Coming Clean and a Long Journey

This semester has truly been an odd one so far. There have been downs and ups, and ups and downs. Far more than I would like to count. There have been so many odd happenings that I just don't know how to explain, nor do I wish to attempt to even try to at that. The moments have confused, encouraged, discouraged, and even broken me at some point in the short month and a half I have been back. It truly amazes me how so many things can and do change.

To start the semester back I entered with a fairly open mindset and wanting to start with a clean slate. That quickly turned within the first few days because of several emotional struggles I was going through and things that had happened that I just wished I could have avoided all together in the first place. So as time went on I continued to force myself to attend classes and events with very little desire to do so or even attempt to put an effort into anything I was doing because I was so unhappy with the circumstances I was "put in." I continue to struggle with being content where I am at this point in my life, but I know that I am not the one in control of my life; I may be trying to control it, but in reality... I'm just hindering what God has in store for me.

I have been oh so upset with my circumstances and have tried to make things work in any way that I can with as little effort as I can. However, that's not how things work. I wasn't living my life to glorify God; I was living life focused around how to make things "right" for me. I feel strongly that this is to be an extremely trying and growing time in my life, but I am fighting it with every ounce of my being simply because I am unhappy with God. I say this sadly, but I am not content with God right now. I am seeking to repair my relationship and view of Him day to day, but I have put quite a riff between the two of us and haven't been trying very hard to remove said riff.

I will admit that I have been going through the motions in the most trying way possible... Trying to convince myself that I'm trying to seek God in every thing that I do. This isn't true though, I've been seeking worldly acceptance, approval, and ways... I don't want to though; I truly don't.

Today I sit on my bed here in my dorm room contemplating my life and how I have been living... It's not pretty. I've been wallowing in sorrow of missing my best friend, longing for someone to console me (sadly I've been seeking anyone but God), dragging up my past, seeking ungodly ways of life and thoughts, and trying to find where I fit in any of this. And the truth is, I don't fit in any of this. Why, you ask? Well... It's not my place to be. I was to have given these things over to my Father many many times ago. I, however, chose to take them back after he so graciously removed them from my shoulders.

My best friend is hurting and I have no way of consoling her but through prayer, although I am praying for her with all my heart,  I fear my relationship with God is not in a place that I am worthy of the privilege to ask anything from my Father. I have not reconciled my sins and left them at his feet; instead I have taken my sins and continued them, in effect rubbing them in his face.

I've been so concerned about how things are going to go in the future that I've been paying little regard to God, and I have been doing what I want to do. I have blatantly disregarded the one who loves me so much. He loves me so much that I can't even comprehend it. So much so that even when I have spit in His face with my sin He continues to hold me in his right hand and tell me how much I am loved, cherished, and adored. That is so difficult for me to comprehend and accept, but I am so thankful for it at the same time.

I know Satan is doing a work in this world, and he doesn't plan to stop any time soon.... I have allowed him to take a foothold in my life, and I am now working to remove that foothold. It's going to be difficult, and it may take some time, but I'm will to do the work it takes.
For each and every one of you out there reading this post, I hope and pray for you that you may be protected from the snares and traps of the enemy; for he is working hard in our world and this is just the beginning. We need to lean on one another and the everlasting arms of Christ for support and encouragement to make it through these trials. We are not alone in this world by any means.

Still Seeking a Path

Well, things have calmed down a little bit since I last posted... but not entirely. I have to admit, I'm exhausted mentally. It's not that my classes are difficult or over my head; in fact, they should be pretty easy, but I just have so much to comprehend!! My brain is having a difficult time understanding concepts that should be simple. I'm doing my best, but I am constantly trying to find ways to put as little effort into my classes as possible. (and so far I've been doing a decent job... which isn't exactly a good thing...) I hate basically every class I am taking... They are just no fun whatsoever.... sad part of it is that the majority of them pertain to my major, and if I'm going to have more classes like this in the future I'm not looking forward to it one bit. All the people I have talked to continue to say classes get worse/more boring as the years go on, so I am not very encouraged either. I only have 2 yrs left after this summer, but that still sounds absolutely HORRIBLE!

Why did I choose business as a major?! What was I thinking?!
I know what I was thinking: I don't know what to major in... oh, business is universally helpful... I want to start a business later in life... this might be helpful...

Bleh. I have been praying about what path I need to be taking for this next year/semester and where I am to go, and I have yet to come to a conclusion on a decision because my parents and I need to discuss options and such. While spending time with God I have heard a few things. The most prominent of which have been: sticking to my word and commitments, don't let others guilt me into doing something; God is in control and I need to follow his path for my life, not letting circumstances I am in get to me because God knows what he's doing, and lastly... what I think may be good for me isn't necessarily the path I should be taking.

To be honest, I've just become more confused and discouraged in all aspects. I know I shouldn't be, but I just don't know what to do. I'm doing my best to "be content in whatever the circumstances," but I'm struggling!!! I don't feel like I should be here and I don't have any control over that right now.

I continue to ask for prayers as I am working my way through my mental struggles and decisions that I am contemplating. Every ounce of support helps me through a day, it really does.