I'm sure you're wondering why I mention all of this when it comes to getting through a broken heart. Well stick with me.
In this time I partook in at least 6 different sex and dating lessons
that were taught for both the junior high and high school groups.
While I believe they were well-intentioned discussions, they lost their
effect on me in explaining how to properly address a relationship when
it would occur, as well as how painful certain mistakes would be to make
that would shake anyone who has a heart for Christ (probably any person
with emotions, truly) to the very core of their being.
I so wish there were a way to better teach and explain the pain that
comes from not holding these ideas to be the best for our lives.
If at some point the Spirit reveals to me a way to minister in this
area, I will definitely jump on it, but that time has not yet come where
I feel I can clearly and effectively convey those lessons to those that
need to hear it.
No one explains any of the following:
In all of these things you don't think specifically of how you could be growing or hurting yourself.
Thankfully I knew my heart would need protecting in the time that I
felt the most weak and wouldn't be able to prevent myself from breaking
God's heart with my actions. I prayed God would protect my heart from
any of my poor decisions I would make in those moments (which He has
graciously done). But I look at this
experience and I had the hardest time understanding why after all of my
patient waiting and praying why God would allow such pain to pass over
me. Then one day when I felt my worst I had
this stillness come over me... Not out of being ok with where I was at,
but from hearing God's voice. He spoke to my heart. The pain of unrequited love is a heavy weight to bear even if the relationship only lasted 6 months.
The pain I felt from this experience was nothing compared to the amount
of unrequited love God receives every second of every day.
The pain I felt of the war between my flesh and my spirit was nothing
compared to how much pain God could experience at any point in time as a
result of any number of his children not acknowledging the love He
shares with them.
 In experiencing a broken heart of this nature I looked everywhere for answers. The internet, my friends, prayers, everything I could possibly think of to help me understand how I messed up so much. I can't regret any of my past. If I did I wouldn't be forgiving myself and I wouldn't be accepting forgiveness from my Father. That was my biggest hurdle in figuring out how to find my new normal. I would forgive one portion of what had happened and then come back a few days later and still be caught up in it. I was grieving. Not just a small "boohoo" kind of grieving but a spirit-moaning deep genuine mourning for what I had experienced.
My heart felt like it had an anaconda gripping it for weeks on end, my
body ached as though I was experiencing the flu tenfold and it was
never going to end. My eyes felt as though
they had been pumped full of fluids and then glass had been placed under
my eyelids to scrape my eyeballs. I had never in my life experienced something so horrible in my life.
Even when I felt I wanted my life to end many years ago, nothing could
ever compare to the core-shattering pain I felt with this breakup. I awoke everyday praying for a hardening and understanding in my heart.
In asking this I found the book "Is God Saying He's the One?" by Susan Rohrer. While I don't think this got me over the heart issues fully, I do believe it helped bring me understanding of what happened.
The biggest and most helpful thing I gained from reading this book
would have to be the fact that free will is just that... Free will. My free will is never forced, just as in the same way the person I may be interested in is never forced in his free will.
No matter how much my idea lines up with God's desires, if the other
person does not have the same belief He will not force it just because I
beg Him to do so. That would lead to a bad
situation all around in the long run when you truly consider the
consequences of trying to force love on someone.
The 2nd most helpful thing from this book had to be the grieving process that was addressed.
Look for part 2 here.
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Thursday, April 21, 2016
Healing a Broken Heart (part 1)
A broken heart is a terrible, and I mean TERRIBLE, thing to experience. However, to be honest it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me when I look at it from a spiritual standpoint.
Some of what I say in this post will not be what most people will want
to hear, but the process of making it through the grieving and
spirit-breaking that I experienced have shaped me into who I am now. So, bear with me as I share with you my grueling and painful experience, and the lessons I have learned.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Oddly Empty, But Not of Christ
Do you ever have times where you just feel "off your game"? Well I'm feeling it tonight strangely. Honestly, I kind of feel like crawling in bed, reading a book, crying, drinking tea until I can't drink any more, and then just staying there for weeks on end. And as annoying as these feelings can be sometimes, I know that it is something that I have, and continue to overcome each time it begins to set on. While I'm sure a large majority of this is coming from hormone levels and being tired from various things, it got me to thinking about how it this is a perfect example of needing God to fill you up, especially when the things of this world can make you feel so empty (for no reason) sometimes.
I know that I am happier and more content with where I am in my life now and in my relationship with Christ than I was a mere month and a half ago. Things aren't going badly, in fact, I've really been enjoying my schedule (even though it looks like it will be getting pretty hectic within the next month already). Me feeling empty and a little displaced has nothing to do with the things I have.... actually, it does if you think about it... It helps to see that regardless of how well life can be going, and the things that you have in your life, you can still feel lost if you don't feel at one with Christ.
The last time I wrote one of my longer posts I mentioned that I did not understand how Christ can fill my emptiness. But today, I can completely understand it. Not because I truly understand how someone I've never met face-to-face die to take my place out of love for me, but because I have been able to experience God's grace in my life. To understand God, you have to understand His grace that He covers us with. We should ask for his forgiveness not expecting a certain amount of grace to be poured out of a supply that is simply for each individual that we think will eventually run out. No, grace ABOUNDS to cover our sins against God.
I always knew that God covered us in grace, but it never really struck me as something "that" important to experience. In fact, I could tell others time and again, when they were struggling with forgiving themselves for a sin in their life that they need to ask for God's grace because He loves them unconditionally, but I never believed it myself and accepted the grace in my life. Beth Moore mentioned, from the Ragamuffin Gospel that we tell others about grace like handing out brochures to places we have never been before because many of us talk about grace, but we have never experienced grace ourselves. That statement really hit home with me.... It's true, how can we tell someone about something we haven't done/experienced in our lives? It's nearly impossible! At least to talk about it in a way that is meaningful that is!
Accepting grace and asking for grace are two very different things. We can ask without receiving, but you can't receive without asking either. So remember to both ask AND receive God's grace!
I know that I am happier and more content with where I am in my life now and in my relationship with Christ than I was a mere month and a half ago. Things aren't going badly, in fact, I've really been enjoying my schedule (even though it looks like it will be getting pretty hectic within the next month already). Me feeling empty and a little displaced has nothing to do with the things I have.... actually, it does if you think about it... It helps to see that regardless of how well life can be going, and the things that you have in your life, you can still feel lost if you don't feel at one with Christ.
The last time I wrote one of my longer posts I mentioned that I did not understand how Christ can fill my emptiness. But today, I can completely understand it. Not because I truly understand how someone I've never met face-to-face die to take my place out of love for me, but because I have been able to experience God's grace in my life. To understand God, you have to understand His grace that He covers us with. We should ask for his forgiveness not expecting a certain amount of grace to be poured out of a supply that is simply for each individual that we think will eventually run out. No, grace ABOUNDS to cover our sins against God.
I always knew that God covered us in grace, but it never really struck me as something "that" important to experience. In fact, I could tell others time and again, when they were struggling with forgiving themselves for a sin in their life that they need to ask for God's grace because He loves them unconditionally, but I never believed it myself and accepted the grace in my life. Beth Moore mentioned, from the Ragamuffin Gospel that we tell others about grace like handing out brochures to places we have never been before because many of us talk about grace, but we have never experienced grace ourselves. That statement really hit home with me.... It's true, how can we tell someone about something we haven't done/experienced in our lives? It's nearly impossible! At least to talk about it in a way that is meaningful that is!
Accepting grace and asking for grace are two very different things. We can ask without receiving, but you can't receive without asking either. So remember to both ask AND receive God's grace!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Love Others!
Well, I continue to be sidetracked and not doing as much homework as I probably should be doing right now. It's insane for me to look at my schedule and know that I have so many exams before my Fall Break here in a few weeks and then so many writing assignments to complete after as well. I'm dong my best to keep a level head and remember that I can do this all with the strength of my Father. This post, however, is not about feeling swamped as of recent and needing to take more time for myself and alone time with God (although I do need to balance that better throughout the week so I don't feel this way every weekend!)
No, today I'm posting because I have had Luke 6:27-36 stuck in my head ALL week from reading my small group Bible study chapters. I will also post a "Messy Mondays" video by BlimeyCow that goes along with this (yes, they do like sarcasm!)
We often ask why we would need to do such a thing, but in the chapter before: Luke 5:27-32, we have been told good reason why!
The truth that just radiates from these verses!!!!! I don't believe there was any ounce of pity or condemnation in these statements that Christ made either. In fact, I believe it was true compassion, love, and desire for others to know the greatest that abounds in following! This does not place us above others by any means. We humble ourselves and love others not out of condemnation or pity, but out of love and heartache. I know my heart aches for those around me that I know who do not know the full glory and wonder that is my God and Father! I pray for others to see His light in me and the greatness He offers us, and I pray to be a catalyst where He wants me to be. I know I don't always do what God asks me to do, but it's a work in progress.
Our speaker at Christian Challenge this week gave us a challenge before we left:
No, today I'm posting because I have had Luke 6:27-36 stuck in my head ALL week from reading my small group Bible study chapters. I will also post a "Messy Mondays" video by BlimeyCow that goes along with this (yes, they do like sarcasm!)
This is such a wonderful passage to implement into our lives! It's a difficult thing to do some of the time!!!! But it is such a wonderful way to trust our Father and practice being like Christ. He spent time with believers and non-believers (all of whom were sinners, of course) alike! Not only that, but He showed them genuine love!
27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful."
We often ask why we would need to do such a thing, but in the chapter before: Luke 5:27-32, we have been told good reason why!
27 After this he went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth. And he said to him, “Follow me.” 28 And leaving everything, he rose and followed him.
29 And Levi made him a great feast in his house, and there was a large company of tax collectors and others reclining at table with them. 30 And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” 31 And Jesus answered them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 32 I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.”
The truth that just radiates from these verses!!!!! I don't believe there was any ounce of pity or condemnation in these statements that Christ made either. In fact, I believe it was true compassion, love, and desire for others to know the greatest that abounds in following! This does not place us above others by any means. We humble ourselves and love others not out of condemnation or pity, but out of love and heartache. I know my heart aches for those around me that I know who do not know the full glory and wonder that is my God and Father! I pray for others to see His light in me and the greatness He offers us, and I pray to be a catalyst where He wants me to be. I know I don't always do what God asks me to do, but it's a work in progress.Our speaker at Christian Challenge this week gave us a challenge before we left:
1. ReadWe are to read God's word and be in The Word, pray to see where God is working around us, and say "yes, Lord" to whatever He is asking of us. So simple, but so effective! We have such a great opportunity to share Him with others. Be joyful in Him and His promise, permeate this joy in our lives, and let others see Him in us!!!
2. Pray
3. Say Yes!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
My Passion & Where Should I Go?
Well, honestly, right now I should be working on homework or
something that is productive so I won’t have nearly as much to cram into the
next few days in very small amounts of time. But I have been sidetracked by
many things all of a sudden of which I find to be more pressing and of a
concern to me at the moment. I went from deciding what I would like to make for
supper, to making a wall organizer for my classes because I feel I’m not
organized correctly for how my brain has been functioning as of recent, and now
I am writing this post you are reading. But why is this post so pressing all of
a sudden that I’m not working on homework that I so desperately need to do, you
ask? Well… let us embark that mystery.
As the majority of my friends know, today is National
Suicide Prevention Day, and week as well I learned several minutes ago. Today
strikes a personal nerve of mine and I am completely decked out in my TWLOHA
garb, and wearing yellow underneath said “garb.” Now, I do realize, however,
that me wearing the colors to recognize the cause and supporting the TWLOHA
movement by either purchasing their products or donating to them, or even
writing the word “love” on my arm DO NOT, in fact, prevent anyone from going
through depression, having suicidal thoughts, self-harming, or anything of the
sort. In fact, me wearing this all does absolutely nothing other than show that
I took time out of my day to make a few clicks on the website and purchase
their products and then I decided to wear these said products to show I support
the cause.
I realize the money does go toward them working in their
area of passion, but I was hit with a thought today that regardless of me
wearing these things, I’m not actually doing anything to help others who may be
struggling with any of these difficulties. In fact, I’ve been far more focused
on my OWN issues as of late that I haven’t even seen the friends around me that
have been having a rough couple of days or months, or even years, of their own.
This brings me to another thought that I have had as of recent: I am a business
student because I would someday like to start my own bakery and share my love
of sweets and the joy that food can bring to people and the togetherness that
can be found, but I’m not passionate about the actual business major. We keep
discussing how we should answer questions of why we are getting a degree in
what we are, why we are passionate about it, and how it can help the businesses
we are going to be working for. Honestly, I can’t answer that I have a passion
for business, or have a good answer to why I am even seeking a degree in
business, or even tell someone that is interviewing me why I would be a good
addition to their team because I want to help build their business to the best
it can be.
No, I have a genuine love for people. I want to help people,
I want to love people, I want to support people, and I want to give people the
opportunity to find the greatness within themselves so they can in turn love themselves
and see what they have to offer. I don’t want to help a business become a big
name or even a big financial success, I want an opportunity to give others a
benefit of the doubt, and see them for who they truly are where others may shut
them out when they hear a small snippet of their past or even current life.
So where can I go from here, what can I do that will
encompass my love for people, and what is it that I can do with my life to make
a difference? Yes, I have struggled with many things in my past, but I have
recently decided to change things and how I view things, and I want to change
it. I have such a great opportunity to have a voice for others who may be going
through worse things than me, and I have an opportunity to love people who may
not know what it is like to be loved for who they are; every trouble,
heartache, worry, and problem they have ever had. They are all beautiful to me.
Now I know I sound sappy as I’m writing this, but I seem to be going through a
huge time in my life of change, acceptance, moving forward, and many many other
aspects in my life…. It’s wild, it’s chaotic, it’s a mess, but it’s what I
asked for. I have literally prayed to my Heavenly Father, “Lord, I want to be
so busy I can’t think about things that are going on in my life. I want to be
so busy I am exhausted and feel like I have done something by the end of the
day. I want to be so busy that I don’t have all the time to sit and do nothing.”
I have gotten what I asked for, and I still find time to fill even when I think
I’m so busy I don’t have the time to waste. It’s amazing to say the least. My
Father has taken my request to keep me busy and it has been fulfilled, but He
has also provided much time in which to fill with these activities I do. I
rejoice in this! I can’t believe that I want to be busy, but I enjoy it. I don’t
enjoy having to motivate myself to actually do things, but nonetheless, I am
joyful.
I’m working on getting closer to my Father than I have been
recently, and in doing so I am seeing all the things around me I had been
missing previously because I was taking it for granted and focusing on me. So
today I continue to ask myself: Where do I want to be in my life, who do I want
to share my passion with, and how can I do this all? And I ask you the same:
Are you seeking your passion from God or your own passion, and is it what you
should be doing?
Monday, August 19, 2013
Single. By Choice? & Adjusting Once Again
Over the years I have been truly intrigued by the commentary others offer on my love life.. or lack thereof i suppose. It's not that it's a bad response, or comment, or anything, but it's kind of interesting nonetheless. The most common response I receive is "You've NEVER dated/had a boyfriend?! That's impossible!" And while this isn't really rude in any way if you think about it, it's actually double sided... It's almost like criticism disguised as a compliment. I can see it from several different ways; 1. You are an attractive and nice enough of a girl to have to dated someone by this point in your life, or 2. You should be out dating because it's what everyone does, or 3. You seem like a girl that would have dated several guys in her life. I'm sure most people don't mean it in a negative way or in an offensive way, and if they do I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But this also brings me to my next point.
"Well, it has been your own doing." I am so sick and tired of hearing this. I have been asked out a total of two times in my life in a way that I would actually consider being asked out. The first was a guy I met shortly before I had a wreck and I basically led him as a result of needing someone to talk to and help me cope with my feelings and emotions after my wreck. We lived an hour away from each other and I told him to ask me out because I was frustrated. I was asked out through text and I also "broke up" with him through a text. The kid was way too into me for barely even knowing me, and after a week of "dating" I realized I really didn't like the guy and I was just being selfish. And while he did get very angry at me, he is currently engaged and soon to be married to a girl younger than me and is saying much of what he said to me to her now, so that was a good reason to have ended up saying no. The second guy I turned down happened to be a friend from high school that I kind of figured liked me, but I didn't want to bring it up. Well one day he told me he liked me and would like to have a relationship, but I wasn't at a point in my life to date and I really didn't want to ruin our friendship. He is now happily married, has cut off ties with the outside world basically, and is now expecting his first child. Now yes, I've had many boys interested in me over the years, but it seems like when a guy tells you he is interested in you because you are crazy attractive to him it's just a huge turn-off because it feels like it's for all the wrong reasons.
I don't want to sound conceited with this post, I just want to get things off my chest and to clear my head... it has been so long since I've written and it is much needed. But honestly, I've never considered myself that attractive to the opposite sex. And I've never had to worry about it living in a small town. Now that I have entered college it's become very weird that I've started to see that the opposite sex does find me attractive, but I would rather not know this. It's repulsing to be in the cafeteria, in sweatpants even, and you can see guys looking at your butt. I'm not one to dress provocatively or show off everything I own... trust me, I'm in jeans/shorts and a t-shirt most days, so when I do decide I want to dress in nice clothes it's a battle between wanting to look nice for myself and deciding if it's worth having guys stare at me like I am a piece of meat, even when I'm dressed modestly.
But back to the relationship bit, I may choose to be single in certain ways, but really, I just haven't been asked by a guy who I feel will treat me right. This may leave me single for many years to come... well... so be it. Honestly though, I really do want a relationship with someone. I don't go around to guys saying, "no" just because I want to be single and I want them to know it. Trust me, if I could do the exact opposite I would. I want a relationship with all that I am, but I don't want to come across as desperate, and I don't want to rush into a relationship that isn't going to work or shouldn't happen altogether.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being single for as long as I have been. I just wish people would think about their response before they respond to hearing this about me. "There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, you're probably better off." Has been a comment from a few people in my life that has helped me to stay on the positive end of the original comment. Most days I don't mind not being in a relationship just because it's how I've always lived so I don't really know any different. But as of this Summer and getting back to school I have been having a harder time accepting this fact. I would say this is mainly due to the fact that I am now off campus and in a place of my own. I absolutely love that I feel more relaxed and happy about going to school, but I'm really having a difficult time not being able to see friends like I did last year. I could have probably survived the dorms if I had decided to stick with them this year, but I wouldn't have had roommates that I know either as all the girls got their rooming arrangements decided long ago so I just set my heart on getting off campus.
I spent two weeks by myself here at the house, and on top of that, being secluded to such a small number of people at home has really started to take its toll. The timing of everything is terrible. First coming to college I legitimately could not handle the large amounts of people around me, but by the time the school year was over I was beginning to be more comfortable and enjoy the company of people being around me. However, this happened as I had to head home to work on the farm and do homework and see very few people outside of my family. So, I headed back to school with high hopes and excitement that I would be able to see people again. Unfortunately, I see as many friends now as I did this summer. I could go visit the girls more often, but I already feel like a nuisance coming over all the time. I don't live in the dorm, and I don't want to overstay my welcome. I'm out of the way for them to visit me, so I don't want to push having people come over. But I just want to be around my friends more often. I can't change this. I live where I do and they live where they do. I made the decision and I can't undo it now. So I'm here at the house again trying to stay positive as best I can, but it hasn't been working very well.... I'm hoping things will get better as the year goes on and also as I start my job this week. If anything is a blessing for me being off campus it would have to be me getting a job...
I don't really know how to end this post as it is more of a "I just need to get some things out" post, but I will attempt.... Ah, who am I kidding? I've been at a loss for words lately... So may your day be blessed and your year be great. Lot of love from this girl.
"Well, it has been your own doing." I am so sick and tired of hearing this. I have been asked out a total of two times in my life in a way that I would actually consider being asked out. The first was a guy I met shortly before I had a wreck and I basically led him as a result of needing someone to talk to and help me cope with my feelings and emotions after my wreck. We lived an hour away from each other and I told him to ask me out because I was frustrated. I was asked out through text and I also "broke up" with him through a text. The kid was way too into me for barely even knowing me, and after a week of "dating" I realized I really didn't like the guy and I was just being selfish. And while he did get very angry at me, he is currently engaged and soon to be married to a girl younger than me and is saying much of what he said to me to her now, so that was a good reason to have ended up saying no. The second guy I turned down happened to be a friend from high school that I kind of figured liked me, but I didn't want to bring it up. Well one day he told me he liked me and would like to have a relationship, but I wasn't at a point in my life to date and I really didn't want to ruin our friendship. He is now happily married, has cut off ties with the outside world basically, and is now expecting his first child. Now yes, I've had many boys interested in me over the years, but it seems like when a guy tells you he is interested in you because you are crazy attractive to him it's just a huge turn-off because it feels like it's for all the wrong reasons.
I don't want to sound conceited with this post, I just want to get things off my chest and to clear my head... it has been so long since I've written and it is much needed. But honestly, I've never considered myself that attractive to the opposite sex. And I've never had to worry about it living in a small town. Now that I have entered college it's become very weird that I've started to see that the opposite sex does find me attractive, but I would rather not know this. It's repulsing to be in the cafeteria, in sweatpants even, and you can see guys looking at your butt. I'm not one to dress provocatively or show off everything I own... trust me, I'm in jeans/shorts and a t-shirt most days, so when I do decide I want to dress in nice clothes it's a battle between wanting to look nice for myself and deciding if it's worth having guys stare at me like I am a piece of meat, even when I'm dressed modestly.
But back to the relationship bit, I may choose to be single in certain ways, but really, I just haven't been asked by a guy who I feel will treat me right. This may leave me single for many years to come... well... so be it. Honestly though, I really do want a relationship with someone. I don't go around to guys saying, "no" just because I want to be single and I want them to know it. Trust me, if I could do the exact opposite I would. I want a relationship with all that I am, but I don't want to come across as desperate, and I don't want to rush into a relationship that isn't going to work or shouldn't happen altogether.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being single for as long as I have been. I just wish people would think about their response before they respond to hearing this about me. "There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, you're probably better off." Has been a comment from a few people in my life that has helped me to stay on the positive end of the original comment. Most days I don't mind not being in a relationship just because it's how I've always lived so I don't really know any different. But as of this Summer and getting back to school I have been having a harder time accepting this fact. I would say this is mainly due to the fact that I am now off campus and in a place of my own. I absolutely love that I feel more relaxed and happy about going to school, but I'm really having a difficult time not being able to see friends like I did last year. I could have probably survived the dorms if I had decided to stick with them this year, but I wouldn't have had roommates that I know either as all the girls got their rooming arrangements decided long ago so I just set my heart on getting off campus.
I spent two weeks by myself here at the house, and on top of that, being secluded to such a small number of people at home has really started to take its toll. The timing of everything is terrible. First coming to college I legitimately could not handle the large amounts of people around me, but by the time the school year was over I was beginning to be more comfortable and enjoy the company of people being around me. However, this happened as I had to head home to work on the farm and do homework and see very few people outside of my family. So, I headed back to school with high hopes and excitement that I would be able to see people again. Unfortunately, I see as many friends now as I did this summer. I could go visit the girls more often, but I already feel like a nuisance coming over all the time. I don't live in the dorm, and I don't want to overstay my welcome. I'm out of the way for them to visit me, so I don't want to push having people come over. But I just want to be around my friends more often. I can't change this. I live where I do and they live where they do. I made the decision and I can't undo it now. So I'm here at the house again trying to stay positive as best I can, but it hasn't been working very well.... I'm hoping things will get better as the year goes on and also as I start my job this week. If anything is a blessing for me being off campus it would have to be me getting a job...
I don't really know how to end this post as it is more of a "I just need to get some things out" post, but I will attempt.... Ah, who am I kidding? I've been at a loss for words lately... So may your day be blessed and your year be great. Lot of love from this girl.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
This Is Me... Well, Part of Me Anyway
For those of you that know me, and I mean TRULY know me, you know that I am a dreamer, a thinker, a doer, a lover, a worrier, a hopeless romantic, an ever faithful friend and confidante, and a never-ending giver. While many of these aspects of my life are positive qualities to have, some of them are qualities that both give and take away from who I am. Mainly in the fact that I use them against myself. I have never once in my life I don't think gone a minute without contemplating some complex or simple thought WAY too much. And while I do love the fact that I have been blessed with the ability to think things through quickly, effectively, and efficiently when it is needed, it's also a nuisance. With the arrival of summer has come the ever present problem of TOO much time to think. My brain, while filled with many important and silly things, also has a way of telling me lies and stupid things that make my life miserable.With all of the interesting experiences I have had in my life, and my share of being treated terribly by others for quite some time constantly wears on me.
I can still remember plain as day putting myself in situations where people just wanted to tease me to no end, get a response out of me, or beat me down to make themselves feel better. I constantly came back to these situations looking for the love and friendship I felt I so deserved. I was a child. Yes, my parents and my brother loved me, but I wanted to know that someone who didn't "have" to have unconditional love for me could love me for who I was/am. As the years went on and I continued to be told I was annoying, stupid, loud, obnoxious, and people just couldn't put a positive image to me, I started to believe it. I WAS loud, obnoxious, annoying, and stupid. So, I did what I knew best... to withdraw. I stopped responding to people trying to get a rise out of me. I stopped having fun when my "friends" around me were and I stopped trying to show people who I was. I didn't know how to connect with people because all I'd been shown by those outside my family was how to be mean and hate myself. I tried finding people to talk to as things got worse, but as soon as I started to get close to someone they would up and leave or find someone else to be friends with. I tried to turn to sports and running to get my mind off of things. That lasted until my eighth grade year when I started "maturing" and running became more of a difficulty than an enjoyment. I sought new ways to fill my need to fit in, but nothing worked. I constantly felt empty and alone. I'd find something that helped for a couple of days, weeks, or months, but then my old reminders of how everyone viewed me constantly came back and I was right back where I was before.
Now yes, I know, all of my friends and those that support me in my walk with Christ constantly say to turn to Christ because He is the only one that can fill that space and make you feel like you're worth something. In all honesty though, I still have no clue how that is possible. I have to be completely honest with this all. I've given my life to Christ, and I've worked on a relationship with him, but I've hit a standstill and even a backslide... I know I shouldn't believe all the words that have been said to me, because my Father says none of that is true, but because of my brain and its need to think constantly, I can't get rid of those words. I want to, so badly. I've made strides and jumps in my own self view, but I still can't imagine someone loving me for who I am; all the craziness, weirdness, stupidness, irrationalness, depressedness, my scarred image of what a relationship should look like and the belief that I'm never supposed to have one of my own, the fact that I don't believe I have enough to offer a man who would ever come into my life and even be the slight bit interested, my ability to tear things I so love apart without even meaning to, to pour all of my hate and anger and resentment of others in my past onto those in my present and ruining the friendships I already have..... I could go on and on. That's the thing though, I COULD, but I know I shouldn't.
I've had a couple of people in my life truly invest in me and desire for the best that I deserve. These people are some of the best friends I have, and we aren't even actually "friendship status." How am I supposed to be friends with someone nearly twice my age? I can't go spend the night at their house, tell them stories of things I'm struggling with at the moment and they can relate because they're in the situation now. I can't call them up and say, "hey! I'm bored, let's hang out and watch a movie or go do something fun!" I mean, yes... I appreciate what they have poured into my life, but it's just not the same as having someone my age that is willing to sit there and uncover every little part of me until they see the weak and broken person I am beneath my rough exterior to hide it all. There are things I have done in life that I haven't told some of my closest friends even (Sorry Daphne and Megan and Mysti, and many others), but I'm too ashamed of them and that I even did such things in my life. I don't know what it's like to have a friend who lives nearby and can go do things with whenever we so please. I grew up going to the farm in the summers, not spending time having fun with friends. I haven't found that college friend that I can tell any and everything regardless of what it is (sorry Daphne and the rest of you girls) or when it is.
But I'm a tough person to get along with.... I place myself (and others) to extremely high standards and I'm usually the one setting myself up for trouble as a result. I know what I have to offer and I know how I think I should be treated by others. But it's just not going to happen. If I expected others to text me first, call me to hang out, share their stories from their day without me having to ask, ask me how I'm doing just because they thought of me one day, call me randomly to cheer me up and make me laugh, wipe tears from my eyes when I can't do anything but sit here in a state of loss for what to do with my life, hold me close when I'm so down that I just can't move, and a long list of things I wish I could experience, I would never in my life find a friend to stay with me and I would never see anyone ever. Now yes, I do wish I could have all of those things in a friend, but I also understand that it's not going to happen most likely.
I still have a hard time letting people be nice to me. I mean honestly? Why is that so hard for me? I know I deserve to be loved and treated well, but I'm so conditioned that it's not going to happen that I push everyone away that wants to do any of those things. My roommate this last school year is such a blessing and sport for putting up with me. I'm pretty sure I put her through Hell and back again before we finally learned how to communicate in a way that was effective. I feel terrible for all of the things I said to her in my times of stress and over-thinking and of desperation to get things solved. But I'm also grateful she was willing to work at the friendship as well to make it a better one than it was initially. Yes, Daphne and I had out tiffs, but I know that she's always going to help me laugh things off when I need it. It's just so difficult to be so far from people when that's all you want to feel better. I don't need to talk, I don't need to do anything... I just want to be in the presence of people.
It's a world of life, love, and other mysteries as the band Point of Grace said many years ago. And it's so true. But it's also a world of confusion, chaos, pain, and annoyances if we let it be. I'm constantly working on forgetting how I've been treated in the past and learning to love myself and believe I deserve to be loved by others not because I deserve to be loved, but because it's ok to be loved. Now, I know I use the word love here a lot, and I don't necessarily mean in an Eros or romantic love as is one form used in the Bible, but I mean in a form of affection (brotherly love) and friendship, Storge and Phileo. Some day I may have the Eros form of love, but right now, I think I need to focus on the friendship and affection. This is tough for me; I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic as I've stated before... but maybe that's why I'm struggling lately. I'm looking for the wrong kind of love. I'm pushing things and it's just making me feel empty when it's not returned in the way I hope for. So between all my confusion that I'm feeling and the trouble that over-thinking has brought with it, I'm doing my best to distract my brain from things that don't need to be worried about.
I DO have friends that love me for who I am (even if they don't show it all the time), I DO have worth to me that might take a little uncovering for someone to see and appreciate, I DO deserve to be loved, it's absolutely ok for others to want to know me and I mean ALL of me even if I'm ashamed of some of it, and I CAN keep a friendship even when I'm not the best friend that I should be. People will come and go that just aren't meant to be in my life. I can't change that. But for those that do stay in my life, I am eternally grateful for the love that is shared and the friendship that is built even when I try to tear it down. I apologize over and over again for the stupid things I have done to my friends, between playing guilt trips when they don't do what I think they should be doing in our friendship to just being a devil's advocate and legitimately TRYING to break up a friendship to see if they'll stay around, leave, or remind me of why we're still friends. I thrive off of words so it's tough to not make others give me complements that I so long for.... So to each of my friends reading this, that know me completely, mostly, and just a little bit; I'm a mess a lot of the times, and I'm doing the best I can most times, but I love you like none other and can never express my thankfulness for you in my life.
I can still remember plain as day putting myself in situations where people just wanted to tease me to no end, get a response out of me, or beat me down to make themselves feel better. I constantly came back to these situations looking for the love and friendship I felt I so deserved. I was a child. Yes, my parents and my brother loved me, but I wanted to know that someone who didn't "have" to have unconditional love for me could love me for who I was/am. As the years went on and I continued to be told I was annoying, stupid, loud, obnoxious, and people just couldn't put a positive image to me, I started to believe it. I WAS loud, obnoxious, annoying, and stupid. So, I did what I knew best... to withdraw. I stopped responding to people trying to get a rise out of me. I stopped having fun when my "friends" around me were and I stopped trying to show people who I was. I didn't know how to connect with people because all I'd been shown by those outside my family was how to be mean and hate myself. I tried finding people to talk to as things got worse, but as soon as I started to get close to someone they would up and leave or find someone else to be friends with. I tried to turn to sports and running to get my mind off of things. That lasted until my eighth grade year when I started "maturing" and running became more of a difficulty than an enjoyment. I sought new ways to fill my need to fit in, but nothing worked. I constantly felt empty and alone. I'd find something that helped for a couple of days, weeks, or months, but then my old reminders of how everyone viewed me constantly came back and I was right back where I was before.
Now yes, I know, all of my friends and those that support me in my walk with Christ constantly say to turn to Christ because He is the only one that can fill that space and make you feel like you're worth something. In all honesty though, I still have no clue how that is possible. I have to be completely honest with this all. I've given my life to Christ, and I've worked on a relationship with him, but I've hit a standstill and even a backslide... I know I shouldn't believe all the words that have been said to me, because my Father says none of that is true, but because of my brain and its need to think constantly, I can't get rid of those words. I want to, so badly. I've made strides and jumps in my own self view, but I still can't imagine someone loving me for who I am; all the craziness, weirdness, stupidness, irrationalness, depressedness, my scarred image of what a relationship should look like and the belief that I'm never supposed to have one of my own, the fact that I don't believe I have enough to offer a man who would ever come into my life and even be the slight bit interested, my ability to tear things I so love apart without even meaning to, to pour all of my hate and anger and resentment of others in my past onto those in my present and ruining the friendships I already have..... I could go on and on. That's the thing though, I COULD, but I know I shouldn't.
I've had a couple of people in my life truly invest in me and desire for the best that I deserve. These people are some of the best friends I have, and we aren't even actually "friendship status." How am I supposed to be friends with someone nearly twice my age? I can't go spend the night at their house, tell them stories of things I'm struggling with at the moment and they can relate because they're in the situation now. I can't call them up and say, "hey! I'm bored, let's hang out and watch a movie or go do something fun!" I mean, yes... I appreciate what they have poured into my life, but it's just not the same as having someone my age that is willing to sit there and uncover every little part of me until they see the weak and broken person I am beneath my rough exterior to hide it all. There are things I have done in life that I haven't told some of my closest friends even (Sorry Daphne and Megan and Mysti, and many others), but I'm too ashamed of them and that I even did such things in my life. I don't know what it's like to have a friend who lives nearby and can go do things with whenever we so please. I grew up going to the farm in the summers, not spending time having fun with friends. I haven't found that college friend that I can tell any and everything regardless of what it is (sorry Daphne and the rest of you girls) or when it is.
But I'm a tough person to get along with.... I place myself (and others) to extremely high standards and I'm usually the one setting myself up for trouble as a result. I know what I have to offer and I know how I think I should be treated by others. But it's just not going to happen. If I expected others to text me first, call me to hang out, share their stories from their day without me having to ask, ask me how I'm doing just because they thought of me one day, call me randomly to cheer me up and make me laugh, wipe tears from my eyes when I can't do anything but sit here in a state of loss for what to do with my life, hold me close when I'm so down that I just can't move, and a long list of things I wish I could experience, I would never in my life find a friend to stay with me and I would never see anyone ever. Now yes, I do wish I could have all of those things in a friend, but I also understand that it's not going to happen most likely.
I still have a hard time letting people be nice to me. I mean honestly? Why is that so hard for me? I know I deserve to be loved and treated well, but I'm so conditioned that it's not going to happen that I push everyone away that wants to do any of those things. My roommate this last school year is such a blessing and sport for putting up with me. I'm pretty sure I put her through Hell and back again before we finally learned how to communicate in a way that was effective. I feel terrible for all of the things I said to her in my times of stress and over-thinking and of desperation to get things solved. But I'm also grateful she was willing to work at the friendship as well to make it a better one than it was initially. Yes, Daphne and I had out tiffs, but I know that she's always going to help me laugh things off when I need it. It's just so difficult to be so far from people when that's all you want to feel better. I don't need to talk, I don't need to do anything... I just want to be in the presence of people.
It's a world of life, love, and other mysteries as the band Point of Grace said many years ago. And it's so true. But it's also a world of confusion, chaos, pain, and annoyances if we let it be. I'm constantly working on forgetting how I've been treated in the past and learning to love myself and believe I deserve to be loved by others not because I deserve to be loved, but because it's ok to be loved. Now, I know I use the word love here a lot, and I don't necessarily mean in an Eros or romantic love as is one form used in the Bible, but I mean in a form of affection (brotherly love) and friendship, Storge and Phileo. Some day I may have the Eros form of love, but right now, I think I need to focus on the friendship and affection. This is tough for me; I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic as I've stated before... but maybe that's why I'm struggling lately. I'm looking for the wrong kind of love. I'm pushing things and it's just making me feel empty when it's not returned in the way I hope for. So between all my confusion that I'm feeling and the trouble that over-thinking has brought with it, I'm doing my best to distract my brain from things that don't need to be worried about.
I DO have friends that love me for who I am (even if they don't show it all the time), I DO have worth to me that might take a little uncovering for someone to see and appreciate, I DO deserve to be loved, it's absolutely ok for others to want to know me and I mean ALL of me even if I'm ashamed of some of it, and I CAN keep a friendship even when I'm not the best friend that I should be. People will come and go that just aren't meant to be in my life. I can't change that. But for those that do stay in my life, I am eternally grateful for the love that is shared and the friendship that is built even when I try to tear it down. I apologize over and over again for the stupid things I have done to my friends, between playing guilt trips when they don't do what I think they should be doing in our friendship to just being a devil's advocate and legitimately TRYING to break up a friendship to see if they'll stay around, leave, or remind me of why we're still friends. I thrive off of words so it's tough to not make others give me complements that I so long for.... So to each of my friends reading this, that know me completely, mostly, and just a little bit; I'm a mess a lot of the times, and I'm doing the best I can most times, but I love you like none other and can never express my thankfulness for you in my life.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Catching Up & So Much More
It's been quite some time since I've posted anything or even updated anyone on anything going on in my life. So tonight I thought I would take a break from homework and everything in general and take some time to update everyone of what is taking place lately. To start off: I only have 5 weeks of classes and 1 week of finals remaining until my first year of college is complete. I would say my Freshman year, but I can't actually say I'm a freshman if we look at credits. In fact, I'm not even going to be a sophomore for much longer. I will have reached 54 credit hours by the end of this Spring semester putting me 6 credit hours short of being a junior; as a result of this I will be taking 2 classes this summer to reach 60 credit hours to become junior status. Upon entering my next semester I will be a Junior-Sophomore I suppose you could say, and I will only have 2 more years, or 4 semesters remaining until I graduate from college with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Business Administration and a minor in Accounting. After which I will then decide if I will begin pastry arts classes or something else. (This is TBA at this point in time.)
I'm not sure how many of you I included in my discussion of college and future choices, but as you can tell from above I have chosen to complete my degree at my current college and will not be taking a break from, or dropping out of, college/classes. This can be attributed to LOTS and LOTS of praying, feeling completely lost and confused, much stress, many tired and relatively sleep-less nights, and of course.... many heartfelt conversations with some close friends and family members in my life. I can admit that I have never felt so out of control of my life until this year. Choosing a college seemed stressful because I felt like I was deciding what to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, though, I think I made more of a decision this year after actually reaching college rather than deciding where to go for schooling.
There are so many things that push you to go to college and pull you as well. It's what society tells us is best, everyone else has done it so we should, we want to experience the outside world, and so many other things that are circumstantial or fairly universal. We make a decision because we are told to... often times we don't fully think through our choice until we're finally in the moment. There has been so much testing of my faith this year and I will admit that I have failed multiple times, as well as triumphed multiple times. I have wanted to leave, get away, stay, and run away..... The biggest test I have had though, is seeing what I do when I am faced with hardship, feeling like I have no friends, being cut down by those I though I could trust, and being just plain broken by the world around me.
At one point I had officially given up trying to be happy where I am and was going to ride the rest of the semester out one day at a time however I could and I was never going to come back. After a trip to my brother's I began to understand a little bit more about how I had been living my life. The worship service that weekend had a sermon that talked about living in exile/ feeling as though you are living in exile. God tells us to make the best out of living in exile, not merely exist. We are to do what we can with what we have and joyfully serve Him! We shouldn't sit around a mope simply because God has assured us we will get out of exile. NO!!! As a matter of fact, we are to do the exact opposite. We are to live EVERY day for our Lord. We are not to say, "oh, I'll start living for Christ when I'm out of this terrible place or situation." What good does that do? We may feel like we don't belong, but it doesn't mean we still can't be used in outstanding ways!
I oh so appreciate the love I have received in the last few months as I have struggled through being ok with where I am at for this time in my life. The prayers have been oh so helpful and I couldn't have made it to this point without any of the support and love I have received. So I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart and pray for your walk with Christ as you have for mine; I can never fully express my gratitude.
Many blessings and prayers to you all my brothers and sisters in Christ!
I'm not sure how many of you I included in my discussion of college and future choices, but as you can tell from above I have chosen to complete my degree at my current college and will not be taking a break from, or dropping out of, college/classes. This can be attributed to LOTS and LOTS of praying, feeling completely lost and confused, much stress, many tired and relatively sleep-less nights, and of course.... many heartfelt conversations with some close friends and family members in my life. I can admit that I have never felt so out of control of my life until this year. Choosing a college seemed stressful because I felt like I was deciding what to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, though, I think I made more of a decision this year after actually reaching college rather than deciding where to go for schooling.
There are so many things that push you to go to college and pull you as well. It's what society tells us is best, everyone else has done it so we should, we want to experience the outside world, and so many other things that are circumstantial or fairly universal. We make a decision because we are told to... often times we don't fully think through our choice until we're finally in the moment. There has been so much testing of my faith this year and I will admit that I have failed multiple times, as well as triumphed multiple times. I have wanted to leave, get away, stay, and run away..... The biggest test I have had though, is seeing what I do when I am faced with hardship, feeling like I have no friends, being cut down by those I though I could trust, and being just plain broken by the world around me.At one point I had officially given up trying to be happy where I am and was going to ride the rest of the semester out one day at a time however I could and I was never going to come back. After a trip to my brother's I began to understand a little bit more about how I had been living my life. The worship service that weekend had a sermon that talked about living in exile/ feeling as though you are living in exile. God tells us to make the best out of living in exile, not merely exist. We are to do what we can with what we have and joyfully serve Him! We shouldn't sit around a mope simply because God has assured us we will get out of exile. NO!!! As a matter of fact, we are to do the exact opposite. We are to live EVERY day for our Lord. We are not to say, "oh, I'll start living for Christ when I'm out of this terrible place or situation." What good does that do? We may feel like we don't belong, but it doesn't mean we still can't be used in outstanding ways!
I oh so appreciate the love I have received in the last few months as I have struggled through being ok with where I am at for this time in my life. The prayers have been oh so helpful and I couldn't have made it to this point without any of the support and love I have received. So I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart and pray for your walk with Christ as you have for mine; I can never fully express my gratitude.
Many blessings and prayers to you all my brothers and sisters in Christ!
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