Your Mouth Speaks What Fills Your Heart

Well... It has been quite some time since I last posted, but for good reasons, I promise. I don't think I have been this worn out from studying and lack of sleep in a LONG time. To be completely honest, I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I concentrate and work so much right before an exam. To me it doesn't seem like much at the time, but it has slowly been adding up and I am officially noticing how much I really do. So now that I have basically taken a day to do very little (partly due to terrible back pain and headaches), and also getting a nap in for the first time this week, I'm going to sit here and post about one of my previously mentioned items on my list.

I will actually be grouping a couple together this time because they are so closely related.

1.  The dorms make me feel emotions I wish didn't exist.
7.  I ever so greatly dislike dorm life.
11.  Everywhere I turn there are people.
16.  Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them.

 So those are the topics I have chosen to talk about in this post, here we go!

As number one and number seven say very clearly, I DO NOT enjoy living in the dorms. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy being around the people I have met, but I just don't have any space that is my own. There are so many people here that.. well, I'm not sure if they just don't know how to be considerate of others they are living with, or if they truly don't care in the first place......That has been my biggest thing I have had to accept, not everyone was raised with manners and I can't do much about it. To go along with that... these people are EVERYWHERE!!!! I don't mind being around people whatsoever, but there is a point where it just gets overbearing. (That was about 2 months ago for me.) I have, since moving in, moved to a different room which helped a slight bit in the fact that I have a place in which I feel comfortable and welcome in when I want to be there and I have a wonderful roommate who is very cheery and energetic. (Reminds me of myself when I was younger... so much energy!)

This leads me to the point of "Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them" and the fact that I felt emotions I wish didn't exist. As I just stated, I have moved rooms recently and learned a great deal in the process of decidng to move.  While I could have probably stayed in the room I was already in, my roommate and I seemed to constantly make jabs and punches at one another all the time; whether in a joking manner or out of true anger toward one another. I have never felt so NEGATIVE and MEAN in my entire life.. I hated feeling like that all the time and just had to figure out what to do. Of course I prayed and prayed about what to do and nothing came for the longest time. Then, a week before I actually decided to move out a girl on our floor moved from her room to another dorm. I didn't really think much of it until things in my room continued to spiral downward. I continued to talk to my mom and brother about the situation until the day I made a rude and unnecessary remark to my roommate in which I decided that the arguments had gone far enough at that point. I was beginning to become like the people I was around all the time, and I didn't want that. There was so much cussing, negativity, anger, jealously, and so many other emotions that I was becoming a part of it as well and I didn't want to have that happen. and I firmly believe that,

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

 I was proof of it, and I continue to see it in some of the other girls here as well. In the process of all this there were a LOT of other things going on at the time as well, including finding out who I can and can't talk to about certain things without it being spread (welcome to small town feel again). I was being attacked by Satan left and right so say the least, and he was using the people around me that I had just met to his advantage of that. I have spent so much time in prayer this semester and I LOVE it!!! It's not just the bad things, it's every thing in between, but I'm getting ahead of myself! Those are topics to be discussed further in depth in future posts!!!

Musings of a College Girl

Well, I'm not exactly posting as often as I wish I were, but hey... I guess I post when I'm free and that is totally enough for me. Between finding down time just to waste I guess (I REALLY want to spend this time better though) and doing homework to the point I'm mentally exhausted I try not to add more "assignments" to my day. Granted, I do enjoy writing, but it's really been on the back burner over the last couple of years.

Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I thought I would make a post from the perspective of a freshman college student seeking God; and as many of you know, sometimes I just get off on a rant. So, in order to keep myself on a structured post I am going to delve into some of my experiences by first listing some things I didn't expect when I got here, things I have encountered that I just feel have been "important" as I have been here so far, and just some things I feel deserve to be discussed that aren't always mentioned about college.

So, now for the list.  I will try my best to keep it quick and concise for now and then will explain their meaning in more depth in later posts.

1.  The dorms make me feel emotions I wish didn't exist.
2.  Sometimes I just wish there was a spot I could go that no one knows about or ever will know about.
3.  All of the cussing around me has helped me appreciate how I was raised.
4.  My roommate has helped me realize how blessed I am to live in the family I do.
5.  I have only recently discovered how "not-sheltered" I am, and I have discovered how privileged I have been to have had these experiences in my life.
6.  I still don't know what I am going to do for sure with my life after I graduate.
7.  I ever so greatly dislike dorm life.
8.  I'm not homesick, I'm "people-sick."
9.  My faith in God has been my saving grace.
10.  Love. Lust. Boys. : Why is everyone boy crazy? o.O
11.  Everywhere I turn there are people.
12.  Christian fellowship is more important now than ever.
13.  If you put forth an effort, you can, and most likely will, succeed.
14.  Sometimes you just have to say NO!
15.  Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means you lose a friend or two.
16.  Just because you live on the same floor as them doesn't mean you have to share everything with them.
17.  Take time to relax. Don't stress.
18.  Don't let disappointment or discouragement prevent you from thanking God or seeking God for that matter. (Even if it sounds odd.)
19.  The first few weeks (or first month) do not determine how the rest of your life is going to go. You have that control.
20.  Learn to love your parents in the littlest ways. Talk to them when you can.

Now, I could sit here for hours thinking of things that have happened since I have been here, and I probably would, but that's not exactly the most efficient thing to do. I know it's quite the list, but if you so desire, I would love for you to stick around for a while and muse with me.

So for now, Love and Blessings my friends.

Letting Go and Letting God......

I'm not really one to get "homesick" persay... I mean, yeah.. I miss my bed, a real shower, having somewhere to go when I'm tired of homework, and someone to talk to when I'm feeling a little down.

Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a bit homesick today... Then again I've been inside studying and reviewing for two quizzes and an exam that I'll have tomorrow. I miss having a distinct line between me time (home) and school time (homework and people). It just doesn't exist here. College puts everything in the same place. I'm tired of my room, I feel like I'm captive to everything around me including myself, and I just don't like it.

Don't get me wrong, college is ok and I'm here for the education, but I miss having space away from the same ole same ole every second of my life. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to be getting out of this place a year earlier than planned. Because honestly, I don't think I would be able to last four years. This isn't my environment whatsoever. I'm not a person who wants to be "free" from the "constraints" of my parents. I became a home body in high school and I don't really feel like that needs to change. While my brother quickly became a people person once he left home and fit right in with the group of people around there, I feel completely trapped.

I guess part of this could be due to the fact that I made a quick trip home this weekend... and boy was it short to say the least.... When I got back all I had to look forward to was homework and cussing.

The only thing I want to do right now is cry. And you know what? I don't see anything wrong with that. I have had a long day, and I have definitely had a recurring theme coming to me everywhere I turn. And that theme is: Let go and let God.

I don't really have much more to say tonight seeing as I am mentally worn out and I feel like things are becoming a difficulty more than anything to me right now so I think I'm just going to leave this post a rough post. It fits how I'm feeling today. I know after my quizzes and exam I'll probably feel tons better, but right now all I can do is "Let go and let God."

Sometimes a "No" Is What You Need

You know, it's odd... I have been putting off writing the post I made last night for the longest time because I just KNEW I would post it and then I would feel stupid posting it because things would change right after I posted it. Well... here I am, day after the post, weeks after continuing to pray, and hours after I went to sleep with high hopes for today, and what can I say other than this: I am humbled once again.

We so often pray and wait for an answer from God and assume that answer will always be "yes, as you wish my son/daughter. I will do exactly as you want and everything will go according to you." When in reality, sometimes that "unanswered" prayer is actually quite answered. Think about it this way: If you are a parent you know this all too well and know what I'm talking about, so bear with me... Anyway, when a child asks you for an extra sweet, extra tv time, or just extra anything in general that wouldn't necessarily benefit them at that time, you ARE going to say "no." Not because you don't love them or because you want to see them sad. On the contrary in fact! You want nothing but the best for them in the long run! In the same way parents discipline children out of love for them, God does the same to us. Sometimes the answer is yes, and other times the answer is no.

Now, you're probably wondering how this even fits into my last post and being humbled. Well, I must say, that not finding a church to attend that fits your needs wipes you out and it makes you feel like all you're getting is a constant no. Well, this week I really hit a point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I cried and let my mother see me cry as I voiced my concern about being in a place I didn't feel I could grow my faith and relationship with Christ. I RARELY talk with my mom about things like this, but I really felt it was necessary, and I am oh so glad I did. I am humbled in the fact that God opened my eyes to how stubborn I am about sharing my relationship with Christ with my oen family and He still loves me. Really. I kept praying and praying that I would find a church to attend and a place that felt at home for me to grow. And I found it. I am so glad I found it. My doubts haven't completely disappeared yet, but they ARE slowly diminishing.

So to close this short post I have for today, I want to leave you with a small quote that presents a LARGE thought. Today's sermon was based on The Sermon on the Mound, and even more specifically, The Narrow Gate in Matthew 7:13-14. The pastor did an eloquent job in presenting this subject and I feel more people should have heard the message he presented today. In one portion of the sermon he mentioned how becoming tolerant is far too common these days of Christians and we are being marginalized because we aren't "accepting" others the way they want to be accepted.

--So let me leave you with this quote and few other notes from the Sermon--

"You don't see a liberal Christian becoming more conservative, you see a conservative Christian becoming more broad" because we aren't willing to accept the truth stated in the Word of God-- We want to believe the narrow gate is wider than it actually is.  Pastor David Hintz *Flint Hills Christian Church*

Keep Praying, and Accept His Answer.
Much love.

Hold On & Hang Tight

If I told you I loved college so far, it would be a lie. Then again, if I told you I hated college it would also be a lie. To be completely honest I'm a little at a loss for my clear feelings on this subject right now. It has it's ups such as meeting new people and experiencing new things, and then it has its downs of the cussing, lack of family feel, and I have yet to find a church and support group in which I feel secure and comfortable in. I haven't exactly been here every weekend to try out a new church each time, but so far the two that I have been to just haven't fit the bill of what I am looking for in a church/spiritual environment. This may be in part that I feel the atmosphere is almost fake or commercialized because the church is trying so hard to be "inviting" to new college students. In all honesty it just feels fake to me. I have been attending "Christian Challenge" with some members of my floor and will be starting a Freshman Bible Study on Monday nights starting this week. I will admit that I feel blessed to have several girls on my floor who desire to keep their church going and relationship with Christ going and it's nice to have someone I can have a good discussion with. On the other hand though, I just don't feel they are in a place in which I would feel comfortable to have a heart-to-heart with. Granted, it is only the 4th week of being here, but I miss my close friends like crazy, and I desire a mentor to look up to that can be a role model and a mentor for me.

If I told you I chose college based on where I felt I would have the best opportunity to grow that would be a lie. I chose where I thought I would feel most comfortable and the most "safe." I went for the small campus size and the "welcoming" feel. Now that I'm here however.. I slightly regret the decision I made. I mean, yeah, I did come to college to complete a degree and get an education, but I'm more concerned about my relationship with Christ and my ability to grow while I'm here. I just don't feel that possibility right now. Yes, I know I can still grow in Christ no matter where I am, but I feel oh so stunted right now. I feel like I should be in Manhattan with the group of people I know would support me and challenge me to grow and help me get involved. That's not here though.... That's an hour and 10 minutes away from here. That's a chunk of change out of my pocket. That's a whole other story. And I'm not going to go there.

I will continue to search for a church within the boundaries of Emporia until I find one I feel suits my needs to help me nurture my relationship with Christ each Sunday. If that doesn't happen, I'll look in Lamont at a church, and if that doesn't fit my needs, I guess I'll be taking a trip to Manhattan every weekend to the church I know I could feel comfortable at.

How is it that half of what I want is here in Emporia, but the things I'm positive I need are in Manhattan? I don't know what is planned yet, but I will be "content in whatever the circumstances". As hard as that may feel at the moment I will try my hardest and I will continue to seek God all the while. Who knows... God does crazy things in the blink of an eye.

Here's to hanging tight and never letting go. And if you happen to think about me at any time... I'd appreciate the prayers... I'm worn a little thin on my emotions with missing home and trying to find a church, as well as dealing with the fact that I can't handle cussing \[hurting my ears] and I have to be around it the majority of the time on my floor.

Much love to all who happen to read this.

He's Reaching Out & College Bound

Wow. What can I say? These last few months have flown by... They've been crazy, amazing, horrible, stressful, and enlightening all in such a short amount of time. This last month has been especially trying for me. Between getting back from all my trips, helping on the farm, helping with fair, dealing with personal issues, and helping my mom with her campaigning for County Clerk, I reached an end last night. Not the end where you just feel like cutting everyone up into pieces or clawing someone's eyes out, but an end where you just don't know how to feel other than confused, tired, and all you want to do is get away from people but see your closest friends at the same time in hope that it makes you feel better.

I don't feel I should go into detail about what went on yesterday as it is a personal matter that just doesn't need shared, but I will say this. I have been so shaken up and to the point of crying sooo many times over this month, but last night I couldn't cry. Trust me, I wanted to, but the tears just wouldn't come. So when I went out on a bike ride and found my tires were low, I didn't feel like going back home just yet  to fill the tires, and I had no friend that I could turn to (well in town) for support just to sit with me, or let me air up my tires for that matter. *insert smug smile* In the midst of it all I ended up sitting in the last place on town I could think of that I wouldn't be bothered since none of my friends were either able, or willing, to be with me at the moment. And it might seem like the most random place in the world to some people, but to me it's my home away from home.. The place I can be real with God.. and myself if need be...

I literally walked to the middle of the football field and sat down in the cool grass. Lo and behold, I wasn't alone for long. It's amazing how when you reach out to God for a little comfort how he responds. Even when you think you don't have the desire to see anyone for the rest of the night... Although I didn't exactly want to talk, the two sat there for a little while and we had small talk, they were concerned, but I guarantee they had no clue that I had something bothering me like it was when they made their own way to the middle of the football field at dusk. Anyway, as I sat there I felt embraced, loved, and adored by the God who loves and created me. I was looking around and seeing how small I was in comparison to the field, sky, and world around me. But he still loved me regardless of how I felt at the moment.

To put it simply, He reached me when and where I needed it. He loved me and held me when I felt like I couldn't love myself....



In other news, I hope to be posting some new stories as I head off to college  here shortly. I'll share some things I learn from being a new Christian college student, and I learn how to interact in the world around us on a day to day basis. So stick with me if you so choose and we'll see what God has in store.

Is This the Right Mission for Me?

As many of you may know, I went on several trips this summer. Two of which were mission trips. Now, most people might think all mission trips are the same, but let me tell you this: THEY AREN'T!!! I have now been on three different trips to three different locations and none has been anything like the other. So right about now I'd like to do a little plug about going on a mission trip!

I don't want to sound like everyone else who has gone on a mission trip, but they truly are an amazing experience in your life. It might not seem like it at that moment, but there are amazing things going on... More than you know. Then again, however, you might feel it right at the very moment you set foot onto the ground you will be ministering on. Whether that is ministering with words, works, or both, it doesn't go unnoticed no matter how small you might think it seems.

Now as for the two trips I went on this year, they were very different and I got two very different lessons from both of them. The first trip was a more evangelical based mission trip where we went out and taught about God's word and loved on people as we went while the other was very work based... but I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll tell you about that later on! When it comes to preparing however, I highly encourage the group to get together and get to know one another and train in how to share the word of God and learn more about what you will be doing, praying over each other and the trip, and growing closer as a team so you can further the Kingdom even more. It might seem like a hassle, but we had 6 months of training before out trip... No, not every day, more like every other Sunday, but it is genuinely worth it in the long run!! And as for the money component of any Christ based purpose, if it's a problem... it's not a problem, God will provide if you are to go on the trip. Trust me, I've seen amazing things happen in that situation.

So, now that I've kind of introduced you to my mission trip experience I am going to dive a little deeper into both of them by letting you read my thank you letter to my "support-letter" providers. I was so blessed this year to receive the monetary support needed to attend both of my trips by writing a letter and praying that God would provide. So here you go, and enjoy! :)

Sorry it has taken me so long to get this thank you letter out! Between all three of my trips and getting back home and helping on the farm I have been super busy and am just getting around to having a little free time to think and get things organized. So, I thought I would take the time to share a little about each of my mission trips with you.

            I would first like to say thank you for the support you gave me to go on these trips, between the monetary support and the prayers from everyone every single ounce of prayer and money was essential for me to go on my two mission trips.  These trips were great for my spiritual growth and learning… trust me, three trips in a matter of a little over three weeks takes a toll on your patience and emotions!

            I must say, however, I enjoyed both mission trips nonetheless. After getting home from my senior trip I was not only physically drained from little sleep, but also emotionally drained from all the happenings of drama that will always occur with a class our size. However, I happily unpacked, washed and repacked my clothes in hopes of a WONDERFUL mission trip to Kansas City, and it was wonderful to say the least. We had the opportunity to go door to door and invite members of the community to an event called Community United where we had several bands, singers, pastors, and speakers in the local park just up the street from Hope Community Church, the church we were helping this year. They also had a face painting booth, a prayer booth, and free food for all. This event was amazing; we saw many miracles, as small as someone’s arthritic thumb being relieved of pain and as large as a man’s wife who was going to die within three weeks being prayed over and now the doctors say she will live, and many lives were given to Christ. The following day, Sunday, we helped Hope Community Church by giving the sermon and leading worship for their service. We also raised enough money along the way to bless them with a large donation to their church and Pastor Manny and his wife Shannon for a weekend to recharge. Our group was also able to clear a large “fellowship hall” that was filled wall to wall with items of all sorts the following day. Our youth pastor Cody Tupps made a comment at the beginning that he didn’t think we would have enough time to clean everything up, let alone get it organized and usable! Nonetheless, we were able to declutter, clean, and organize everything by about 3 o’clock that day! The room now has three teaching areas which they planned to use for the VBS they would have the week after we were there, an area for the youth to relax and get together, and an area with a kitchen prep type area with a fridge, freezer, and space to prepare things if need be. On our final day of work we went to an organization by the name of reStart where families can go when in need of transitional housing; some stay for two weeks while others stay for two years, depending on their amount of need determined by the application process. Here my group was able to clean a one room apartment from a previous family that would soon be used for another. After completing this, we went and spent some time at the park across from reStart playing with kids, talking with families, and just showing people the love of God! It was amazing to see our group grow together and work for the same purpose this whole week in Kansas City, and I must say, our night rallies where we got together and worshipped God were AMAZING!

            Now, seeing as I have only gone on mission trips with my youth pastor’s groups for the entirety of my first two mission trips ever, I had no clue what to expect on this next trip. Not only did I not know what to expect, but I was spiritually and emotionally drained.  There was no training, no group coming together, and no real connection of the group I guess you could say. However, our trip to Jacksonville was still a great way to serve God’s people as well. Because I am used to Cody’s type of trip, I was expecting more of an evangelical trip, but this trip was basically service projects the whole way through.  Our first day was definitely the most labor intensive; we worked with Habitat for Humanity Beaches JAX where we helped put the finishing touches on a house. Here we laid 4,000 square feet of sod, and they weren’t fresh squares of sod or rolls of sod either, they were dead, heavy, rained on pieces of sod!! Wow, they were a workout times about ten! J But as with most Western Kansas mindsets, we wanted to get as much work done as we possibly could, and I’m pretty sure we did. After completing this job around four in the afternoon we then went to The Salvation Army to serve a meal to the homeless. This would have to be my favorite part of the whole trip because although it might be a slight scare or danger to some people, I was able to humble myself from my place in life and show compassion to those around me and I loved every second of it. I was even told thank you by a gentleman because he said I was such a blessing to the Kingdom, and that made my heart melt! It’s so nice to know I can touch someone by simply handing them a plate of food or sharing a smile and saying you’re welcome. Now, the next day we were all certainly tired and sore, but we kept on pushing as we went back to The Salvation Army and sorted and bagged food for their food bank. We were able to package enough sacks of food to help the volunteers and workers to have enough bags for about two or three weeks! After eating another wonderful meal provided by The Salvation Army we headed over to Second Harvest which is another food bank type organization. Here we sacked bags of food for families that were USDA bags, several cleaned up many pallets of spilled milk, organized shelves, and sorted through 4,000 pounds of cans that would be able to feed 3,800 people. Later that evening and Thursday evening we also went to an apartment complex for refugees from places such as Nepal, Mexico, Bhutan, and Honduras where we held a “VBS” where we played games, acted out Bible stories, sang songs and lead actions, and had a snack with the kids. This was a great experience for many of the group to see different ethnic groups and interact and love the kids as well! Thursday morning was a little less physical on us as we went to Habitat’s ReStore where we sorted and organized tile, measured and marked window frames, and rolled carpet for them. This store, however, is run completely on donations and offers home essentials at a mere fraction of the cost something might cost normally, and many of the items in the store are still in GREAT shape to be used by whoever needs them.

            So, although I am extremely worn out in the physical, emotional, and spiritual part of things at the moment, it was very much worth it. Three trips with three VERY different focuses taught me very different things, and while my first trip wasn’t a mission trip, it helped me appreciate the family I am in, how I was raised, and the God who loves me!

            Again, thank you SO much for the support you gave me to endure and enjoy the joys, trials, and adventures of these trips! I have enclosed a DVD that has our Kansas City mission trip highlights on it for you to check out; the music on the DVD varies from the music of Christian rappers Lecrae, Hood Saint, and Rep One (Hood Saint and Rep One performed at Community United), and also the music for Megan Isaacson from Denver who joined us on our trip to be our worship leader (you’ll see her and two of our team members perform on stage in the video). Hope you enjoy it, and thank you again!

So there you have it.. it's not exactly short, but if I were to wrap this all up in a few words it would be these: Don't let fear or lack of experience take you away from a trip with God... Take a leap of faith and further His Kingdom :)

Build It Up! Don't Break It Down!

I know not many people ever even see my posts, and that's ok. (I do wish I had the guts to be willing to let more people read it though...) And I often wonder why I even bother posting a new post every so often. To be honest, I guess it just helps me keep track of some of the things going on in my life and where God has brought me. So if you happen to be reading this blog, I thank you for at least glancing at my posts even if you don't read the whole thing. I know I can be long winded when it comes to writing so I apologize in advance! :)

Today and in the recent weeks I have been brutally reminded of where I should be in my relationship with God and how off track I keep getting. I love living in a small community in the fact that I and those around me were raised and instilled with manners and common sense to help us make it in life, and we are very fortunate to have these values! But in recent days as I have been thinking about how quickly I will be leaving this town and moving onto bigger and more amazing things I see how faulted our community is as well. I know each community has it's downfalls and we aren't exempt from them either. I really feel like we have been nit-picking one another on how things should be done and how things are being gone about. In short, we're tearing each other down for the things that we shouldn't be.

If you are to look at each family's morals and standards you are guaranteed to see differences in them no matter what. I don't think that is bad at all because we were each raised in a certain way... obviously. However, I don't feel we should be tearing each other down because of a decision that is going to be slightly out of the norm for what they might believe. We are the church: Christ's bride and his loved people! We are to build one another up and not break them down! In Philippians 4:8 we are told to think of every thing noble, pleasing, and pure to God. It's not based on our standards whatsoever. It is simply based on His standards.

When others say we should be concerned with our own life and not worry about those around us and how they are living their life we aren't helping God's kingdom. God calls us to bear the burdens of one another and to help grow The Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, we ARE to be concerned about our brothers. Not in the fact that we condemn them and go about bickering with one another because we think our belief is better than theirs. If we live according to God no belief is greater than the other because we would always be striving toward God's plans and desires rather than what we BELIEVE.

I guess I have just been greatly awoken to how we should be acting in the situations that are being presented to us. Before we act or speak we should know the whole story behind what happened and the real intentions, not the assumed intentions.

We are called to build up HIS Kingdom... Are you? Go! Build! Follow God!

Losing... But not really.

I love this song, couldn't agree more with these feelings. Check it out my friends! :)

Heart : Broken or Mended?

I can't decide whether this post is actually about boy problems, or friend problems. I mean, neither actually exists right now, but maybe it does. I'm not really sure.

You know, I find myself blogging the most when things start going awry, and I usually don't know why. Tonight, watching a movie by myself on my laptop I was so brutally reminded how cruel high school is to people. Not only did the movie remind me, but the last two days I have had did as well. Now don't get me wrong, I had a WONDERFUL day with two of my extremely wonderful friends, and I would LOVE to spend more time with them. However, as I made plans for things to do during these days away from home I became sidetracked by none other than a boy. One I hadn't seen in about two years and had possible lingering feelings for, but I wasn't quite sure at the time how I genuinely felt. I was hopeful and that was my biggest downfall. I wasn't going in hopes of a date or furthering of the friendship into something more. I was going to see how God handled things that I had handed over to him many times before and just recently even more so.

And boy did God have a way with this one. As many of you know, I have never been in a relationship in my life and sometimes I struggle with it. This time was no different, trust me. I have learned over time that I fall hard and fast, and I know it every step of the way unfortunately. I truly never intend to fall for anyone, but it happens because I try to take things into my hands rather than continuing to hand it over to God. Anyway, let me explain this situation. Having planned to meet up with this friend that I don't exactly know that well was yet another attempt to possibly meet a wonderful guy that I happened to slightly like. We had planned other times to meet up because each of us knew we kind of liked one another but didn't know if we would pursue anything. Shortly after he got a girlfriend and of course I became a thing of the past. Nothing new for me, but soon I was being contacted and he was still in a relationship... No, he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend by any means whatsoever. Trust me, he's a genuinely sweet guy. I became the person to talk to if need be, and I didn't exactly mind but then again I want others to know I'm always around if they need help. Sadly, I feel very responsible for the ending of that relationship between the two of them. I have no clue what he might have to say in this matter, but if I ever have the chance to apologize in person I will. I'm not sure I was the best confident in the fact that I still liked him just a smidge so I was slightly jealous from my forever single standpoint. I feel terrible still to this day. I never intended to keep these feelings around anymore, but they just seem to keep coming back. Maybe it's because there's a boy that actually told me he liked me and I liked him: that's a first in my life (FYI). So today and yesterday I guess were hopeful. I don't know if any of the... I guess it could be called ditching??...... was intentional, but it still hurt. In fact, it brought all the feelings I felt from high school back in a full rush at the same time.

I don't tell people my story... I'm ashamed of my story.... In fact, it's the reason I'm writing this blog without letting many people know that it even exists. If I told you how much hate I felt from being in high school you would never believe me. Why? because every time I entered that school I had an instant smile on my face, whether I wanted to or not. Yeah, it was usually a lie, and it hurt like none other some days, but to be completely honest, I wouldn't want it any different than it was. Yeah, high school was some of the worst years of my life, but you know what? It was also some of my most triumphant, joyous, glorious, and wonderful times as well. I know, that makes no sense, but hang in there and let me explain. When you enter high school it's a giant leap of faith, especially when you're me. You have no clue what to expect, you don't know who is your friend, and you don't know how to act. And to be completely honest, not a single one of those wasn't answered while I was in high school. I always hoped I would fit in, have someone to talk to, hang, and someone to hang around whenever we wanted to do something. This, however, never happened; at least not in my high school. I was the behind the scenes person, the backbone, the "mother" (although i hated the boys calling me that), and the person who was willing to talk to anyone in any need, at any time. But when you have a faith instilled in you that you have known since birth, it's hard to fit in with anyone. I saw EVERY side of every person in my high school from my freshman year, if not junior high, to my graduating day and beyond. I learned so much from each of these people and I can't say I hate them for it. I learned what I didn't want to be like, and I learned how to love people regardless of how someone has or is treating me.

While I never exactly made friend in MY high school because of my high standards for a friendship probably, I did make friends outside of it. I have some of THE most loving friends ever outside of those school halls. They have taught me how to trust, appreciate what I have, love someone because of who they truly are, and most importantly they have taught me how to love them because they love me for who I am.. .not for what I can do for them, and not because I can help them on a homework assignment, they look past what everyone else thinks, and they love me. I didn't know what it was like to have someone love me as a friend rather than a family member. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.

Now, I know I started out talking about boys and ended talking about friends, but really... what's the difference? They're both relationships. They both mean something to me. They're both something I struggle with. I don't hate the fact that I got "ditched" whatsoever. In fact, I believe God was telling me something. Dealing with mixed emotion and confusion got the best of me and I let it take away from my time with my near and dear friends. (which I will still apologize to my two friends for after I finish writing this) It cleared my thoughts, and I now know it's just not something (someone) I need to be striving for... And I'm ok with that. It hurt of course, but hey.. that's life sometimes. Maybe it would hurt less if I genuinely let God take this area under control rather than trying to control it myself every time I start wishing and hoping.

Take care my friends, I love you dearly... but even more importantly: God does. <3

Live Boldy. You ARE His.

When I was a little girl, and sometimes even to this day I struggle with the fact that I don't fit in and I AM different from everyone around me. It's often extremely difficult on me to sit at home and watch, or think, of all these people that I call my friends go out and spend time together, have fun, laugh, talk, and just enjoy each others' company every weekend while I on the other hand have spent every weekend known to man except a small number which I could probably count on two maybe even one hand at home by myself in self pity.

Recently however I have been getting a lot of convicting thoughts and reminders from God about all indulging in self-pity. I know I shouldn't think thoughts that hurt myself or are hateful toward myself, but it is SO hard sometimes and I just get trapped in the thoughts and they continue to drag me down deeper and deeper. Yeah, I live in a Christian community, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fit in.  When I was a young girl I ran across this poem/letter in our house at one point. When I first saw it I kind of blew it off and didn't bother reading it, but a few months later I found it again and it made me cry like I had never cried before.

I know you want to be accepted by others, but you
were not made to fit in. You, My princess, were created
to stand out. Not to draw attention to yourself,
but to live the kind of life that leads others to Me.
Remember, it’s your choices that will pave your path
to life. I will not force you to do anything. I have given
you a free will to walk with Me or to walk away from
Me. I want you to know that you can put on your
crown at any time and let people know that you
belong to Me. You have a royal call on your life. I want
you to remember you wear the crown of everlasting
life, and through you I will do abundantly more than
you would ever dare to dream.
Love,
Your King and Crown Giver

This letter comes from a book by Sheri Rose Sheperd called His Princess: Love Letters from Your King. It truly is amazing how some things can just hit a chord at just the right time in your life. (Thanks to the Big Guy of course)

Again, I do live in a small community where Christianity is what everyone does, but sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. I feel like we're stuck in a rut where we are and we aren't willing to move forward. I want so badly to move forward in my relationship with Christ but it IS hard. I know part of it is my own fault, but I also believe part of it is from this community. I have said it so many times before, but I do believe Satan has quite the hold on this community even if it doesn't look like it all the time. I can feel it so heavily sometimes that it is paralyzing. It's scary. It's downright depressing. I fight until my heart is broken and worn out to try and get others to strive for Christ every day even more than they do already. We are complacent anymore about where we stand as Christians because we live in fear of being politically correct or of being condemned ourselves by those around us.

Really, the fact of the matter is, we all live in fear of pointing out that someone else is sinning and hating us for it. I believe that the word judge that we use so often in our daily lives has been distorted. We are not to judge someone, but how is telling a brother that they are sinning judging them? We ARE told to point out a brother's sin aren't we? If we don't aren't we just allowing them to fall even farther away from God? God tells us to point a sin out to brother and if they hate you for it you are to bring two more people with you to point it out. If they still do not listen you are to let the matter go.

WHY DON'T WE DO THIS DEED GOD HAS CALLED US TO DO?!

We are to help lead one another to Christ in a loving manner. If that requires standing out so be it! Be BOLD in Christ. Yes, you may lose some friends in the process, but we are reminded that why should we gain the whole world just to lose our very soul? You can count it all as loss. If you lose a friend because you are following Christ and seeking to become more like Him and you desire with all your heart to serve Him.... maybe they weren't the kind of person you should have been letting invest in your life. I don't say that to be mean, but out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. It's the truth.

So dare to be bold in Christ, you'll lose friends, gain enemies, and find even greater allies along the way. But most importantly, you will find the ONE thing that matters most in life....God. It won't be easy, and it will have trials along the way. But I always try to remember this: If Jesus Christ endured the pain of dieing on the cross and I added to that pain why am I complaining? He felt the hurt of every single one of my sins, your sins, and the world's sins. I'm feeling short lived pain that will pass in a mere matter of moments to God. If I love God as much as Jesus Christ loves us and His father and was willing to give up His life for me, I can go through this momentary pain. I may not like it all the time, and yes it DOES hurt, but I have THE GREATEST GIFT I CAN EVER RECEIVE WAITING FOR ME after this is all over. And I can't wait until that day.

So how about you, are you ready to be BOLD and stand up for Christ?!

Is It Me Or Are Things Changing?

I 'm not one to open up about myself to people unless I have hit a major low point in my life and just can't bear things on my own anymore. I will admit in fact, that this is a HUGE weakness and downfall of mine.
After going on this last mission trip I have realized how out of touch with myself and God I really have become. I used to be one of the most happy and enthusiastic people around, and now I'm only that way when I feel everything in my life is going "right." Now, I had intentions of where this post was supposed to go, but I'm not so sure that's where it's supposed to go anymore.... So here we go.
I have been through quite a bit my high school career and it has truly worn me out. Now, I can say that it is partially my fault, but then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing. As I read the verses James 1:2-4 for our devotion this mission trip I was suddenly overcome with emotion because I realized how out of proportion I have been looking at my life. I can honestly say I have never felt God rush over me in such a way before. When I look back at my life and see what I've been through it really was, and is, very difficult for me to handle, but others don't always see why I feel I have had a rough time with it. Of course we all have different trials we face in our life times, but that happens for a reason. As one of our leaders on the trip said.... we face different situations so we can relate to people. When we become transparent and share our lives with others they see they aren't the only one going through a situation. When there is common ground, it's easier to pull people to Christ..... So yeah, I've been through some tough times, and I have let though hard times hold me back.
I don't want them to hold me back, and I don't want it to hold me back from others, but I am letting it. I would love to say I'm the strong Christian that everyone believes I am, and I really hope I'm on my way there (don't get me wrong), but at this point in my life I'm not. I'm broken, beaten, battered, and scarred; I've said things I shouldn't have, seen things that can never be unseen, broken hearts I can never mend, thought things that can never be unthought, had my heart broken on my own accord, destroyed friendships for no reason at all, and so much more. I have allowed myself to become numb... Not on purpose, but because I didn't know how else to handle things. My heart longs so much to show compassion and love for others, but people make that SO hard for me. I long for friendship and people brush me off as if I've been dust sitting on shelf they just found.  My heart knows very little love from those my age, but it sure knows disrespect, hate, and just sheer rudeness. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE having friends even if they are 10 or more years older than me, but that doesn't mean I should be out of my peer group. With such strong convictions that I hold, I know I will always, inevitably, be hated or unwanted by many of my peers, and as hard as this is for me to say, "I'm ok with that."
Now many people probably wonder how I can be ok with people hating me. And I don't mean to sound "churchy" but it's who I am; if I receive the treatment I do simply for following Jesus and loving him then I can live with it. Jesus faced even worse treatment, I shouldn't be complaining. I will however be turning to God more often than I usually do. I mean, He knows what's going on, but I rarely remember to tell Him about it. Yeah, He knows, but I need to remember how frail I am and how powerful He is. He allowed the hardship to come and knows how to control it. So why am I not taking the free ticket for help?.... That's a very good question. And I think I know the answer: PRIDE.

I feel like I have rambled in this post, but to be completely honest..... I think that's ok for once...

Learning to Love Myself

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with not having a date to prom, never having dated a guy, and not having many friends NEAR me that I can truly count on. I know i shouldn't let it bother me... I'm only a teenager and I'll make better friends and its kind of pointless to date in high school anyway, but sometimes it just hurts.

I know I'm called to love people like Jesus and regardless of how they have treated me I am to turn the other cheek and continue to love them. As some people say, kill enemies with kindness. I have a hard time thinking of how much love I truly can give to these people who have never been nice to me unless they are to benefit in some way. I know this is titled learning to love myself, but i want to bring up some other things as well.
These last couple of days have been as my youth pastor would label "my living hell" and truly, it is... I have begun to live in the life that i hate so much. My friends are being mean, I can't be myself without being yelled at, and I just don't feel like I'm even wanted in my school anymore. And sure, there are a couple of people who will talk to me on a regular basis, but how many of them truly know me and would be there if i needed the help? One of my very best friends lives an hour away and i rarely see her. Next year she will go off to college and i will be in the same place i was after one of my other best friends left for college also. I will be even more to myself and no more happy with my life than i am when someone dies. I have tried to be excited for my friend, positive about the way God is moving her forward, and be excited about where my life will go next, but I don't know how much longer I can be strong.
These last 5 or so days have been some of the hardest days I have had since freshman year. I feel like I am losing my friends and I feel like i am just the nuisance in their lives. I know I shouldn't feel this way but it has been so long since I have done anything with anyone that I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be the person Christ has called me to be and be able to spend time with people. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.
I know I have a loving father and brother, but I'm beginning to miss them. I don't know the last time I hugged either of my parents to be truthful. I don't know the last time my dad told me he loved me. I don't know the last time I had a conversation with my brother where I felt like an equal. Yeah, I know i haven't really brought my mom into this, but to be honest, we don't hardly see eye to eye anymore. I know she loves me, and I know she cares about me, but I just can't get myself to want to be closer to her anymore... maybe someday I will, but at this point in my life I just don't think I can.
My dad has always been the person I look up to and the person I get along with most in the family, but how do I talk to my dad when he is never around, and without it seeming weird. I just gave up trying on that one. So maybe I'll talk to my brother, but I don't even know him hardly anymore. Grow up this, you'll be OK that. That's not what I want to hear. I want to just talk, as equals, for a change. Like we used to.
I have tried to be more social and I've tried to be more involved, but people just make me feel like an outcast anymore so I have decided, "Why do I even try?"
I know I'm not a bad person or anything, but sometimes I wonder why I have dealt with some of these things with all the niceness I have tried to convey. I have always considered the word JOY as I learned it a long time ago. Jesus, Others, and then You, the secret for a joyful attitude. As much as I try to do these things, I'm not so joyful anymore. I love helping others, and I love God dearly, but things are falling apart lately. I don't know the last time I didn't get "yelled" at in school anymore. I can't go to school and be a happy person anymore. School is turning into another one of my "living hell"s. And I don't like it.
All these crazy things happening has made me really think lately, but it has also made me hurt a lot too. When was the last time I loved myself for who I truly am, when is the last time i helped someone joyfully or because I wanted to, when was the last time I was truly happy with what I was doing?
And I can't honestly answer any of those questions... simply because I don't know anymore.

How can I love others and expect them to love me back, when I can't even love myself..........


I actually wrote this last year around this time, but I honestly don't know why I didn't post it.