Letting Go and Letting God......

I'm not really one to get "homesick" persay... I mean, yeah.. I miss my bed, a real shower, having somewhere to go when I'm tired of homework, and someone to talk to when I'm feeling a little down.

Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a bit homesick today... Then again I've been inside studying and reviewing for two quizzes and an exam that I'll have tomorrow. I miss having a distinct line between me time (home) and school time (homework and people). It just doesn't exist here. College puts everything in the same place. I'm tired of my room, I feel like I'm captive to everything around me including myself, and I just don't like it.

Don't get me wrong, college is ok and I'm here for the education, but I miss having space away from the same ole same ole every second of my life. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to be getting out of this place a year earlier than planned. Because honestly, I don't think I would be able to last four years. This isn't my environment whatsoever. I'm not a person who wants to be "free" from the "constraints" of my parents. I became a home body in high school and I don't really feel like that needs to change. While my brother quickly became a people person once he left home and fit right in with the group of people around there, I feel completely trapped.

I guess part of this could be due to the fact that I made a quick trip home this weekend... and boy was it short to say the least.... When I got back all I had to look forward to was homework and cussing.

The only thing I want to do right now is cry. And you know what? I don't see anything wrong with that. I have had a long day, and I have definitely had a recurring theme coming to me everywhere I turn. And that theme is: Let go and let God.

I don't really have much more to say tonight seeing as I am mentally worn out and I feel like things are becoming a difficulty more than anything to me right now so I think I'm just going to leave this post a rough post. It fits how I'm feeling today. I know after my quizzes and exam I'll probably feel tons better, but right now all I can do is "Let go and let God."

Sometimes a "No" Is What You Need

You know, it's odd... I have been putting off writing the post I made last night for the longest time because I just KNEW I would post it and then I would feel stupid posting it because things would change right after I posted it. Well... here I am, day after the post, weeks after continuing to pray, and hours after I went to sleep with high hopes for today, and what can I say other than this: I am humbled once again.

We so often pray and wait for an answer from God and assume that answer will always be "yes, as you wish my son/daughter. I will do exactly as you want and everything will go according to you." When in reality, sometimes that "unanswered" prayer is actually quite answered. Think about it this way: If you are a parent you know this all too well and know what I'm talking about, so bear with me... Anyway, when a child asks you for an extra sweet, extra tv time, or just extra anything in general that wouldn't necessarily benefit them at that time, you ARE going to say "no." Not because you don't love them or because you want to see them sad. On the contrary in fact! You want nothing but the best for them in the long run! In the same way parents discipline children out of love for them, God does the same to us. Sometimes the answer is yes, and other times the answer is no.

Now, you're probably wondering how this even fits into my last post and being humbled. Well, I must say, that not finding a church to attend that fits your needs wipes you out and it makes you feel like all you're getting is a constant no. Well, this week I really hit a point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I cried and let my mother see me cry as I voiced my concern about being in a place I didn't feel I could grow my faith and relationship with Christ. I RARELY talk with my mom about things like this, but I really felt it was necessary, and I am oh so glad I did. I am humbled in the fact that God opened my eyes to how stubborn I am about sharing my relationship with Christ with my oen family and He still loves me. Really. I kept praying and praying that I would find a church to attend and a place that felt at home for me to grow. And I found it. I am so glad I found it. My doubts haven't completely disappeared yet, but they ARE slowly diminishing.

So to close this short post I have for today, I want to leave you with a small quote that presents a LARGE thought. Today's sermon was based on The Sermon on the Mound, and even more specifically, The Narrow Gate in Matthew 7:13-14. The pastor did an eloquent job in presenting this subject and I feel more people should have heard the message he presented today. In one portion of the sermon he mentioned how becoming tolerant is far too common these days of Christians and we are being marginalized because we aren't "accepting" others the way they want to be accepted.

--So let me leave you with this quote and few other notes from the Sermon--

"You don't see a liberal Christian becoming more conservative, you see a conservative Christian becoming more broad" because we aren't willing to accept the truth stated in the Word of God-- We want to believe the narrow gate is wider than it actually is.  Pastor David Hintz *Flint Hills Christian Church*

Keep Praying, and Accept His Answer.
Much love.

Hold On & Hang Tight

If I told you I loved college so far, it would be a lie. Then again, if I told you I hated college it would also be a lie. To be completely honest I'm a little at a loss for my clear feelings on this subject right now. It has it's ups such as meeting new people and experiencing new things, and then it has its downs of the cussing, lack of family feel, and I have yet to find a church and support group in which I feel secure and comfortable in. I haven't exactly been here every weekend to try out a new church each time, but so far the two that I have been to just haven't fit the bill of what I am looking for in a church/spiritual environment. This may be in part that I feel the atmosphere is almost fake or commercialized because the church is trying so hard to be "inviting" to new college students. In all honesty it just feels fake to me. I have been attending "Christian Challenge" with some members of my floor and will be starting a Freshman Bible Study on Monday nights starting this week. I will admit that I feel blessed to have several girls on my floor who desire to keep their church going and relationship with Christ going and it's nice to have someone I can have a good discussion with. On the other hand though, I just don't feel they are in a place in which I would feel comfortable to have a heart-to-heart with. Granted, it is only the 4th week of being here, but I miss my close friends like crazy, and I desire a mentor to look up to that can be a role model and a mentor for me.

If I told you I chose college based on where I felt I would have the best opportunity to grow that would be a lie. I chose where I thought I would feel most comfortable and the most "safe." I went for the small campus size and the "welcoming" feel. Now that I'm here however.. I slightly regret the decision I made. I mean, yeah, I did come to college to complete a degree and get an education, but I'm more concerned about my relationship with Christ and my ability to grow while I'm here. I just don't feel that possibility right now. Yes, I know I can still grow in Christ no matter where I am, but I feel oh so stunted right now. I feel like I should be in Manhattan with the group of people I know would support me and challenge me to grow and help me get involved. That's not here though.... That's an hour and 10 minutes away from here. That's a chunk of change out of my pocket. That's a whole other story. And I'm not going to go there.

I will continue to search for a church within the boundaries of Emporia until I find one I feel suits my needs to help me nurture my relationship with Christ each Sunday. If that doesn't happen, I'll look in Lamont at a church, and if that doesn't fit my needs, I guess I'll be taking a trip to Manhattan every weekend to the church I know I could feel comfortable at.

How is it that half of what I want is here in Emporia, but the things I'm positive I need are in Manhattan? I don't know what is planned yet, but I will be "content in whatever the circumstances". As hard as that may feel at the moment I will try my hardest and I will continue to seek God all the while. Who knows... God does crazy things in the blink of an eye.

Here's to hanging tight and never letting go. And if you happen to think about me at any time... I'd appreciate the prayers... I'm worn a little thin on my emotions with missing home and trying to find a church, as well as dealing with the fact that I can't handle cussing \[hurting my ears] and I have to be around it the majority of the time on my floor.

Much love to all who happen to read this.

He's Reaching Out & College Bound

Wow. What can I say? These last few months have flown by... They've been crazy, amazing, horrible, stressful, and enlightening all in such a short amount of time. This last month has been especially trying for me. Between getting back from all my trips, helping on the farm, helping with fair, dealing with personal issues, and helping my mom with her campaigning for County Clerk, I reached an end last night. Not the end where you just feel like cutting everyone up into pieces or clawing someone's eyes out, but an end where you just don't know how to feel other than confused, tired, and all you want to do is get away from people but see your closest friends at the same time in hope that it makes you feel better.

I don't feel I should go into detail about what went on yesterday as it is a personal matter that just doesn't need shared, but I will say this. I have been so shaken up and to the point of crying sooo many times over this month, but last night I couldn't cry. Trust me, I wanted to, but the tears just wouldn't come. So when I went out on a bike ride and found my tires were low, I didn't feel like going back home just yet  to fill the tires, and I had no friend that I could turn to (well in town) for support just to sit with me, or let me air up my tires for that matter. *insert smug smile* In the midst of it all I ended up sitting in the last place on town I could think of that I wouldn't be bothered since none of my friends were either able, or willing, to be with me at the moment. And it might seem like the most random place in the world to some people, but to me it's my home away from home.. The place I can be real with God.. and myself if need be...

I literally walked to the middle of the football field and sat down in the cool grass. Lo and behold, I wasn't alone for long. It's amazing how when you reach out to God for a little comfort how he responds. Even when you think you don't have the desire to see anyone for the rest of the night... Although I didn't exactly want to talk, the two sat there for a little while and we had small talk, they were concerned, but I guarantee they had no clue that I had something bothering me like it was when they made their own way to the middle of the football field at dusk. Anyway, as I sat there I felt embraced, loved, and adored by the God who loves and created me. I was looking around and seeing how small I was in comparison to the field, sky, and world around me. But he still loved me regardless of how I felt at the moment.

To put it simply, He reached me when and where I needed it. He loved me and held me when I felt like I couldn't love myself....



In other news, I hope to be posting some new stories as I head off to college  here shortly. I'll share some things I learn from being a new Christian college student, and I learn how to interact in the world around us on a day to day basis. So stick with me if you so choose and we'll see what God has in store.

Is This the Right Mission for Me?

As many of you may know, I went on several trips this summer. Two of which were mission trips. Now, most people might think all mission trips are the same, but let me tell you this: THEY AREN'T!!! I have now been on three different trips to three different locations and none has been anything like the other. So right about now I'd like to do a little plug about going on a mission trip!

I don't want to sound like everyone else who has gone on a mission trip, but they truly are an amazing experience in your life. It might not seem like it at that moment, but there are amazing things going on... More than you know. Then again, however, you might feel it right at the very moment you set foot onto the ground you will be ministering on. Whether that is ministering with words, works, or both, it doesn't go unnoticed no matter how small you might think it seems.

Now as for the two trips I went on this year, they were very different and I got two very different lessons from both of them. The first trip was a more evangelical based mission trip where we went out and taught about God's word and loved on people as we went while the other was very work based... but I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll tell you about that later on! When it comes to preparing however, I highly encourage the group to get together and get to know one another and train in how to share the word of God and learn more about what you will be doing, praying over each other and the trip, and growing closer as a team so you can further the Kingdom even more. It might seem like a hassle, but we had 6 months of training before out trip... No, not every day, more like every other Sunday, but it is genuinely worth it in the long run!! And as for the money component of any Christ based purpose, if it's a problem... it's not a problem, God will provide if you are to go on the trip. Trust me, I've seen amazing things happen in that situation.

So, now that I've kind of introduced you to my mission trip experience I am going to dive a little deeper into both of them by letting you read my thank you letter to my "support-letter" providers. I was so blessed this year to receive the monetary support needed to attend both of my trips by writing a letter and praying that God would provide. So here you go, and enjoy! :)

Sorry it has taken me so long to get this thank you letter out! Between all three of my trips and getting back home and helping on the farm I have been super busy and am just getting around to having a little free time to think and get things organized. So, I thought I would take the time to share a little about each of my mission trips with you.

            I would first like to say thank you for the support you gave me to go on these trips, between the monetary support and the prayers from everyone every single ounce of prayer and money was essential for me to go on my two mission trips.  These trips were great for my spiritual growth and learning… trust me, three trips in a matter of a little over three weeks takes a toll on your patience and emotions!

            I must say, however, I enjoyed both mission trips nonetheless. After getting home from my senior trip I was not only physically drained from little sleep, but also emotionally drained from all the happenings of drama that will always occur with a class our size. However, I happily unpacked, washed and repacked my clothes in hopes of a WONDERFUL mission trip to Kansas City, and it was wonderful to say the least. We had the opportunity to go door to door and invite members of the community to an event called Community United where we had several bands, singers, pastors, and speakers in the local park just up the street from Hope Community Church, the church we were helping this year. They also had a face painting booth, a prayer booth, and free food for all. This event was amazing; we saw many miracles, as small as someone’s arthritic thumb being relieved of pain and as large as a man’s wife who was going to die within three weeks being prayed over and now the doctors say she will live, and many lives were given to Christ. The following day, Sunday, we helped Hope Community Church by giving the sermon and leading worship for their service. We also raised enough money along the way to bless them with a large donation to their church and Pastor Manny and his wife Shannon for a weekend to recharge. Our group was also able to clear a large “fellowship hall” that was filled wall to wall with items of all sorts the following day. Our youth pastor Cody Tupps made a comment at the beginning that he didn’t think we would have enough time to clean everything up, let alone get it organized and usable! Nonetheless, we were able to declutter, clean, and organize everything by about 3 o’clock that day! The room now has three teaching areas which they planned to use for the VBS they would have the week after we were there, an area for the youth to relax and get together, and an area with a kitchen prep type area with a fridge, freezer, and space to prepare things if need be. On our final day of work we went to an organization by the name of reStart where families can go when in need of transitional housing; some stay for two weeks while others stay for two years, depending on their amount of need determined by the application process. Here my group was able to clean a one room apartment from a previous family that would soon be used for another. After completing this, we went and spent some time at the park across from reStart playing with kids, talking with families, and just showing people the love of God! It was amazing to see our group grow together and work for the same purpose this whole week in Kansas City, and I must say, our night rallies where we got together and worshipped God were AMAZING!

            Now, seeing as I have only gone on mission trips with my youth pastor’s groups for the entirety of my first two mission trips ever, I had no clue what to expect on this next trip. Not only did I not know what to expect, but I was spiritually and emotionally drained.  There was no training, no group coming together, and no real connection of the group I guess you could say. However, our trip to Jacksonville was still a great way to serve God’s people as well. Because I am used to Cody’s type of trip, I was expecting more of an evangelical trip, but this trip was basically service projects the whole way through.  Our first day was definitely the most labor intensive; we worked with Habitat for Humanity Beaches JAX where we helped put the finishing touches on a house. Here we laid 4,000 square feet of sod, and they weren’t fresh squares of sod or rolls of sod either, they were dead, heavy, rained on pieces of sod!! Wow, they were a workout times about ten! J But as with most Western Kansas mindsets, we wanted to get as much work done as we possibly could, and I’m pretty sure we did. After completing this job around four in the afternoon we then went to The Salvation Army to serve a meal to the homeless. This would have to be my favorite part of the whole trip because although it might be a slight scare or danger to some people, I was able to humble myself from my place in life and show compassion to those around me and I loved every second of it. I was even told thank you by a gentleman because he said I was such a blessing to the Kingdom, and that made my heart melt! It’s so nice to know I can touch someone by simply handing them a plate of food or sharing a smile and saying you’re welcome. Now, the next day we were all certainly tired and sore, but we kept on pushing as we went back to The Salvation Army and sorted and bagged food for their food bank. We were able to package enough sacks of food to help the volunteers and workers to have enough bags for about two or three weeks! After eating another wonderful meal provided by The Salvation Army we headed over to Second Harvest which is another food bank type organization. Here we sacked bags of food for families that were USDA bags, several cleaned up many pallets of spilled milk, organized shelves, and sorted through 4,000 pounds of cans that would be able to feed 3,800 people. Later that evening and Thursday evening we also went to an apartment complex for refugees from places such as Nepal, Mexico, Bhutan, and Honduras where we held a “VBS” where we played games, acted out Bible stories, sang songs and lead actions, and had a snack with the kids. This was a great experience for many of the group to see different ethnic groups and interact and love the kids as well! Thursday morning was a little less physical on us as we went to Habitat’s ReStore where we sorted and organized tile, measured and marked window frames, and rolled carpet for them. This store, however, is run completely on donations and offers home essentials at a mere fraction of the cost something might cost normally, and many of the items in the store are still in GREAT shape to be used by whoever needs them.

            So, although I am extremely worn out in the physical, emotional, and spiritual part of things at the moment, it was very much worth it. Three trips with three VERY different focuses taught me very different things, and while my first trip wasn’t a mission trip, it helped me appreciate the family I am in, how I was raised, and the God who loves me!

            Again, thank you SO much for the support you gave me to endure and enjoy the joys, trials, and adventures of these trips! I have enclosed a DVD that has our Kansas City mission trip highlights on it for you to check out; the music on the DVD varies from the music of Christian rappers Lecrae, Hood Saint, and Rep One (Hood Saint and Rep One performed at Community United), and also the music for Megan Isaacson from Denver who joined us on our trip to be our worship leader (you’ll see her and two of our team members perform on stage in the video). Hope you enjoy it, and thank you again!

So there you have it.. it's not exactly short, but if I were to wrap this all up in a few words it would be these: Don't let fear or lack of experience take you away from a trip with God... Take a leap of faith and further His Kingdom :)

Build It Up! Don't Break It Down!

I know not many people ever even see my posts, and that's ok. (I do wish I had the guts to be willing to let more people read it though...) And I often wonder why I even bother posting a new post every so often. To be honest, I guess it just helps me keep track of some of the things going on in my life and where God has brought me. So if you happen to be reading this blog, I thank you for at least glancing at my posts even if you don't read the whole thing. I know I can be long winded when it comes to writing so I apologize in advance! :)

Today and in the recent weeks I have been brutally reminded of where I should be in my relationship with God and how off track I keep getting. I love living in a small community in the fact that I and those around me were raised and instilled with manners and common sense to help us make it in life, and we are very fortunate to have these values! But in recent days as I have been thinking about how quickly I will be leaving this town and moving onto bigger and more amazing things I see how faulted our community is as well. I know each community has it's downfalls and we aren't exempt from them either. I really feel like we have been nit-picking one another on how things should be done and how things are being gone about. In short, we're tearing each other down for the things that we shouldn't be.

If you are to look at each family's morals and standards you are guaranteed to see differences in them no matter what. I don't think that is bad at all because we were each raised in a certain way... obviously. However, I don't feel we should be tearing each other down because of a decision that is going to be slightly out of the norm for what they might believe. We are the church: Christ's bride and his loved people! We are to build one another up and not break them down! In Philippians 4:8 we are told to think of every thing noble, pleasing, and pure to God. It's not based on our standards whatsoever. It is simply based on His standards.

When others say we should be concerned with our own life and not worry about those around us and how they are living their life we aren't helping God's kingdom. God calls us to bear the burdens of one another and to help grow The Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, we ARE to be concerned about our brothers. Not in the fact that we condemn them and go about bickering with one another because we think our belief is better than theirs. If we live according to God no belief is greater than the other because we would always be striving toward God's plans and desires rather than what we BELIEVE.

I guess I have just been greatly awoken to how we should be acting in the situations that are being presented to us. Before we act or speak we should know the whole story behind what happened and the real intentions, not the assumed intentions.

We are called to build up HIS Kingdom... Are you? Go! Build! Follow God!

Losing... But not really.

I love this song, couldn't agree more with these feelings. Check it out my friends! :)