Over the years I have been truly intrigued by the commentary others offer on my love life.. or lack thereof i suppose. It's not that it's a bad response, or comment, or anything, but it's kind of interesting nonetheless. The most common response I receive is "You've NEVER dated/had a boyfriend?! That's impossible!" And while this isn't really rude in any way if you think about it, it's actually double sided... It's almost like criticism disguised as a compliment. I can see it from several different ways; 1. You are an attractive and nice enough of a girl to have to dated someone by this point in your life, or 2. You should be out dating because it's what everyone does, or 3. You seem like a girl that would have dated several guys in her life. I'm sure most people don't mean it in a negative way or in an offensive way, and if they do I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But this also brings me to my next point.
"Well, it has been your own doing." I am so sick and tired of hearing this. I have been asked out a total of two times in my life in a way that I would actually consider being asked out. The first was a guy I met shortly before I had a wreck and I basically led him as a result of needing someone to talk to and help me cope with my feelings and emotions after my wreck. We lived an hour away from each other and I told him to ask me out because I was frustrated. I was asked out through text and I also "broke up" with him through a text. The kid was way too into me for barely even knowing me, and after a week of "dating" I realized I really didn't like the guy and I was just being selfish. And while he did get very angry at me, he is currently engaged and soon to be married to a girl younger than me and is saying much of what he said to me to her now, so that was a good reason to have ended up saying no. The second guy I turned down happened to be a friend from high school that I kind of figured liked me, but I didn't want to bring it up. Well one day he told me he liked me and would like to have a relationship, but I wasn't at a point in my life to date and I really didn't want to ruin our friendship. He is now happily married, has cut off ties with the outside world basically, and is now expecting his first child. Now yes, I've had many boys interested in me over the years, but it seems like when a guy tells you he is interested in you because you are crazy attractive to him it's just a huge turn-off because it feels like it's for all the wrong reasons.
I don't want to sound conceited with this post, I just want to get things off my chest and to clear my head... it has been so long since I've written and it is much needed. But honestly, I've never considered myself that attractive to the opposite sex. And I've never had to worry about it living in a small town. Now that I have entered college it's become very weird that I've started to see that the opposite sex does find me attractive, but I would rather not know this. It's repulsing to be in the cafeteria, in sweatpants even, and you can see guys looking at your butt. I'm not one to dress provocatively or show off everything I own... trust me, I'm in jeans/shorts and a t-shirt most days, so when I do decide I want to dress in nice clothes it's a battle between wanting to look nice for myself and deciding if it's worth having guys stare at me like I am a piece of meat, even when I'm dressed modestly.
But back to the relationship bit, I may choose to be single in certain ways, but really, I just haven't been asked by a guy who I feel will treat me right. This may leave me single for many years to come... well... so be it. Honestly though, I really do want a relationship with someone. I don't go around to guys saying, "no" just because I want to be single and I want them to know it. Trust me, if I could do the exact opposite I would. I want a relationship with all that I am, but I don't want to come across as desperate, and I don't want to rush into a relationship that isn't going to work or shouldn't happen altogether.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being single for as long as I have been. I just wish people would think about their response before they respond to hearing this about me. "There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, you're probably better off." Has been a comment from a few people in my life that has helped me to stay on the positive end of the original comment. Most days I don't mind not being in a relationship just because it's how I've always lived so I don't really know any different. But as of this Summer and getting back to school I have been having a harder time accepting this fact. I would say this is mainly due to the fact that I am now off campus and in a place of my own. I absolutely love that I feel more relaxed and happy about going to school, but I'm really having a difficult time not being able to see friends like I did last year. I could have probably survived the dorms if I had decided to stick with them this year, but I wouldn't have had roommates that I know either as all the girls got their rooming arrangements decided long ago so I just set my heart on getting off campus.
I spent two weeks by myself here at the house, and on top of that, being secluded to such a small number of people at home has really started to take its toll. The timing of everything is terrible. First coming to college I legitimately could not handle the large amounts of people around me, but by the time the school year was over I was beginning to be more comfortable and enjoy the company of people being around me. However, this happened as I had to head home to work on the farm and do homework and see very few people outside of my family. So, I headed back to school with high hopes and excitement that I would be able to see people again. Unfortunately, I see as many friends now as I did this summer. I could go visit the girls more often, but I already feel like a nuisance coming over all the time. I don't live in the dorm, and I don't want to overstay my welcome. I'm out of the way for them to visit me, so I don't want to push having people come over. But I just want to be around my friends more often. I can't change this. I live where I do and they live where they do. I made the decision and I can't undo it now. So I'm here at the house again trying to stay positive as best I can, but it hasn't been working very well.... I'm hoping things will get better as the year goes on and also as I start my job this week. If anything is a blessing for me being off campus it would have to be me getting a job...
I don't really know how to end this post as it is more of a "I just need to get some things out" post, but I will attempt.... Ah, who am I kidding? I've been at a loss for words lately... So may your day be blessed and your year be great. Lot of love from this girl.
