After going on this last mission trip I have realized how out of touch with myself and God I really have become. I used to be one of the most happy and enthusiastic people around, and now I'm only that way when I feel everything in my life is going "right." Now, I had intentions of where this post was supposed to go, but I'm not so sure that's where it's supposed to go anymore.... So here we go.
I have been through quite a bit my high school career and it has truly worn me out. Now, I can say that it is partially my fault, but then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing. As I read the verses James 1:2-4 for our devotion this mission trip I was suddenly overcome with emotion because I realized how out of proportion I have been looking at my life. I can honestly say I have never felt God rush over me in such a way before. When I look back at my life and see what I've been through it really was, and is, very difficult for me to handle, but others don't always see why I feel I have had a rough time with it. Of course we all have different trials we face in our life times, but that happens for a reason. As one of our leaders on the trip said.... we face different situations so we can relate to people. When we become transparent and share our lives with others they see they aren't the only one going through a situation. When there is common ground, it's easier to pull people to Christ..... So yeah, I've been through some tough times, and I have let though hard times hold me back.I don't want them to hold me back, and I don't want it to hold me back from others, but I am letting it. I would love to say I'm the strong Christian that everyone believes I am, and I really hope I'm on my way there (don't get me wrong), but at this point in my life I'm not. I'm broken, beaten, battered, and scarred; I've said things I shouldn't have, seen things that can never be unseen, broken hearts I can never mend, thought things that can never be unthought, had my heart broken on my own accord, destroyed friendships for no reason at all, and so much more. I have allowed myself to become numb... Not on purpose, but because I didn't know how else to handle things. My heart longs so much to show compassion and love for others, but people make that SO hard for me. I long for friendship and people brush me off as if I've been dust sitting on shelf they just found. My heart knows very little love from those my age, but it sure knows disrespect, hate, and just sheer rudeness. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE having friends even if they are 10 or more years older than me, but that doesn't mean I should be out of my peer group. With such strong convictions that I hold, I know I will always, inevitably, be hated or unwanted by many of my peers, and as hard as this is for me to say, "I'm ok with that."
Now many people probably wonder how I can be ok with people hating me. And I don't mean to sound "churchy" but it's who I am; if I receive the treatment I do simply for following Jesus and loving him then I can live with it. Jesus faced even worse treatment, I shouldn't be complaining. I will however be turning to God more often than I usually do. I mean, He knows what's going on, but I rarely remember to tell Him about it. Yeah, He knows, but I need to remember how frail I am and how powerful He is. He allowed the hardship to come and knows how to control it. So why am I not taking the free ticket for help?.... That's a very good question. And I think I know the answer: PRIDE.
I feel like I have rambled in this post, but to be completely honest..... I think that's ok for once...
