I've been having a hard time lately dealing with not having a date to prom, never having dated a guy, and not having many friends NEAR me that I can truly count on. I know i shouldn't let it bother me... I'm only a teenager and I'll make better friends and its kind of pointless to date in high school anyway, but sometimes it just hurts.
I know I'm called to love people like Jesus and regardless of how they have treated me I am to turn the other cheek and continue to love them. As some people say, kill enemies with kindness. I have a hard time thinking of how much love I truly can give to these people who have never been nice to me unless they are to benefit in some way. I know this is titled learning to love myself, but i want to bring up some other things as well.
These last couple of days have been as my youth pastor would label "my living hell" and truly, it is... I have begun to live in the life that i hate so much. My friends are being mean, I can't be myself without being yelled at, and I just don't feel like I'm even wanted in my school anymore. And sure, there are a couple of people who will talk to me on a regular basis, but how many of them truly know me and would be there if i needed the help? One of my very best friends lives an hour away and i rarely see her. Next year she will go off to college and i will be in the same place i was after one of my other best friends left for college also. I will be even more to myself and no more happy with my life than i am when someone dies. I have tried to be excited for my friend, positive about the way God is moving her forward, and be excited about where my life will go next, but I don't know how much longer I can be strong.
These last 5 or so days have been some of the hardest days I have had since freshman year. I feel like I am losing my friends and I feel like i am just the nuisance in their lives. I know I shouldn't feel this way but it has been so long since I have done anything with anyone that I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be the person Christ has called me to be and be able to spend time with people. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.
I know I have a loving father and brother, but I'm beginning to miss them. I don't know the last time I hugged either of my parents to be truthful. I don't know the last time my dad told me he loved me. I don't know the last time I had a conversation with my brother where I felt like an equal. Yeah, I know i haven't really brought my mom into this, but to be honest, we don't hardly see eye to eye anymore. I know she loves me, and I know she cares about me, but I just can't get myself to want to be closer to her anymore... maybe someday I will, but at this point in my life I just don't think I can.
My dad has always been the person I look up to and the person I get along with most in the family, but how do I talk to my dad when he is never around, and without it seeming weird. I just gave up trying on that one. So maybe I'll talk to my brother, but I don't even know him hardly anymore. Grow up this, you'll be OK that. That's not what I want to hear. I want to just talk, as equals, for a change. Like we used to.
I have tried to be more social and I've tried to be more involved, but people just make me feel like an outcast anymore so I have decided, "Why do I even try?"
I know I'm not a bad person or anything, but sometimes I wonder why I have dealt with some of these things with all the niceness I have tried to convey. I have always considered the word JOY as I learned it a long time ago. Jesus, Others, and then You, the secret for a joyful attitude. As much as I try to do these things, I'm not so joyful anymore. I love helping others, and I love God dearly, but things are falling apart lately. I don't know the last time I didn't get "yelled" at in school anymore. I can't go to school and be a happy person anymore. School is turning into another one of my "living hell"s. And I don't like it.
All these crazy things happening has made me really think lately, but it has also made me hurt a lot too. When was the last time I loved myself for who I truly am, when is the last time i helped someone joyfully or because I wanted to, when was the last time I was truly happy with what I was doing?
And I can't honestly answer any of those questions... simply because I don't know anymore.
How can I love others and expect them to love me back, when I can't even love myself..........
I actually wrote this last year around this time, but I honestly don't know why I didn't post it.
