College is Breaking Me

If I'm writing this blog to be of any inspiration or help or anything to any person ever, I need to be completely honest with you all. I usually post when I have something on my heart that I just need to share or feel someone will benefit from, and it's usually not too personal in the fact that I don't show my vulnerabilities. Tonight however, I want to be completely open and honest about how I'm doing.

If I told you I were doing great I would be lying. And that my friends, is not a lie whatsoever. I'm not enjoying myself, and I'm not content where I am. I don't just mean emotionally, I mean physically and everything it could ever possibly mean.

I have always been a very studious and grade conscious student/person and have always tried my best to do the best that I can. I have put the whole of my ability into who I am as a student, and I have based a lot of my success and failure off of how I do in my schoolwork. As of January 16, 2013, I started my second semester (My sophomore year technically) of college. A lot of people say it's one of the most difficult semesters to get back into the swing of things, and so far... I would agree with that. I have a mentally exhausting Monday and Wednesday simply because I have four lecture classes back to back with no break whatsoever, but they aren't that difficult of classes, just a lot of information to take in in the time frame of a little over 5 hours. I don't hate the classes, but they sure aren't the most interesting I guess you could say. My Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't fun classes unless you consider a class based mainly off of discussions where the teacher thinks everyone in the class knows everything and we have to take notes off of this and a microeconomics class to be fun.

However, that's not why I feel I'm having a difficult time getting back into college, because like I said, the classes aren't that bad. For some reason I just don't feel right being here where I am. I mean, It's a great town, but I just don't feel right lately. I've been faced with many questions as of recent about why I feel the way I do... and I'm going to be completely honest, these answers are 100% honest, and I preface this by saying "I'm not going to answer how you want me to or expect me to. I am going to answer how I am feeling, and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. I'm just being candid."

College.... it's what everyone says we need to do to further ourselves and become the person we can be so we can get the job we want and the money we need to live a good life.

Right now, I am actually wondering if that's the reason I'm going to college; because everyone says that's what we're supposed to do. I don't have an idea of what I want to do with my life after college, and I certainly don't have a certain area I would like to focus in. I'm majoring in business, but I have never been so bored with a subject in my life. The classes are all pretty logical, and they make sense, but it's just not me. I feel like I'm being put in a box. 

You've always had good grades, you're a good student! You have a great life ahead of you and a lot going for you.

I am so tired of hearing this. I have good grades because that is what I've been told I need to do. I find success and worth in having good grades. Grades have always defined me (even if my mother doesn't know I think that way) and they continue to. I've started to relax and not let them be as defining to me, but that's kind of hard when I've let it define me for so long. I'm tired of letting a letter grade tell me how smart I am or how I deserve to be treated, or where I stand. I just want to get away from it.

I am tired of school. That's really all I have to say. High school was a whirlwind of school, sports, drama, and figuring out who you are. I burned myself out by being involved in everything and helping where I could. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being involved and participating in things. However, when I entered college I realized how involved I was because I wanted to fit in with the people around me... because, well, that's what we do in our town. That's how you get your name. If you aren't involved you're on the back burner, and that's just not acceptable. In college, I can lay low. I can take a break and not be involved for once. This has made me want to be done though.

I had an fairly easy time balancing homework and extra-curricula in high school; that was no problem. I'm just tired of homework I guess. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm ready to get out into the work force, but this is my reasoning: I won't have homework. Yes, I realize jobs are supposedly boring, but to me the fact that I wouldn't have to go home and do homework, I could go cook... that sounds ok to me personally.

I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I should be here I guess. I'm going to be a Junior in the Fall, and it's basically pointless to drop out at this point so I might as well finish. But I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to enjoy it. I am simply here to get it done. I've spent the money so far and I need to make it worth my while. So for now, I'm going to grin and bear it.

If you happen to think about me as the semester and the years draw on I ask you to pray for me. I will be praying as well for strength and perseverance to get through the days. I will do my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances" and praise God continuously.

Beautiful to God

As a girl who has always struggled with self image, self esteem, and body image, I write this tonight in hopes that it can be an encouragement to some girl, somewhere. I'm going to be completely honest when I say I am SUPER critical of how I look and hating any little thing on my body that I think looks bad. Between multiple life situations in which I basically lost all sense of who I was/am and the skewed way of thinking this world has thrust upon each of us to believe, I have had a rough time accepting and loving myself for who I am,  how I am made, and how I look to God instead of man.

I will admit, also, that turning 19 and having guys ignore me, or want me for unthinkable things, on every side of me hasn't helped me either. Yes, I am single. Always have been, and who knows for how much longer I will be. (I'm OK with this fact, although sometimes I struggle with it.) I shouldn't let it affect how I view myself, but I have. I have sought the approval of the opposite sex for years. Not necessarily for a relationship, but at least for the friendship and a little attention. Recently I have been craving a relationship, but have been trying my best to fight the desire and give the area to God. (It IS tough, but I'm taking it one day at a time.) But I'm getting a little off track. Yes, this is all pertinent to the subject at hand, but it's a slight trail off as well.

For so long I let not having boyfriend define me as being undesirable, and unwanted, and even unloved. However, that is not true. AT ALL. It took quite some time for me to realize this fact; and although I have tried to believe I am desirable, and wanted, and loved over the years, I am now officially proud of who I am and how I look. I may not be by every person I know, but that's ok. Since when do I need to be the prized possession of everyone in the world? Honestly, that would be a little creepy. I am loved and cherished and adored by God who made me in HIS image. God is so great and glorious. I don't need a man in my life to tell me I am beautiful (although it would be nice to hear that occasionally ;) ) because I have a father that tells me I'm beautiful everyday if I listen to Him. After a long (yet short) Christmas break I ran across an old photo of myself with another gal I know. This photo has become my motivation; because although it is an age old photo, I don't see how I let what others thought of me get into my head when I was younger. I don't want to gloat, or seem full of myself when I say this, but I think I look very nice in the photo. While I didn't see it at the time, it was there, and I let others make me self conscious about my body and who I was as a person.
While no boy has ever dated me, that in no way says I am unworthy of being happy or believing no man will ever want to take me as his wife.

Being single for 19 years isn't a punishment for me, if anything it's God's blessing on me to encourage me to remain pure for my husband and the relationship that is meant to be shared in that union. I now count my 19 years as a blessing from God to keep me from all the heartbreak and temptations that come along with being in a relationship. I'm not saying I'll never date, and I'm not saying that if/when I date the first man will be my husband (I DO continually pray the right man is being matured and prepared for me, however), but I understand not all things are meant to work. I will continue to place this area of my life in God's hands and trust his timing for whatever he has planned for me, and prayerfully await to see what he has planned.

The world has no right to define who I am. I am seeking the approval of God, not man.

I may or may not be married at some point in my life, and as hard as this is to say... if God says I am to be single for the remainder of my life, then I will happily and joyfully serve him as a single woman proclaiming the words of my Father who has saved me from all the unrighteousness and sinfulness I have committed in my life. God has blessed me in many ways and has comforted me through many difficult times in my life. Sadly, I have slipped up many times along the way, but thankfully God's grace is abounding and He continues to take me back in when I confess my unrighteousness.

Although I slightly veered off subject, I still feel these items are every bit as relevant and related to one another when it comes to being a teenage girl. So to wrap up I want to leave you with Psalm 139 to remember.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Your Mouth Speaks What Fills Your Heart

Well... It has been quite some time since I last posted, but for good reasons, I promise. I don't think I have been this worn out from studying and lack of sleep in a LONG time. To be completely honest, I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I concentrate and work so much right before an exam. To me it doesn't seem like much at the time, but it has slowly been adding up and I am officially noticing how much I really do. So now that I have basically taken a day to do very little (partly due to terrible back pain and headaches), and also getting a nap in for the first time this week, I'm going to sit here and post about one of my previously mentioned items on my list.

I will actually be grouping a couple together this time because they are so closely related.

1.  The dorms make me feel emotions I wish didn't exist.
7.  I ever so greatly dislike dorm life.
11.  Everywhere I turn there are people.
16.  Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them.

 So those are the topics I have chosen to talk about in this post, here we go!

As number one and number seven say very clearly, I DO NOT enjoy living in the dorms. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy being around the people I have met, but I just don't have any space that is my own. There are so many people here that.. well, I'm not sure if they just don't know how to be considerate of others they are living with, or if they truly don't care in the first place......That has been my biggest thing I have had to accept, not everyone was raised with manners and I can't do much about it. To go along with that... these people are EVERYWHERE!!!! I don't mind being around people whatsoever, but there is a point where it just gets overbearing. (That was about 2 months ago for me.) I have, since moving in, moved to a different room which helped a slight bit in the fact that I have a place in which I feel comfortable and welcome in when I want to be there and I have a wonderful roommate who is very cheery and energetic. (Reminds me of myself when I was younger... so much energy!)

This leads me to the point of "Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them" and the fact that I felt emotions I wish didn't exist. As I just stated, I have moved rooms recently and learned a great deal in the process of decidng to move.  While I could have probably stayed in the room I was already in, my roommate and I seemed to constantly make jabs and punches at one another all the time; whether in a joking manner or out of true anger toward one another. I have never felt so NEGATIVE and MEAN in my entire life.. I hated feeling like that all the time and just had to figure out what to do. Of course I prayed and prayed about what to do and nothing came for the longest time. Then, a week before I actually decided to move out a girl on our floor moved from her room to another dorm. I didn't really think much of it until things in my room continued to spiral downward. I continued to talk to my mom and brother about the situation until the day I made a rude and unnecessary remark to my roommate in which I decided that the arguments had gone far enough at that point. I was beginning to become like the people I was around all the time, and I didn't want that. There was so much cussing, negativity, anger, jealously, and so many other emotions that I was becoming a part of it as well and I didn't want to have that happen. and I firmly believe that,

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

 I was proof of it, and I continue to see it in some of the other girls here as well. In the process of all this there were a LOT of other things going on at the time as well, including finding out who I can and can't talk to about certain things without it being spread (welcome to small town feel again). I was being attacked by Satan left and right so say the least, and he was using the people around me that I had just met to his advantage of that. I have spent so much time in prayer this semester and I LOVE it!!! It's not just the bad things, it's every thing in between, but I'm getting ahead of myself! Those are topics to be discussed further in depth in future posts!!!

Musings of a College Girl

Well, I'm not exactly posting as often as I wish I were, but hey... I guess I post when I'm free and that is totally enough for me. Between finding down time just to waste I guess (I REALLY want to spend this time better though) and doing homework to the point I'm mentally exhausted I try not to add more "assignments" to my day. Granted, I do enjoy writing, but it's really been on the back burner over the last couple of years.

Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I thought I would make a post from the perspective of a freshman college student seeking God; and as many of you know, sometimes I just get off on a rant. So, in order to keep myself on a structured post I am going to delve into some of my experiences by first listing some things I didn't expect when I got here, things I have encountered that I just feel have been "important" as I have been here so far, and just some things I feel deserve to be discussed that aren't always mentioned about college.

So, now for the list.  I will try my best to keep it quick and concise for now and then will explain their meaning in more depth in later posts.

1.  The dorms make me feel emotions I wish didn't exist.
2.  Sometimes I just wish there was a spot I could go that no one knows about or ever will know about.
3.  All of the cussing around me has helped me appreciate how I was raised.
4.  My roommate has helped me realize how blessed I am to live in the family I do.
5.  I have only recently discovered how "not-sheltered" I am, and I have discovered how privileged I have been to have had these experiences in my life.
6.  I still don't know what I am going to do for sure with my life after I graduate.
7.  I ever so greatly dislike dorm life.
8.  I'm not homesick, I'm "people-sick."
9.  My faith in God has been my saving grace.
10.  Love. Lust. Boys. : Why is everyone boy crazy? o.O
11.  Everywhere I turn there are people.
12.  Christian fellowship is more important now than ever.
13.  If you put forth an effort, you can, and most likely will, succeed.
14.  Sometimes you just have to say NO!
15.  Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means you lose a friend or two.
16.  Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them.
17.  Take time to relax. Don't stress.
18.  Don't let disappointment or discouragement prevent you from thanking God or seeking God for that matter. (Even if it sounds odd.)
19.  The first few weeks (or first month) do not determine how the rest of your life is going to go. You have that control.
20.  Learn to love your parents in the littlest ways. Talk to them when you can.

Now, I could sit here for hours thinking of things that have happened since I have been here, and I probably would, but that's not exactly the most efficient thing to do. I know it's quite the list, but if you so desire, I would love for you to stick around for a while and muse with me.

So for now, Love and Blessings my friends.

Letting Go and Letting God......

I'm not really one to get "homesick" persay... I mean, yeah.. I miss my bed, a real shower, having somewhere to go when I'm tired of homework, and someone to talk to when I'm feeling a little down.

Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a bit homesick today... Then again I've been inside studying and reviewing for two quizzes and an exam that I'll have tomorrow. I miss having a distinct line between me time (home) and school time (homework and people). It just doesn't exist here. College puts everything in the same place. I'm tired of my room, I feel like I'm captive to everything around me including myself, and I just don't like it.

Don't get me wrong, college is ok and I'm here for the education, but I miss having space away from the same ole same ole every second of my life. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to be getting out of this place a year earlier than planned. Because honestly, I don't think I would be able to last four years. This isn't my environment whatsoever. I'm not a person who wants to be "free" from the "constraints" of my parents. I became a home body in high school and I don't really feel like that needs to change. While my brother quickly became a people person once he left home and fit right in with the group of people around there, I feel completely trapped.

I guess part of this could be due to the fact that I made a quick trip home this weekend... and boy was it short to say the least.... When I got back all I had to look forward to was homework and cussing.

The only thing I want to do right now is cry. And you know what? I don't see anything wrong with that. I have had a long day, and I have definitely had a recurring theme coming to me everywhere I turn. And that theme is: Let go and let God.

I don't really have much more to say tonight seeing as I am mentally worn out and I feel like things are becoming a difficulty more than anything to me right now so I think I'm just going to leave this post a rough post. It fits how I'm feeling today. I know after my quizzes and exam I'll probably feel tons better, but right now all I can do is "Let go and let God."

Sometimes a "No" Is What You Need

You know, it's odd... I have been putting off writing the post I made last night for the longest time because I just KNEW I would post it and then I would feel stupid posting it because things would change right after I posted it. Well... here I am, day after the post, weeks after continuing to pray, and hours after I went to sleep with high hopes for today, and what can I say other than this: I am humbled once again.

We so often pray and wait for an answer from God and assume that answer will always be "yes, as you wish my son/daughter. I will do exactly as you want and everything will go according to you." When in reality, sometimes that "unanswered" prayer is actually quite answered. Think about it this way: If you are a parent you know this all too well and know what I'm talking about, so bear with me... Anyway, when a child asks you for an extra sweet, extra tv time, or just extra anything in general that wouldn't necessarily benefit them at that time, you ARE going to say "no." Not because you don't love them or because you want to see them sad. On the contrary in fact! You want nothing but the best for them in the long run! In the same way parents discipline children out of love for them, God does the same to us. Sometimes the answer is yes, and other times the answer is no.

Now, you're probably wondering how this even fits into my last post and being humbled. Well, I must say, that not finding a church to attend that fits your needs wipes you out and it makes you feel like all you're getting is a constant no. Well, this week I really hit a point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I cried and let my mother see me cry as I voiced my concern about being in a place I didn't feel I could grow my faith and relationship with Christ. I RARELY talk with my mom about things like this, but I really felt it was necessary, and I am oh so glad I did. I am humbled in the fact that God opened my eyes to how stubborn I am about sharing my relationship with Christ with my oen family and He still loves me. Really. I kept praying and praying that I would find a church to attend and a place that felt at home for me to grow. And I found it. I am so glad I found it. My doubts haven't completely disappeared yet, but they ARE slowly diminishing.

So to close this short post I have for today, I want to leave you with a small quote that presents a LARGE thought. Today's sermon was based on The Sermon on the Mound, and even more specifically, The Narrow Gate in Matthew 7:13-14. The pastor did an eloquent job in presenting this subject and I feel more people should have heard the message he presented today. In one portion of the sermon he mentioned how becoming tolerant is far too common these days of Christians and we are being marginalized because we aren't "accepting" others the way they want to be accepted.

--So let me leave you with this quote and few other notes from the Sermon--

"You don't see a liberal Christian becoming more conservative, you see a conservative Christian becoming more broad" because we aren't willing to accept the truth stated in the Word of God-- We want to believe the narrow gate is wider than it actually is.  Pastor David Hintz *Flint Hills Christian Church*

Keep Praying, and Accept His Answer.
Much love.

Hold On & Hang Tight

If I told you I loved college so far, it would be a lie. Then again, if I told you I hated college it would also be a lie. To be completely honest I'm a little at a loss for my clear feelings on this subject right now. It has it's ups such as meeting new people and experiencing new things, and then it has its downs of the cussing, lack of family feel, and I have yet to find a church and support group in which I feel secure and comfortable in. I haven't exactly been here every weekend to try out a new church each time, but so far the two that I have been to just haven't fit the bill of what I am looking for in a church/spiritual environment. This may be in part that I feel the atmosphere is almost fake or commercialized because the church is trying so hard to be "inviting" to new college students. In all honesty it just feels fake to me. I have been attending "Christian Challenge" with some members of my floor and will be starting a Freshman Bible Study on Monday nights starting this week. I will admit that I feel blessed to have several girls on my floor who desire to keep their church going and relationship with Christ going and it's nice to have someone I can have a good discussion with. On the other hand though, I just don't feel they are in a place in which I would feel comfortable to have a heart-to-heart with. Granted, it is only the 4th week of being here, but I miss my close friends like crazy, and I desire a mentor to look up to that can be a role model and a mentor for me.

If I told you I chose college based on where I felt I would have the best opportunity to grow that would be a lie. I chose where I thought I would feel most comfortable and the most "safe." I went for the small campus size and the "welcoming" feel. Now that I'm here however.. I slightly regret the decision I made. I mean, yeah, I did come to college to complete a degree and get an education, but I'm more concerned about my relationship with Christ and my ability to grow while I'm here. I just don't feel that possibility right now. Yes, I know I can still grow in Christ no matter where I am, but I feel oh so stunted right now. I feel like I should be in Manhattan with the group of people I know would support me and challenge me to grow and help me get involved. That's not here though.... That's an hour and 10 minutes away from here. That's a chunk of change out of my pocket. That's a whole other story. And I'm not going to go there.

I will continue to search for a church within the boundaries of Emporia until I find one I feel suits my needs to help me nurture my relationship with Christ each Sunday. If that doesn't happen, I'll look in Lamont at a church, and if that doesn't fit my needs, I guess I'll be taking a trip to Manhattan every weekend to the church I know I could feel comfortable at.

How is it that half of what I want is here in Emporia, but the things I'm positive I need are in Manhattan? I don't know what is planned yet, but I will be "content in whatever the circumstances". As hard as that may feel at the moment I will try my hardest and I will continue to seek God all the while. Who knows... God does crazy things in the blink of an eye.

Here's to hanging tight and never letting go. And if you happen to think about me at any time... I'd appreciate the prayers... I'm worn a little thin on my emotions with missing home and trying to find a church, as well as dealing with the fact that I can't handle cussing \[hurting my ears] and I have to be around it the majority of the time on my floor.

Much love to all who happen to read this.