I'm not really one to get "homesick" persay... I mean, yeah.. I miss my bed, a real shower, having somewhere to go when I'm tired of homework, and someone to talk to when I'm feeling a little down.
Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a bit homesick today... Then again I've been inside studying and reviewing for two quizzes and an exam that I'll have tomorrow. I miss having a distinct line between me time (home) and school time (homework and people). It just doesn't exist here. College puts everything in the same place. I'm tired of my room, I feel like I'm captive to everything around me including myself, and I just don't like it.
Don't get me wrong, college is ok and I'm here for the education, but I miss having space away from the same ole same ole every second of my life. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to be getting out of this place a year earlier than planned. Because honestly, I don't think I would be able to last four years. This isn't my environment whatsoever. I'm not a person who wants to be "free" from the "constraints" of my parents. I became a home body in high school and I don't really feel like that needs to change. While my brother quickly became a people person once he left home and fit right in with the group of people around there, I feel completely trapped.
I guess part of this could be due to the fact that I made a quick trip home this weekend... and boy was it short to say the least.... When I got back all I had to look forward to was homework and cussing.
The only thing I want to do right now is cry. And you know what? I don't see anything wrong with that. I have had a long day, and I have definitely had a recurring theme coming to me everywhere I turn. And that theme is: Let go and let God.
I don't really have much more to say tonight seeing as I am mentally worn out and I feel like things are becoming a difficulty more than anything to me right now so I think I'm just going to leave this post a rough post. It fits how I'm feeling today. I know after my quizzes and exam I'll probably feel tons better, but right now all I can do is "Let go and let God."
Monday, September 17, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Sometimes a "No" Is What You Need
You know, it's odd... I have been putting off writing the post I made last night for the longest time because I just KNEW I would post it and then I would feel stupid posting it because things would change right after I posted it. Well... here I am, day after the post, weeks after continuing to pray, and hours after I went to sleep with high hopes for today, and what can I say other than this: I am humbled once again.
We so often pray and wait for an answer from God and assume that answer will always be "yes, as you wish my son/daughter. I will do exactly as you want and everything will go according to you." When in reality, sometimes that "unanswered" prayer is actually quite answered. Think about it this way: If you are a parent you know this all too well and know what I'm talking about, so bear with me... Anyway, when a child asks you for an extra sweet, extra tv time, or just extra anything in general that wouldn't necessarily benefit them at that time, you ARE going to say "no." Not because you don't love them or because you want to see them sad. On the contrary in fact! You want nothing but the best for them in the long run! In the same way parents discipline children out of love for them, God does the same to us. Sometimes the answer is yes, and other times the answer is no.
Now, you're probably wondering how this even fits into my last post and being humbled. Well, I must say, that not finding a church to attend that fits your needs wipes you out and it makes you feel like all you're getting is a constant no. Well, this week I really hit a point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I cried and let my mother see me cry as I voiced my concern about being in a place I didn't feel I could grow my faith and relationship with Christ. I RARELY talk with my mom about things like this, but I really felt it was necessary, and I am oh so glad I did. I am humbled in the fact that God opened my eyes to how stubborn I am about sharing my relationship with Christ with my oen family and He still loves me. Really. I kept praying and praying that I would find a church to attend and a place that felt at home for me to grow. And I found it. I am so glad I found it. My doubts haven't completely disappeared yet, but they ARE slowly diminishing.
So to close this short post I have for today, I want to leave you with a small quote that presents a LARGE thought. Today's sermon was based on The Sermon on the Mound, and even more specifically, The Narrow Gate in Matthew 7:13-14. The pastor did an eloquent job in presenting this subject and I feel more people should have heard the message he presented today. In one portion of the sermon he mentioned how becoming tolerant is far too common these days of Christians and we are being marginalized because we aren't "accepting" others the way they want to be accepted.
--So let me leave you with this quote and few other notes from the Sermon--
"You don't see a liberal Christian becoming more conservative, you see a conservative Christian becoming more broad" because we aren't willing to accept the truth stated in the Word of God-- We want to believe the narrow gate is wider than it actually is. Pastor David Hintz *Flint Hills Christian Church*
Keep Praying, and Accept His Answer.
Much love.
We so often pray and wait for an answer from God and assume that answer will always be "yes, as you wish my son/daughter. I will do exactly as you want and everything will go according to you." When in reality, sometimes that "unanswered" prayer is actually quite answered. Think about it this way: If you are a parent you know this all too well and know what I'm talking about, so bear with me... Anyway, when a child asks you for an extra sweet, extra tv time, or just extra anything in general that wouldn't necessarily benefit them at that time, you ARE going to say "no." Not because you don't love them or because you want to see them sad. On the contrary in fact! You want nothing but the best for them in the long run! In the same way parents discipline children out of love for them, God does the same to us. Sometimes the answer is yes, and other times the answer is no.
Now, you're probably wondering how this even fits into my last post and being humbled. Well, I must say, that not finding a church to attend that fits your needs wipes you out and it makes you feel like all you're getting is a constant no. Well, this week I really hit a point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I cried and let my mother see me cry as I voiced my concern about being in a place I didn't feel I could grow my faith and relationship with Christ. I RARELY talk with my mom about things like this, but I really felt it was necessary, and I am oh so glad I did. I am humbled in the fact that God opened my eyes to how stubborn I am about sharing my relationship with Christ with my oen family and He still loves me. Really. I kept praying and praying that I would find a church to attend and a place that felt at home for me to grow. And I found it. I am so glad I found it. My doubts haven't completely disappeared yet, but they ARE slowly diminishing.
So to close this short post I have for today, I want to leave you with a small quote that presents a LARGE thought. Today's sermon was based on The Sermon on the Mound, and even more specifically, The Narrow Gate in Matthew 7:13-14. The pastor did an eloquent job in presenting this subject and I feel more people should have heard the message he presented today. In one portion of the sermon he mentioned how becoming tolerant is far too common these days of Christians and we are being marginalized because we aren't "accepting" others the way they want to be accepted.
--So let me leave you with this quote and few other notes from the Sermon--
"You don't see a liberal Christian becoming more conservative, you see a conservative Christian becoming more broad" because we aren't willing to accept the truth stated in the Word of God-- We want to believe the narrow gate is wider than it actually is. Pastor David Hintz *Flint Hills Christian Church*
Keep Praying, and Accept His Answer.
Much love.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Hold On & Hang Tight
If I told you I loved college so far, it would be a lie. Then again, if I told you I hated college it would also be a lie. To be completely honest I'm a little at a loss for my clear feelings on this subject right now. It has it's ups such as meeting new people and experiencing new things, and then it has its downs of the cussing, lack of family feel, and I have yet to find a church and support group in which I feel secure and comfortable in. I haven't exactly been here every weekend to try out a new church each time, but so far the two that I have been to just haven't fit the bill of what I am looking for in a church/spiritual environment. This may be in part that I feel the atmosphere is almost fake or commercialized because the church is trying so hard to be "inviting" to new college students. In all honesty it just feels fake to me. I have been attending "Christian Challenge" with some members of my floor and will be starting a Freshman Bible Study on Monday nights starting this week. I will admit that I feel blessed to have several girls on my floor who desire to keep their church going and relationship with Christ going and it's nice to have someone I can have a good discussion with. On the other hand though, I just don't feel they are in a place in which I would feel comfortable to have a heart-to-heart with. Granted, it is only the 4th week of being here, but I miss my close friends like crazy, and I desire a mentor to look up to that can be a role model and a mentor for me.
If I told you I chose college based on where I felt I would have the best opportunity to grow that would be a lie. I chose where I thought I would feel most comfortable and the most "safe." I went for the small campus size and the "welcoming" feel. Now that I'm here however.. I slightly regret the decision I made. I mean, yeah, I did come to college to complete a degree and get an education, but I'm more concerned about my relationship with Christ and my ability to grow while I'm here. I just don't feel that possibility right now. Yes, I know I can still grow in Christ no matter where I am, but I feel oh so stunted right now. I feel like I should be in Manhattan with the group of people I know would support me and challenge me to grow and help me get involved. That's not here though.... That's an hour and 10 minutes away from here. That's a chunk of change out of my pocket. That's a whole other story. And I'm not going to go there.
I will continue to search for a church within the boundaries of Emporia until I find one I feel suits my needs to help me nurture my relationship with Christ each Sunday. If that doesn't happen, I'll look in Lamont at a church, and if that doesn't fit my needs, I guess I'll be taking a trip to Manhattan every weekend to the church I know I could feel comfortable at.
How is it that half of what I want is here in Emporia, but the things I'm positive I need are in Manhattan? I don't know what is planned yet, but I will be "content in whatever the circumstances". As hard as that may feel at the moment I will try my hardest and I will continue to seek God all the while. Who knows... God does crazy things in the blink of an eye.
Here's to hanging tight and never letting go. And if you happen to think about me at any time... I'd appreciate the prayers... I'm worn a little thin on my emotions with missing home and trying to find a church, as well as dealing with the fact that I can't handle cussing \[hurting my ears] and I have to be around it the majority of the time on my floor.
Much love to all who happen to read this.
If I told you I chose college based on where I felt I would have the best opportunity to grow that would be a lie. I chose where I thought I would feel most comfortable and the most "safe." I went for the small campus size and the "welcoming" feel. Now that I'm here however.. I slightly regret the decision I made. I mean, yeah, I did come to college to complete a degree and get an education, but I'm more concerned about my relationship with Christ and my ability to grow while I'm here. I just don't feel that possibility right now. Yes, I know I can still grow in Christ no matter where I am, but I feel oh so stunted right now. I feel like I should be in Manhattan with the group of people I know would support me and challenge me to grow and help me get involved. That's not here though.... That's an hour and 10 minutes away from here. That's a chunk of change out of my pocket. That's a whole other story. And I'm not going to go there.
I will continue to search for a church within the boundaries of Emporia until I find one I feel suits my needs to help me nurture my relationship with Christ each Sunday. If that doesn't happen, I'll look in Lamont at a church, and if that doesn't fit my needs, I guess I'll be taking a trip to Manhattan every weekend to the church I know I could feel comfortable at.
How is it that half of what I want is here in Emporia, but the things I'm positive I need are in Manhattan? I don't know what is planned yet, but I will be "content in whatever the circumstances". As hard as that may feel at the moment I will try my hardest and I will continue to seek God all the while. Who knows... God does crazy things in the blink of an eye.
Here's to hanging tight and never letting go. And if you happen to think about me at any time... I'd appreciate the prayers... I'm worn a little thin on my emotions with missing home and trying to find a church, as well as dealing with the fact that I can't handle cussing \[hurting my ears] and I have to be around it the majority of the time on my floor.
Much love to all who happen to read this.
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