I come to this post today confused, hurt, and slightly at a loss of words. I won't say I've had a bad life because I haven't, but what I don't get is how I have such a difficult time with how people treat me. I try my best to be a person who cares, tries to help other the best I can, and I feel horrible when I drop out of something or let someone down. Consequently, over the years I have had those exact things backfire on me. I get stepped on, my feelings abused, and people feel it's perfectly ok to keep me out of things for reasons that will forever be unknown by me.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with all the time, but I really do try. I'm not one to cry when things bother me, but as of recent I have felt like crying every day and I have started to let those tears fall.
"Break my heart for what breaks yours." My heart is breaking alright. It's breaking with the fact that so many people are turning on me almost every day of my life, and I don't know why. If this is a trial, I'm failing it right now. I just don't get it and I have no clue what to do. I continue to seek God's strength to help me stay strong, but I'm still going to cry often I feel. Simply because my heart is breaking that my brothers and sisters in Christ don't care they are breaking another person's heart.
As I write this I am slowly becoming more and more numb that I really don't know what to do. I thought today would be a better day for me because my brother came to visit, and yes it did help to see him, but the second I stepped back into the dorm and he was gone it was like I became the plague. At least in my eyes that's how it felt. I feel no love right now from any direction around me. I feel hate, and judgement, and harsh feelings, and cold shoulders, and like I've been taken from everything that has ever felt right in my life and put in a place the exact opposite where I'm a foreigner and no one wants to associate with me.
Right now I'm the one everyone has to bear/deal with until the end of the semester where I no longer blacken the doorway of anyone's room. I feel as though the fact that I'm struggling with being in the dorms and being ready to be out of them for next year has made me even more unlikable, but I have to be honest, I'm not made for this living environment. It's eating away at me and I'm just doing my best to float along and survive right now. I try to keep my thoughts to myself because they're very negative lately, and I don't want them to be. I'm stressed, tired, worn out, missing good friends, and trying my best to make do because no matter what I do I'm further ostracized.
I know this post and my last post haven't been the most uplifting or encouraging, but this is my life as of recent, and it's just as important as the ups in my life. I ask you to continue praying for me and the direction my life is heading. I'm trying to lean on God as best I can, but I can always use encouragement and prayer these days.
I pray that the Spirit of the Lord finds each of you well today and in the days to come. There is a very real Spiritual battle going on in this world, and I pray that your battle is being fought by our Father because you have turned to Him. You are in my prayers, warrior, you are my brother/sister, and I will always be behind you in prayer and support. No matter where I am in life. Stay strong and fight that good fight. Even if a few tears are shed... ♥
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