyone on anything going on in my life. So tonight I thought I would take a break from homework and everything in general and take some time to update everyone of what is taking place lately. To start off: I only have 5 weeks of classes and 1 week of finals remaining until my first year of college is complete. I would say my Freshman year, but I can't actually say I'm a freshman if we look at credits. In fact, I'm not even going to be a sophomore for much longer. I will have reached 54 credit hours by the end of this Spring semester putting me 6 credit hours short of being a junior; as a result of this I will be taking 2 classes this summer to reach 60 credit hours to become junior status. Upon entering my next semester I will be a Junior-Sophomore I suppose you could say, and I will only have 2 more years, or 4 semesters remaining until I graduate from college with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Business Administration and a minor in Accounting. After which I will then decide if I will begin pastry arts classes or something else. (This is TBA at this point in time.)
I'm not sure how many of you I included in my discussion of college and future choices, but as you can tell from above I have chosen to complete my degree at my current college and will not be taking a break from, or dropping out of, college/classes. This can be attributed to LOTS and LOTS of praying, feeling completely lost and confused, much stress, many tired and relatively sleep-less nights, and of course.... many heartfelt conversations with some close friends and family members in my life. I can admit that I have never felt so out of control of my life until this year. Choosing a college seemed stressful because I felt like I was deciding what to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, though, I think I made more of a decision this year after actually reaching college rather than deciding where to go for schooling.
There are so many things that push you to go to college and pull you as well. It's what society tells us is best, everyone else has done it so we should, we want to experience the outside world, and so many other things that are circumstantial or fairly universal. We make a decision because we are told to... often times we don't fully think through our choice until we're finally in the moment. There has been so much testing of my faith this year and I will admit that I have failed multiple times, as well as triumphed multiple times. I have wanted to leave, get away, stay, and run away..... The biggest test I have had though, is seeing what I do when I am faced with hardship, feeling like I have no friends, being cut down by those I though I could trust, and being just plain broken by the world around me.
At one point I had officially given up trying to be happy where I am and was going to ride the rest of the semester out one day at a time however I could and I was never going to come back. After a trip to my brother's I began to understand a little bit more about how I had been living my life. The worship service that weekend had a sermon that talked about living in exile/ feeling as though you are living in exile. God tells us to make the best out of living in exile, not merely exist. We are to do what we can with what we have and joyfully serve Him! We shouldn't sit around a mope simply because God has assured us we will get out of exile. NO!!! As a matter of fact, we are to do the exact opposite. We are to live EVERY day for our Lord. We are not to say, "oh, I'll start living for Christ when I'm out of this terrible place or situation." What good does that do? We may feel like we don't belong, but it doesn't mean we still can't be used in outstanding ways!
I oh so appreciate the love I have received in the last few months as I have struggled through being ok with where I am at for this time in my life. The prayers have been oh so helpful and I couldn't have made it to this point without any of the support and love I have received. So I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart and pray for your walk with Christ as you have for mine; I can never fully express my gratitude.
Many blessings and prayers to you all my brothers and sisters in Christ!
I'm not sure how many of you I included in my discussion of college and future choices, but as you can tell from above I have chosen to complete my degree at my current college and will not be taking a break from, or dropping out of, college/classes. This can be attributed to LOTS and LOTS of praying, feeling completely lost and confused, much stress, many tired and relatively sleep-less nights, and of course.... many heartfelt conversations with some close friends and family members in my life. I can admit that I have never felt so out of control of my life until this year. Choosing a college seemed stressful because I felt like I was deciding what to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, though, I think I made more of a decision this year after actually reaching college rather than deciding where to go for schooling.
There are so many things that push you to go to college and pull you as well. It's what society tells us is best, everyone else has done it so we should, we want to experience the outside world, and so many other things that are circumstantial or fairly universal. We make a decision because we are told to... often times we don't fully think through our choice until we're finally in the moment. There has been so much testing of my faith this year and I will admit that I have failed multiple times, as well as triumphed multiple times. I have wanted to leave, get away, stay, and run away..... The biggest test I have had though, is seeing what I do when I am faced with hardship, feeling like I have no friends, being cut down by those I though I could trust, and being just plain broken by the world around me.At one point I had officially given up trying to be happy where I am and was going to ride the rest of the semester out one day at a time however I could and I was never going to come back. After a trip to my brother's I began to understand a little bit more about how I had been living my life. The worship service that weekend had a sermon that talked about living in exile/ feeling as though you are living in exile. God tells us to make the best out of living in exile, not merely exist. We are to do what we can with what we have and joyfully serve Him! We shouldn't sit around a mope simply because God has assured us we will get out of exile. NO!!! As a matter of fact, we are to do the exact opposite. We are to live EVERY day for our Lord. We are not to say, "oh, I'll start living for Christ when I'm out of this terrible place or situation." What good does that do? We may feel like we don't belong, but it doesn't mean we still can't be used in outstanding ways!
I oh so appreciate the love I have received in the last few months as I have struggled through being ok with where I am at for this time in my life. The prayers have been oh so helpful and I couldn't have made it to this point without any of the support and love I have received. So I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart and pray for your walk with Christ as you have for mine; I can never fully express my gratitude.
Many blessings and prayers to you all my brothers and sisters in Christ!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Coming Clean and a Long Journey
This semester has truly been an odd one so far. There have been downs and ups, and ups and downs. Far more than I would like to count. There have been so many odd happenings that I just don't know how to explain, nor do I wish to attempt to even try to at that. The moments have confused, encouraged, discouraged, and even broken me at some point in the short month and a half I have been back. It truly amazes me how so many things can and do change.
To start the semester back I entered with a fairly open mindset and wanting to start with a clean slate. That quickly turned within the first few days because of several emotional struggles I was going through and things that had happened that I just wished I could have avoided all together in the first place. So as time went on I continued to force myself to attend classes and events with very little desire to do so or even attempt to put an effort into anything I was doing because I was so unhappy with the circumstances I was "put in." I continue to struggle with being content where I am at this point in my life, but I know that I am not the one in control of my life; I may be trying to control it, but in reality... I'm just hindering what God has in store for me.
I have been oh so upset with my circumstances and have tried to make things work in any way that I can with as little effort as I can. However, that's not how things work. I wasn't living my life to glorify God; I was living life focused around how to make things "right" for me. I feel strongly that this is to be an extremely trying and growing time in my life, but I am fighting it with every ounce of my being simply because I am unhappy with God. I say this sadly, but I am not content with God right now. I am seeking to repair my relationship and view of Him day to day, but I have put quite a riff between the two of us and haven't been trying very hard to remove said riff.
I will admit that I have been going through the motions in the most trying way possible... Trying to convince myself that I'm trying to seek God in every thing that I do. This isn't true though, I've been seeking worldly acceptance, approval, and ways... I don't want to though; I truly don't.
Today I sit on my bed here in my dorm room contemplating my life and how I have been living... It's not pretty. I've been wallowing in sorrow of missing my best friend, longing for someone to console me (sadly I've been seeking anyone but God), dragging up my past, seeking ungodly ways of life and thoughts, and trying to find where I fit in any of this. And the truth is, I don't fit in any of this. Why, you ask? Well... It's not my place to be. I was to have given these things over to my Father many many times ago. I, however, chose to take them back after he so graciously removed them from my shoulders.
My best friend is hurting and I have no way of consoling her but through prayer, although I am praying for her with all my heart, I fear my relationship with God is not in a place that I am worthy of the privilege to ask anything from my Father. I have not reconciled my sins and left them at his feet; instead I have taken my sins and continued them, in effect rubbing them in his face.
I've been so concerned about how things are going to go in the future that I've been paying little regard to God, and I have been doing what I want to do. I have blatantly disregarded the one who loves me so much. He loves me so much that I can't even comprehend it. So much so that even when I have spit in His face with my sin He continues to hold me in his right hand and tell me how much I am loved, cherished, and adored. That is so difficult for me to comprehend and accept, but I am so thankful for it at the same time.
I know Satan is doing a work in this world, and he doesn't plan to stop any time soon.... I have allowed him to take a foothold in my life, and I am now working to remove that foothold. It's going to be difficult, and it may take some time, but I'm will to do the work it takes.
For each and every one of you out there reading this post, I hope and pray for you that you may be protected from the snares and traps of the enemy; for he is working hard in our world and this is just the beginning. We need to lean on one another and the everlasting arms of Christ for support and encouragement to make it through these trials. We are not alone in this world by any means.
To start the semester back I entered with a fairly open mindset and wanting to start with a clean slate. That quickly turned within the first few days because of several emotional struggles I was going through and things that had happened that I just wished I could have avoided all together in the first place. So as time went on I continued to force myself to attend classes and events with very little desire to do so or even attempt to put an effort into anything I was doing because I was so unhappy with the circumstances I was "put in." I continue to struggle with being content where I am at this point in my life, but I know that I am not the one in control of my life; I may be trying to control it, but in reality... I'm just hindering what God has in store for me.
I have been oh so upset with my circumstances and have tried to make things work in any way that I can with as little effort as I can. However, that's not how things work. I wasn't living my life to glorify God; I was living life focused around how to make things "right" for me. I feel strongly that this is to be an extremely trying and growing time in my life, but I am fighting it with every ounce of my being simply because I am unhappy with God. I say this sadly, but I am not content with God right now. I am seeking to repair my relationship and view of Him day to day, but I have put quite a riff between the two of us and haven't been trying very hard to remove said riff.
I will admit that I have been going through the motions in the most trying way possible... Trying to convince myself that I'm trying to seek God in every thing that I do. This isn't true though, I've been seeking worldly acceptance, approval, and ways... I don't want to though; I truly don't.
Today I sit on my bed here in my dorm room contemplating my life and how I have been living... It's not pretty. I've been wallowing in sorrow of missing my best friend, longing for someone to console me (sadly I've been seeking anyone but God), dragging up my past, seeking ungodly ways of life and thoughts, and trying to find where I fit in any of this. And the truth is, I don't fit in any of this. Why, you ask? Well... It's not my place to be. I was to have given these things over to my Father many many times ago. I, however, chose to take them back after he so graciously removed them from my shoulders.
My best friend is hurting and I have no way of consoling her but through prayer, although I am praying for her with all my heart, I fear my relationship with God is not in a place that I am worthy of the privilege to ask anything from my Father. I have not reconciled my sins and left them at his feet; instead I have taken my sins and continued them, in effect rubbing them in his face.
I've been so concerned about how things are going to go in the future that I've been paying little regard to God, and I have been doing what I want to do. I have blatantly disregarded the one who loves me so much. He loves me so much that I can't even comprehend it. So much so that even when I have spit in His face with my sin He continues to hold me in his right hand and tell me how much I am loved, cherished, and adored. That is so difficult for me to comprehend and accept, but I am so thankful for it at the same time.
I know Satan is doing a work in this world, and he doesn't plan to stop any time soon.... I have allowed him to take a foothold in my life, and I am now working to remove that foothold. It's going to be difficult, and it may take some time, but I'm will to do the work it takes.
For each and every one of you out there reading this post, I hope and pray for you that you may be protected from the snares and traps of the enemy; for he is working hard in our world and this is just the beginning. We need to lean on one another and the everlasting arms of Christ for support and encouragement to make it through these trials. We are not alone in this world by any means.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Still Seeking a Path
Well, things have calmed down a little bit since I last posted... but not entirely. I have to admit, I'm exhausted mentally. It's not that my classes are difficult or over my head; in fact, they should be pretty easy, but I just have so much to comprehend!! My brain is having a difficult time understanding concepts that should be simple. I'm doing my best, but I am constantly trying to find ways to put as little effort into my classes as possible. (and so far I've been doing a decent job... which isn't exactly a good thing...) I hate basically every class I am taking... They are just no fun whatsoever.... sad part of it is that the majority of them pertain to my major, and if I'm going to have more classes like this in the future I'm not looking forward to it one bit. All the people I have talked to continue to say classes get worse/more boring as the years go on, so I am not very encouraged either. I only have 2 yrs left after this summer, but that still sounds absolutely HORRIBLE!
Why did I choose business as a major?! What was I thinking?!
I know what I was thinking: I don't know what to major in... oh, business is universally helpful... I want to start a business later in life... this might be helpful...
Bleh. I have been praying about what path I need to be taking for this next year/semester and where I am to go, and I have yet to come to a conclusion on a decision because my parents and I need to discuss options and such. While spending time with God I have heard a few things. The most prominent of which have been: sticking to my word and commitments, don't let others guilt me into doing something; God is in control and I need to follow his path for my life, not letting circumstances I am in get to me because God knows what he's doing, and lastly... what I think may be good for me isn't necessarily the path I should be taking.
To be honest, I've just become more confused and discouraged in all aspects. I know I shouldn't be, but I just don't know what to do. I'm doing my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances," but I'm struggling!!! I don't feel like I should be here and I don't have any control over that right now.
I continue to ask for prayers as I am working my way through my mental struggles and decisions that I am contemplating. Every ounce of support helps me through a day, it really does.
Why did I choose business as a major?! What was I thinking?!
I know what I was thinking: I don't know what to major in... oh, business is universally helpful... I want to start a business later in life... this might be helpful...
Bleh. I have been praying about what path I need to be taking for this next year/semester and where I am to go, and I have yet to come to a conclusion on a decision because my parents and I need to discuss options and such. While spending time with God I have heard a few things. The most prominent of which have been: sticking to my word and commitments, don't let others guilt me into doing something; God is in control and I need to follow his path for my life, not letting circumstances I am in get to me because God knows what he's doing, and lastly... what I think may be good for me isn't necessarily the path I should be taking.
To be honest, I've just become more confused and discouraged in all aspects. I know I shouldn't be, but I just don't know what to do. I'm doing my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances," but I'm struggling!!! I don't feel like I should be here and I don't have any control over that right now.
I continue to ask for prayers as I am working my way through my mental struggles and decisions that I am contemplating. Every ounce of support helps me through a day, it really does.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Tears and Confusion
I come to this post today confused, hurt, and slightly at a loss of words. I won't say I've had a bad life because I haven't, but what I don't get is how I have such a difficult time with how people treat me. I try my best to be a person who cares, tries to help other the best I can, and I feel horrible when I drop out of something or let someone down. Consequently, over the years I have had those exact things backfire on me. I get stepped on, my feelings abused, and people feel it's perfectly ok to keep me out of things for reasons that will forever be unknown by me.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with all the time, but I really do try. I'm not one to cry when things bother me, but as of recent I have felt like crying every day and I have started to let those tears fall.
"Break my heart for what breaks yours." My heart is breaking alright. It's breaking with the fact that so many people are turning on me almost every day of my life, and I don't know why. If this is a trial, I'm failing it right now. I just don't get it and I have no clue what to do. I continue to seek God's strength to help me stay strong, but I'm still going to cry often I feel. Simply because my heart is breaking that my brothers and sisters in Christ don't care they are breaking another person's heart.
As I write this I am slowly becoming more and more numb that I really don't know what to do. I thought today would be a better day for me because my brother came to visit, and yes it did help to see him, but the second I stepped back into the dorm and he was gone it was like I became the plague. At least in my eyes that's how it felt. I feel no love right now from any direction around me. I feel hate, and judgement, and harsh feelings, and cold shoulders, and like I've been taken from everything that has ever felt right in my life and put in a place the exact opposite where I'm a foreigner and no one wants to associate with me.
Right now I'm the one everyone has to bear/deal with until the end of the semester where I no longer blacken the doorway of anyone's room. I feel as though the fact that I'm struggling with being in the dorms and being ready to be out of them for next year has made me even more unlikable, but I have to be honest, I'm not made for this living environment. It's eating away at me and I'm just doing my best to float along and survive right now. I try to keep my thoughts to myself because they're very negative lately, and I don't want them to be. I'm stressed, tired, worn out, missing good friends, and trying my best to make do because no matter what I do I'm further ostracized.
I know this post and my last post haven't been the most uplifting or encouraging, but this is my life as of recent, and it's just as important as the ups in my life. I ask you to continue praying for me and the direction my life is heading. I'm trying to lean on God as best I can, but I can always use encouragement and prayer these days.
I pray that the Spirit of the Lord finds each of you well today and in the days to come. There is a very real Spiritual battle going on in this world, and I pray that your battle is being fought by our Father because you have turned to Him. You are in my prayers, warrior, you are my brother/sister, and I will always be behind you in prayer and support. No matter where I am in life. Stay strong and fight that good fight. Even if a few tears are shed... ♥
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with all the time, but I really do try. I'm not one to cry when things bother me, but as of recent I have felt like crying every day and I have started to let those tears fall.
"Break my heart for what breaks yours." My heart is breaking alright. It's breaking with the fact that so many people are turning on me almost every day of my life, and I don't know why. If this is a trial, I'm failing it right now. I just don't get it and I have no clue what to do. I continue to seek God's strength to help me stay strong, but I'm still going to cry often I feel. Simply because my heart is breaking that my brothers and sisters in Christ don't care they are breaking another person's heart.
As I write this I am slowly becoming more and more numb that I really don't know what to do. I thought today would be a better day for me because my brother came to visit, and yes it did help to see him, but the second I stepped back into the dorm and he was gone it was like I became the plague. At least in my eyes that's how it felt. I feel no love right now from any direction around me. I feel hate, and judgement, and harsh feelings, and cold shoulders, and like I've been taken from everything that has ever felt right in my life and put in a place the exact opposite where I'm a foreigner and no one wants to associate with me.
Right now I'm the one everyone has to bear/deal with until the end of the semester where I no longer blacken the doorway of anyone's room. I feel as though the fact that I'm struggling with being in the dorms and being ready to be out of them for next year has made me even more unlikable, but I have to be honest, I'm not made for this living environment. It's eating away at me and I'm just doing my best to float along and survive right now. I try to keep my thoughts to myself because they're very negative lately, and I don't want them to be. I'm stressed, tired, worn out, missing good friends, and trying my best to make do because no matter what I do I'm further ostracized.
I know this post and my last post haven't been the most uplifting or encouraging, but this is my life as of recent, and it's just as important as the ups in my life. I ask you to continue praying for me and the direction my life is heading. I'm trying to lean on God as best I can, but I can always use encouragement and prayer these days.
I pray that the Spirit of the Lord finds each of you well today and in the days to come. There is a very real Spiritual battle going on in this world, and I pray that your battle is being fought by our Father because you have turned to Him. You are in my prayers, warrior, you are my brother/sister, and I will always be behind you in prayer and support. No matter where I am in life. Stay strong and fight that good fight. Even if a few tears are shed... ♥
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
College is Breaking Me
If I'm writing this blog to be of any inspiration or help or anything to any person ever, I need to be completely honest with you all. I usually post when I have something on my heart that I just need to share or feel someone will benefit from, and it's usually not too personal in the fact that I don't show my vulnerabilities. Tonight however, I want to be completely open and honest about how I'm doing.
If I told you I were doing great I would be lying. And that my friends, is not a lie whatsoever. I'm not enjoying myself, and I'm not content where I am. I don't just mean emotionally, I mean physically and everything it could ever possibly mean.
I have always been a very studious and grade conscious student/person and have always tried my best to do the best that I can. I have put the whole of my ability into who I am as a student, and I have based a lot of my success and failure off of how I do in my schoolwork. As of January 16, 2013, I started my second semester (My sophomore year technically) of college. A lot of people say it's one of the most difficult semesters to get back into the swing of things, and so far... I would agree with that. I have a mentally exhausting Monday and Wednesday simply because I have four lecture classes back to back with no break whatsoever, but they aren't that difficult of classes, just a lot of information to take in in the time frame of a little over 5 hours. I don't hate the classes, but they sure aren't the most interesting I guess you could say. My Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't fun classes unless you consider a class based mainly off of discussions where the teacher thinks everyone in the class knows everything and we have to take notes off of this and a microeconomics class to be fun.
However, that's not why I feel I'm having a difficult time getting back into college, because like I said, the classes aren't that bad. For some reason I just don't feel right being here where I am. I mean, It's a great town, but I just don't feel right lately. I've been faced with many questions as of recent about why I feel the way I do... and I'm going to be completely honest, these answers are 100% honest, and I preface this by saying "I'm not going to answer how you want me to or expect me to. I am going to answer how I am feeling, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. I'm just being candid."
College.... it's what everyone says we need to do to further ourselves and become the person we can be so we can get the job we want and the money we need to live a good life.
You've always had good grades, you're a good student! You have a great life ahead of you and a lot going for you.
I am tired of school. That's really all I have to say. High school was a whirlwind of school, sports, drama, and figuring out who you are. I burned myself out by being involved in everything and helping where I could. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being involved and participating in things. However, when I entered college I realized how involved I was because I wanted to fit in with the people around me... because, well, that's what we do in our town. That's how you get your name. If you aren't involved you're on the back burner, and that's just not acceptable. In college, I can lay low. I can take a break and not be involved for once. This has made me want to be done though.
I had an fairly easy time balancing homework and extra-curricula in high school; that was no problem. I'm just tired of homework I guess. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm ready to get out into the work force, but this is my reasoning: I won't have homework. Yes, I realize jobs are supposedly boring, but to me the fact that I wouldn't have to go home and do homework, I could go cook... that sounds ok to me personally.
I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I should be here I guess. I'm going to be a Junior in the Fall, and it's basically pointless to drop out at this point so I might as well finish. But I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to enjoy it. I am simply here to get it done. I've spent the money so far and I need to make it worth my while. So for now, I'm going to grin and bear it.
If you happen to think about me as the semester and the years draw on I ask you to pray for me. I will be praying as well for strength and perseverance to get through the days. I will do my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances" and praise God continuously.
If I told you I were doing great I would be lying. And that my friends, is not a lie whatsoever. I'm not enjoying myself, and I'm not content where I am. I don't just mean emotionally, I mean physically and everything it could ever possibly mean.
I have always been a very studious and grade conscious student/person and have always tried my best to do the best that I can. I have put the whole of my ability into who I am as a student, and I have based a lot of my success and failure off of how I do in my schoolwork. As of January 16, 2013, I started my second semester (My sophomore year technically) of college. A lot of people say it's one of the most difficult semesters to get back into the swing of things, and so far... I would agree with that. I have a mentally exhausting Monday and Wednesday simply because I have four lecture classes back to back with no break whatsoever, but they aren't that difficult of classes, just a lot of information to take in in the time frame of a little over 5 hours. I don't hate the classes, but they sure aren't the most interesting I guess you could say. My Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't fun classes unless you consider a class based mainly off of discussions where the teacher thinks everyone in the class knows everything and we have to take notes off of this and a microeconomics class to be fun.
However, that's not why I feel I'm having a difficult time getting back into college, because like I said, the classes aren't that bad. For some reason I just don't feel right being here where I am. I mean, It's a great town, but I just don't feel right lately. I've been faced with many questions as of recent about why I feel the way I do... and I'm going to be completely honest, these answers are 100% honest, and I preface this by saying "I'm not going to answer how you want me to or expect me to. I am going to answer how I am feeling, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. I'm just being candid."
College.... it's what everyone says we need to do to further ourselves and become the person we can be so we can get the job we want and the money we need to live a good life.
Right now, I am actually wondering if that's the reason I'm going to college; because everyone says that's what we're supposed to do. I don't have an idea of what I want to do with my life after college, and I certainly don't have a certain area I would like to focus in. I'm majoring in business, but I have never been so bored with a subject in my life. The classes are all pretty logical, and they make sense, but it's just not me. I feel like I'm being put in a box.
You've always had good grades, you're a good student! You have a great life ahead of you and a lot going for you.
I am so tired of hearing this. I have good grades because that is what I've been told I need to do. I find success and worth in having good grades. Grades have always defined me (even if my mother doesn't know I think that way) and they continue to. I've started to relax and not let them be as defining to me, but that's kind of hard when I've let it define me for so long. I'm tired of letting a letter grade tell me how smart I am or how I deserve to be treated, or where I stand. I just want to get away from it.
I am tired of school. That's really all I have to say. High school was a whirlwind of school, sports, drama, and figuring out who you are. I burned myself out by being involved in everything and helping where I could. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being involved and participating in things. However, when I entered college I realized how involved I was because I wanted to fit in with the people around me... because, well, that's what we do in our town. That's how you get your name. If you aren't involved you're on the back burner, and that's just not acceptable. In college, I can lay low. I can take a break and not be involved for once. This has made me want to be done though.
I had an fairly easy time balancing homework and extra-curricula in high school; that was no problem. I'm just tired of homework I guess. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm ready to get out into the work force, but this is my reasoning: I won't have homework. Yes, I realize jobs are supposedly boring, but to me the fact that I wouldn't have to go home and do homework, I could go cook... that sounds ok to me personally.
I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I should be here I guess. I'm going to be a Junior in the Fall, and it's basically pointless to drop out at this point so I might as well finish. But I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to enjoy it. I am simply here to get it done. I've spent the money so far and I need to make it worth my while. So for now, I'm going to grin and bear it.
If you happen to think about me as the semester and the years draw on I ask you to pray for me. I will be praying as well for strength and perseverance to get through the days. I will do my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances" and praise God continuously.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Beautiful to God
As a girl who has always struggled with self image, self esteem, and body image, I write this tonight in hopes that it can be an encouragement to some girl, somewhere. I'm going to be completely honest when I say I am SUPER critical of how I look and hating any little thing on my body that I think looks bad. Between multiple life situations in which I basically lost all sense of who I was/am and the skewed way of thinking this world has thrust upon each of us to believe, I have had a rough time accepting and loving myself for who I am, how I am made, and how I look to God instead of man.
I will admit, also, that turning 19 and having guys ignore me, or want me for unthinkable things, on every side of me hasn't helped me either. Yes, I am single. Always have been, and who knows for how much longer I will be. (I'm OK with this fact, although sometimes I struggle with it.) I shouldn't let it affect how I view myself, but I have. I have sought the approval of the opposite sex for years. Not necessarily for a relationship, but at least for the friendship and a little attention. Recently I have been craving a relationship, but have been trying my best to fight the desire and give the area to God. (It IS tough, but I'm taking it one day at a time.) But I'm getting a little off track. Yes, this is all pertinent to the subject at hand, but it's a slight trail off as well.
For so long I let not having boyfriend define me as being undesirable, and unwanted, and even unloved. However, that is not true. AT ALL. It took quite some time for me to realize this fact; and although I have tried to believe I am desirable, and wanted, and loved over the years, I am now officially proud of who I am and how I look. I may not be by every person I know, but that's ok. Since when do I need to be the prized possession of everyone in the world? Honestly, that would be a little creepy. I am loved and cherished and adored by God who made me in HIS image. God is so great and glorious. I don't need a man in my life to tell me I am beautiful (although it would be nice to hear that occasionally ;) ) because I have a father that tells me I'm beautiful everyday if I listen to Him. After a long (yet short) Christmas break I ran across an old photo of myself with another gal I know. This photo has become my motivation; because although it is an age old photo, I don't see how I let what others thought of me get into my head when I was younger. I don't want to gloat, or seem full of myself when I say this, but I think I look very nice in the photo. While I didn't see it at the time, it was there, and I let others make me self conscious about my body and who I was as a person.
While no boy has ever dated me, that in no way says I am unworthy of being happy or believing no man will ever want to take me as his wife.
Being single for 19 years isn't a punishment for me, if anything it's God's blessing on me to encourage me to remain pure for my husband and the relationship that is meant to be shared in that union. I now count my 19 years as a blessing from God to keep me from all the heartbreak and temptations that come along with being in a relationship. I'm not saying I'll never date, and I'm not saying that if/when I date the first man will be my husband (I DO continually pray the right man is being matured and prepared for me, however), but I understand not all things are meant to work. I will continue to place this area of my life in God's hands and trust his timing for whatever he has planned for me, and prayerfully await to see what he has planned.
The world has no right to define who I am. I am seeking the approval of God, not man.
I may or may not be married at some point in my life, and as hard as this is to say... if God says I am to be single for the remainder of my life, then I will happily and joyfully serve him as a single woman proclaiming the words of my Father who has saved me from all the unrighteousness and sinfulness I have committed in my life. God has blessed me in many ways and has comforted me through many difficult times in my life. Sadly, I have slipped up many times along the way, but thankfully God's grace is abounding and He continues to take me back in when I confess my unrighteousness.
Although I slightly veered off subject, I still feel these items are every bit as relevant and related to one another when it comes to being a teenage girl. So to wrap up I want to leave you with Psalm 139 to remember.
I will admit, also, that turning 19 and having guys ignore me, or want me for unthinkable things, on every side of me hasn't helped me either. Yes, I am single. Always have been, and who knows for how much longer I will be. (I'm OK with this fact, although sometimes I struggle with it.) I shouldn't let it affect how I view myself, but I have. I have sought the approval of the opposite sex for years. Not necessarily for a relationship, but at least for the friendship and a little attention. Recently I have been craving a relationship, but have been trying my best to fight the desire and give the area to God. (It IS tough, but I'm taking it one day at a time.) But I'm getting a little off track. Yes, this is all pertinent to the subject at hand, but it's a slight trail off as well.
For so long I let not having boyfriend define me as being undesirable, and unwanted, and even unloved. However, that is not true. AT ALL. It took quite some time for me to realize this fact; and although I have tried to believe I am desirable, and wanted, and loved over the years, I am now officially proud of who I am and how I look. I may not be by every person I know, but that's ok. Since when do I need to be the prized possession of everyone in the world? Honestly, that would be a little creepy. I am loved and cherished and adored by God who made me in HIS image. God is so great and glorious. I don't need a man in my life to tell me I am beautiful (although it would be nice to hear that occasionally ;) ) because I have a father that tells me I'm beautiful everyday if I listen to Him. After a long (yet short) Christmas break I ran across an old photo of myself with another gal I know. This photo has become my motivation; because although it is an age old photo, I don't see how I let what others thought of me get into my head when I was younger. I don't want to gloat, or seem full of myself when I say this, but I think I look very nice in the photo. While I didn't see it at the time, it was there, and I let others make me self conscious about my body and who I was as a person.
While no boy has ever dated me, that in no way says I am unworthy of being happy or believing no man will ever want to take me as his wife.
Being single for 19 years isn't a punishment for me, if anything it's God's blessing on me to encourage me to remain pure for my husband and the relationship that is meant to be shared in that union. I now count my 19 years as a blessing from God to keep me from all the heartbreak and temptations that come along with being in a relationship. I'm not saying I'll never date, and I'm not saying that if/when I date the first man will be my husband (I DO continually pray the right man is being matured and prepared for me, however), but I understand not all things are meant to work. I will continue to place this area of my life in God's hands and trust his timing for whatever he has planned for me, and prayerfully await to see what he has planned.
The world has no right to define who I am. I am seeking the approval of God, not man.
I may or may not be married at some point in my life, and as hard as this is to say... if God says I am to be single for the remainder of my life, then I will happily and joyfully serve him as a single woman proclaiming the words of my Father who has saved me from all the unrighteousness and sinfulness I have committed in my life. God has blessed me in many ways and has comforted me through many difficult times in my life. Sadly, I have slipped up many times along the way, but thankfully God's grace is abounding and He continues to take me back in when I confess my unrighteousness.
Although I slightly veered off subject, I still feel these items are every bit as relevant and related to one another when it comes to being a teenage girl. So to wrap up I want to leave you with Psalm 139 to remember.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
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