Coming Clean and a Long Journey

This semester has truly been an odd one so far. There have been downs and ups, and ups and downs. Far more than I would like to count. There have been so many odd happenings that I just don't know how to explain, nor do I wish to attempt to even try to at that. The moments have confused, encouraged, discouraged, and even broken me at some point in the short month and a half I have been back. It truly amazes me how so many things can and do change.

To start the semester back I entered with a fairly open mindset and wanting to start with a clean slate. That quickly turned within the first few days because of several emotional struggles I was going through and things that had happened that I just wished I could have avoided all together in the first place. So as time went on I continued to force myself to attend classes and events with very little desire to do so or even attempt to put an effort into anything I was doing because I was so unhappy with the circumstances I was "put in." I continue to struggle with being content where I am at this point in my life, but I know that I am not the one in control of my life; I may be trying to control it, but in reality... I'm just hindering what God has in store for me.

I have been oh so upset with my circumstances and have tried to make things work in any way that I can with as little effort as I can. However, that's not how things work. I wasn't living my life to glorify God; I was living life focused around how to make things "right" for me. I feel strongly that this is to be an extremely trying and growing time in my life, but I am fighting it with every ounce of my being simply because I am unhappy with God. I say this sadly, but I am not content with God right now. I am seeking to repair my relationship and view of Him day to day, but I have put quite a riff between the two of us and haven't been trying very hard to remove said riff.

I will admit that I have been going through the motions in the most trying way possible... Trying to convince myself that I'm trying to seek God in every thing that I do. This isn't true though, I've been seeking worldly acceptance, approval, and ways... I don't want to though; I truly don't.

Today I sit on my bed here in my dorm room contemplating my life and how I have been living... It's not pretty. I've been wallowing in sorrow of missing my best friend, longing for someone to console me (sadly I've been seeking anyone but God), dragging up my past, seeking ungodly ways of life and thoughts, and trying to find where I fit in any of this. And the truth is, I don't fit in any of this. Why, you ask? Well... It's not my place to be. I was to have given these things over to my Father many many times ago. I, however, chose to take them back after he so graciously removed them from my shoulders.

My best friend is hurting and I have no way of consoling her but through prayer, although I am praying for her with all my heart,  I fear my relationship with God is not in a place that I am worthy of the privilege to ask anything from my Father. I have not reconciled my sins and left them at his feet; instead I have taken my sins and continued them, in effect rubbing them in his face.

I've been so concerned about how things are going to go in the future that I've been paying little regard to God, and I have been doing what I want to do. I have blatantly disregarded the one who loves me so much. He loves me so much that I can't even comprehend it. So much so that even when I have spit in His face with my sin He continues to hold me in his right hand and tell me how much I am loved, cherished, and adored. That is so difficult for me to comprehend and accept, but I am so thankful for it at the same time.

I know Satan is doing a work in this world, and he doesn't plan to stop any time soon.... I have allowed him to take a foothold in my life, and I am now working to remove that foothold. It's going to be difficult, and it may take some time, but I'm will to do the work it takes.
For each and every one of you out there reading this post, I hope and pray for you that you may be protected from the snares and traps of the enemy; for he is working hard in our world and this is just the beginning. We need to lean on one another and the everlasting arms of Christ for support and encouragement to make it through these trials. We are not alone in this world by any means.

Still Seeking a Path

Well, things have calmed down a little bit since I last posted... but not entirely. I have to admit, I'm exhausted mentally. It's not that my classes are difficult or over my head; in fact, they should be pretty easy, but I just have so much to comprehend!! My brain is having a difficult time understanding concepts that should be simple. I'm doing my best, but I am constantly trying to find ways to put as little effort into my classes as possible. (and so far I've been doing a decent job... which isn't exactly a good thing...) I hate basically every class I am taking... They are just no fun whatsoever.... sad part of it is that the majority of them pertain to my major, and if I'm going to have more classes like this in the future I'm not looking forward to it one bit. All the people I have talked to continue to say classes get worse/more boring as the years go on, so I am not very encouraged either. I only have 2 yrs left after this summer, but that still sounds absolutely HORRIBLE!

Why did I choose business as a major?! What was I thinking?!
I know what I was thinking: I don't know what to major in... oh, business is universally helpful... I want to start a business later in life... this might be helpful...

Bleh. I have been praying about what path I need to be taking for this next year/semester and where I am to go, and I have yet to come to a conclusion on a decision because my parents and I need to discuss options and such. While spending time with God I have heard a few things. The most prominent of which have been: sticking to my word and commitments, don't let others guilt me into doing something; God is in control and I need to follow his path for my life, not letting circumstances I am in get to me because God knows what he's doing, and lastly... what I think may be good for me isn't necessarily the path I should be taking.

To be honest, I've just become more confused and discouraged in all aspects. I know I shouldn't be, but I just don't know what to do. I'm doing my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances," but I'm struggling!!! I don't feel like I should be here and I don't have any control over that right now.

I continue to ask for prayers as I am working my way through my mental struggles and decisions that I am contemplating. Every ounce of support helps me through a day, it really does.

Tears and Confusion

I come to this post today confused, hurt, and slightly at a loss of words. I won't say I've had a bad life because I haven't, but what I don't get is how I have such a difficult time with how people treat me. I try my best to be a person who cares, tries to help other the best I can, and I feel horrible when I drop out of something or let someone down. Consequently, over the years I have had those exact things backfire on me. I get stepped on, my feelings abused, and people feel it's perfectly ok to keep me out of things for reasons that will forever be unknown by me.

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with all the time, but I really do try. I'm not one to cry when things bother me, but as of recent I have felt like crying every day and I have started to let those tears fall.

"Break my heart for what breaks yours." My heart is breaking alright. It's breaking with the fact that so many people are turning on me almost every day of my life, and I don't know why. If this is a trial, I'm failing it right now. I just don't get it and I have no clue what to do. I continue to seek God's strength to help me stay strong, but I'm still going to cry often I feel. Simply because my heart is breaking that my brothers and sisters in Christ don't care they are breaking another person's heart.

As I write this I am slowly becoming more and more numb that I really don't know what to do. I thought today would be a better day for me because my brother came to visit, and yes it did help to see him, but the second I stepped back into the dorm and he was gone it was like I became the plague. At least in my eyes that's how it felt. I feel no love right now from any direction around me. I feel hate, and judgement, and harsh feelings, and cold shoulders, and like I've been taken from everything that has ever felt right in my life and put in a place the exact opposite where I'm a foreigner and no one wants to associate with me.

Right now I'm the one everyone has to bear/deal with until the end of the semester where I no longer blacken the doorway of anyone's room. I feel as though the fact that I'm struggling with being in the dorms and being ready to be out of them for next year has made me even more unlikable, but I have to be honest, I'm not made for this living environment. It's eating away at me and I'm just doing my best to float along and survive right now. I try to keep my thoughts to myself because they're very negative lately, and I don't want them to be. I'm stressed, tired, worn out, missing good friends, and trying my best to make do because no matter what I do I'm further ostracized.

I know this post and my last post haven't been the most uplifting or encouraging, but this is my life as of recent, and it's just as important as the ups in my life. I ask you to continue praying for me and the direction my life is heading. I'm trying to lean on God as best I can, but I can always use encouragement and prayer these days.

I pray that the Spirit of the Lord finds each of you well today and in the days to come. There is a very real Spiritual battle going on in this world, and I pray that your battle is being fought by our Father because you have turned to Him. You are in my prayers, warrior, you are my brother/sister, and I will always be behind you in prayer and support. No matter where I am in life. Stay strong and fight that good fight. Even if a few tears are shed... ♥

College is Breaking Me

If I'm writing this blog to be of any inspiration or help or anything to any person ever, I need to be completely honest with you all. I usually post when I have something on my heart that I just need to share or feel someone will benefit from, and it's usually not too personal in the fact that I don't show my vulnerabilities. Tonight however, I want to be completely open and honest about how I'm doing.

If I told you I were doing great I would be lying. And that my friends, is not a lie whatsoever. I'm not enjoying myself, and I'm not content where I am. I don't just mean emotionally, I mean physically and everything it could ever possibly mean.

I have always been a very studious and grade conscious student/person and have always tried my best to do the best that I can. I have put the whole of my ability into who I am as a student, and I have based a lot of my success and failure off of how I do in my schoolwork. As of January 16, 2013, I started my second semester (My sophomore year technically) of college. A lot of people say it's one of the most difficult semesters to get back into the swing of things, and so far... I would agree with that. I have a mentally exhausting Monday and Wednesday simply because I have four lecture classes back to back with no break whatsoever, but they aren't that difficult of classes, just a lot of information to take in in the time frame of a little over 5 hours. I don't hate the classes, but they sure aren't the most interesting I guess you could say. My Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't fun classes unless you consider a class based mainly off of discussions where the teacher thinks everyone in the class knows everything and we have to take notes off of this and a microeconomics class to be fun.

However, that's not why I feel I'm having a difficult time getting back into college, because like I said, the classes aren't that bad. For some reason I just don't feel right being here where I am. I mean, It's a great town, but I just don't feel right lately. I've been faced with many questions as of recent about why I feel the way I do... and I'm going to be completely honest, these answers are 100% honest, and I preface this by saying "I'm not going to answer how you want me to or expect me to. I am going to answer how I am feeling, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. I'm just being candid."

College.... it's what everyone says we need to do to further ourselves and become the person we can be so we can get the job we want and the money we need to live a good life.

Right now, I am actually wondering if that's the reason I'm going to college; because everyone says that's what we're supposed to do. I don't have an idea of what I want to do with my life after college, and I certainly don't have a certain area I would like to focus in. I'm majoring in business, but I have never been so bored with a subject in my life. The classes are all pretty logical, and they make sense, but it's just not me. I feel like I'm being put in a box. 

You've always had good grades, you're a good student! You have a great life ahead of you and a lot going for you.

I am so tired of hearing this. I have good grades because that is what I've been told I need to do. I find success and worth in having good grades. Grades have always defined me (even if my mother doesn't know I think that way) and they continue to. I've started to relax and not let them be as defining to me, but that's kind of hard when I've let it define me for so long. I'm tired of letting a letter grade tell me how smart I am or how I deserve to be treated, or where I stand. I just want to get away from it.

I am tired of school. That's really all I have to say. High school was a whirlwind of school, sports, drama, and figuring out who you are. I burned myself out by being involved in everything and helping where I could. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being involved and participating in things. However, when I entered college I realized how involved I was because I wanted to fit in with the people around me... because, well, that's what we do in our town. That's how you get your name. If you aren't involved you're on the back burner, and that's just not acceptable. In college, I can lay low. I can take a break and not be involved for once. This has made me want to be done though.

I had an fairly easy time balancing homework and extra-curricula in high school; that was no problem. I'm just tired of homework I guess. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm ready to get out into the work force, but this is my reasoning: I won't have homework. Yes, I realize jobs are supposedly boring, but to me the fact that I wouldn't have to go home and do homework, I could go cook... that sounds ok to me personally.

I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I should be here I guess. I'm going to be a Junior in the Fall, and it's basically pointless to drop out at this point so I might as well finish. But I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to enjoy it. I am simply here to get it done. I've spent the money so far and I need to make it worth my while. So for now, I'm going to grin and bear it.

If you happen to think about me as the semester and the years draw on I ask you to pray for me. I will be praying as well for strength and perseverance to get through the days. I will do my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances" and praise God continuously.

Beautiful to God

As a girl who has always struggled with self image, self esteem, and body image, I write this tonight in hopes that it can be an encouragement to some girl, somewhere. I'm going to be completely honest when I say I am SUPER critical of how I look and hating any little thing on my body that I think looks bad. Between multiple life situations in which I basically lost all sense of who I was/am and the skewed way of thinking this world has thrust upon each of us to believe, I have had a rough time accepting and loving myself for who I am,  how I am made, and how I look to God instead of man.

I will admit, also, that turning 19 and having guys ignore me, or want me for unthinkable things, on every side of me hasn't helped me either. Yes, I am single. Always have been, and who knows for how much longer I will be. (I'm OK with this fact, although sometimes I struggle with it.) I shouldn't let it affect how I view myself, but I have. I have sought the approval of the opposite sex for years. Not necessarily for a relationship, but at least for the friendship and a little attention. Recently I have been craving a relationship, but have been trying my best to fight the desire and give the area to God. (It IS tough, but I'm taking it one day at a time.) But I'm getting a little off track. Yes, this is all pertinent to the subject at hand, but it's a slight trail off as well.

For so long I let not having boyfriend define me as being undesirable, and unwanted, and even unloved. However, that is not true. AT ALL. It took quite some time for me to realize this fact; and although I have tried to believe I am desirable, and wanted, and loved over the years, I am now officially proud of who I am and how I look. I may not be by every person I know, but that's ok. Since when do I need to be the prized possession of everyone in the world? Honestly, that would be a little creepy. I am loved and cherished and adored by God who made me in HIS image. God is so great and glorious. I don't need a man in my life to tell me I am beautiful (although it would be nice to hear that occasionally ;) ) because I have a father that tells me I'm beautiful everyday if I listen to Him. After a long (yet short) Christmas break I ran across an old photo of myself with another gal I know. This photo has become my motivation; because although it is an age old photo, I don't see how I let what others thought of me get into my head when I was younger. I don't want to gloat, or seem full of myself when I say this, but I think I look very nice in the photo. While I didn't see it at the time, it was there, and I let others make me self conscious about my body and who I was as a person.
While no boy has ever dated me, that in no way says I am unworthy of being happy or believing no man will ever want to take me as his wife.

Being single for 19 years isn't a punishment for me, if anything it's God's blessing on me to encourage me to remain pure for my husband and the relationship that is meant to be shared in that union. I now count my 19 years as a blessing from God to keep me from all the heartbreak and temptations that come along with being in a relationship. I'm not saying I'll never date, and I'm not saying that if/when I date the first man will be my husband (I DO continually pray the right man is being matured and prepared for me, however), but I understand not all things are meant to work. I will continue to place this area of my life in God's hands and trust his timing for whatever he has planned for me, and prayerfully await to see what he has planned.

The world has no right to define who I am. I am seeking the approval of God, not man.

I may or may not be married at some point in my life, and as hard as this is to say... if God says I am to be single for the remainder of my life, then I will happily and joyfully serve him as a single woman proclaiming the words of my Father who has saved me from all the unrighteousness and sinfulness I have committed in my life. God has blessed me in many ways and has comforted me through many difficult times in my life. Sadly, I have slipped up many times along the way, but thankfully God's grace is abounding and He continues to take me back in when I confess my unrighteousness.

Although I slightly veered off subject, I still feel these items are every bit as relevant and related to one another when it comes to being a teenage girl. So to wrap up I want to leave you with Psalm 139 to remember.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Your Mouth Speaks What Fills Your Heart

Well... It has been quite some time since I last posted, but for good reasons, I promise. I don't think I have been this worn out from studying and lack of sleep in a LONG time. To be completely honest, I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I concentrate and work so much right before an exam. To me it doesn't seem like much at the time, but it has slowly been adding up and I am officially noticing how much I really do. So now that I have basically taken a day to do very little (partly due to terrible back pain and headaches), and also getting a nap in for the first time this week, I'm going to sit here and post about one of my previously mentioned items on my list.

I will actually be grouping a couple together this time because they are so closely related.

1.  The dorms make me feel emotions I wish didn't exist.
7.  I ever so greatly dislike dorm life.
11.  Everywhere I turn there are people.
16.  Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them.

 So those are the topics I have chosen to talk about in this post, here we go!

As number one and number seven say very clearly, I DO NOT enjoy living in the dorms. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy being around the people I have met, but I just don't have any space that is my own. There are so many people here that.. well, I'm not sure if they just don't know how to be considerate of others they are living with, or if they truly don't care in the first place......That has been my biggest thing I have had to accept, not everyone was raised with manners and I can't do much about it. To go along with that... these people are EVERYWHERE!!!! I don't mind being around people whatsoever, but there is a point where it just gets overbearing. (That was about 2 months ago for me.) I have, since moving in, moved to a different room which helped a slight bit in the fact that I have a place in which I feel comfortable and welcome in when I want to be there and I have a wonderful roommate who is very cheery and energetic. (Reminds me of myself when I was younger... so much energy!)

This leads me to the point of "Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them" and the fact that I felt emotions I wish didn't exist. As I just stated, I have moved rooms recently and learned a great deal in the process of decidng to move.  While I could have probably stayed in the room I was already in, my roommate and I seemed to constantly make jabs and punches at one another all the time; whether in a joking manner or out of true anger toward one another. I have never felt so NEGATIVE and MEAN in my entire life.. I hated feeling like that all the time and just had to figure out what to do. Of course I prayed and prayed about what to do and nothing came for the longest time. Then, a week before I actually decided to move out a girl on our floor moved from her room to another dorm. I didn't really think much of it until things in my room continued to spiral downward. I continued to talk to my mom and brother about the situation until the day I made a rude and unnecessary remark to my roommate in which I decided that the arguments had gone far enough at that point. I was beginning to become like the people I was around all the time, and I didn't want that. There was so much cussing, negativity, anger, jealously, and so many other emotions that I was becoming a part of it as well and I didn't want to have that happen. and I firmly believe that,

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

 I was proof of it, and I continue to see it in some of the other girls here as well. In the process of all this there were a LOT of other things going on at the time as well, including finding out who I can and can't talk to about certain things without it being spread (welcome to small town feel again). I was being attacked by Satan left and right so say the least, and he was using the people around me that I had just met to his advantage of that. I have spent so much time in prayer this semester and I LOVE it!!! It's not just the bad things, it's every thing in between, but I'm getting ahead of myself! Those are topics to be discussed further in depth in future posts!!!

Musings of a College Girl

Well, I'm not exactly posting as often as I wish I were, but hey... I guess I post when I'm free and that is totally enough for me. Between finding down time just to waste I guess (I REALLY want to spend this time better though) and doing homework to the point I'm mentally exhausted I try not to add more "assignments" to my day. Granted, I do enjoy writing, but it's really been on the back burner over the last couple of years.

Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I thought I would make a post from the perspective of a freshman college student seeking God; and as many of you know, sometimes I just get off on a rant. So, in order to keep myself on a structured post I am going to delve into some of my experiences by first listing some things I didn't expect when I got here, things I have encountered that I just feel have been "important" as I have been here so far, and just some things I feel deserve to be discussed that aren't always mentioned about college.

So, now for the list.  I will try my best to keep it quick and concise for now and then will explain their meaning in more depth in later posts.

1.  The dorms make me feel emotions I wish didn't exist.
2.  Sometimes I just wish there was a spot I could go that no one knows about or ever will know about.
3.  All of the cussing around me has helped me appreciate how I was raised.
4.  My roommate has helped me realize how blessed I am to live in the family I do.
5.  I have only recently discovered how "not-sheltered" I am, and I have discovered how privileged I have been to have had these experiences in my life.
6.  I still don't know what I am going to do for sure with my life after I graduate.
7.  I ever so greatly dislike dorm life.
8.  I'm not homesick, I'm "people-sick."
9.  My faith in God has been my saving grace.
10.  Love. Lust. Boys. : Why is everyone boy crazy? o.O
11.  Everywhere I turn there are people.
12.  Christian fellowship is more important now than ever.
13.  If you put forth an effort, you can, and most likely will, succeed.
14.  Sometimes you just have to say NO!
15.  Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means you lose a friend or two.
16.  Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them.
17.  Take time to relax. Don't stress.
18.  Don't let disappointment or discouragement prevent you from thanking God or seeking God for that matter. (Even if it sounds odd.)
19.  The first few weeks (or first month) do not determine how the rest of your life is going to go. You have that control.
20.  Learn to love your parents in the littlest ways. Talk to them when you can.

Now, I could sit here for hours thinking of things that have happened since I have been here, and I probably would, but that's not exactly the most efficient thing to do. I know it's quite the list, but if you so desire, I would love for you to stick around for a while and muse with me.

So for now, Love and Blessings my friends.