wanting to cry

I don't want to be one to complain, but i am really missing the old days.... days where i could have fun with my best friend. i think back to those times and i don't know what to do. Times have changed, he has changed, and things have changed. I wish i could not feel distance between the two of us. I wish he knew that i felt horrible for what i have done, what i do, and what i have said. My impulses have led me to do things that i shouldn't do even though i know this i continue to do these things. I feel so bad about what i have done in the past and the bridges that i have so greatly and quickly burned... I have no clue if he feels the cold air between the two of us. I'm pretty sure he kind of sees it but i can't be for certain. I don't know.. i really just want to cry because i don't know where i am in all this, i don't know how to talk to God about it for comfort, i just want to cry for hours on end.. i want things to be back to normal. I want my best friend back and i want things to be like normal; even if he isn't nice to me. I don't care... i want to be a friend that is a genuine friend of his regardless of how he treats me. I want to be able to see him and not feel hostile toward him, i want to have fun and actually enjoy being with one of my friends. I want to cry